"AITA for ruining my mom's marriage?"
My mom blames me for her husband filing for divorce. They got married when I (17f) was 10. He wanted kids but mom couldn't have more so he decided he would be fine being my dad. Only I never saw or accepted him as my dad.
I had a dad and he died. But he was still my dad. Not someone who married my mom when I was 10. We got along okay. It disappointed him whenever I said no to him adopting me or when I used his first name instead of calling him dad.
He called me his daughter and I hated it but never said anything. So he kept calling me his and I'd always correct people calling him my dad. I thought that would tell him nothing was changing on my side.
But a few months ago for school I did a project for art on my parents and I did mom and dad. It wasn't supposed to be seen by anyone else and didn't think it would turn into breakdown but my teacher emailed it to my mom and he saw it too. She was saying how talented I was and she thought mom should encourage my art more.
But seeing that was like the final straw for him. He told mom he couldn't live without being a parent and he thought he could be mine but I had never given him that chance. He said he wasn't going to wait around for me to maybe feel different at 40.
He said being 51 he could still find a woman who'll give him kids of his own and he left mom and filed for divorce. When he was going he told me he hoped I'd regret rejecting him some day because I had no idea how good I could've had it.
Ever since then, my mom has blamed me. She told me I needed to make it up to him so he wouldn't go through with the divorce but I told her I wasn't lying to get him back.
She said he's been around almost as long as dad was in my life and he would've been around to see me get married and give my future kids a grandpa and now there's nobody.
She asked me who I'd call my father figure now. I told her I never called him my father figure and it was always my grandpas who got the title. Mom said the fact I'd fight her after ruining her marriage showed how little I care about her. I told her I love her and it's why I tried to get along with him.
I told her it's not like I wanted someone else when dad died but I knew she did so I accepted him into the household but I would never let someone be my dad so they'd be her husband. She claimed I was making excuses and should feel more shame for ruining such a good thing. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
If the success of their marriage relied on the feelings of a 3rd person, especially a child, it was never going to last. That is not a solid foundation. You did not ruin their marriage. They did. Stepdad wanted children and your mother couldn’t give him children. They married anyway, despite this fundamental incompatibility. They have now finally recognized the incompatibility.
It has nothing to do with you, you are just easier to blame. If they didn’t blame you, they would need to accept that they never should have married and it is hard to admit that. I am sorry they are putting you in this position but it is not your fault. NTA.
Exactly, I think your stepdad was trying to have you fill the void of being childless after he realized your mother couldn't give him his own child. Being a father to someone may not be dependent on blood, but it is a bond made on trust and security.
Given your description, it seems like Stepdad tried to push his way into becoming a father figure without truly understanding what makes someone deserving of that title. He shouldn't have pushed himself onto you and ironically, him insisting on being your dad without considering your feelings probably did more to drive you in the other direction.
NTA. I think your mom is TA here. She should have respected your boundaries when she got married and made it clear to him from the start that he would never be your dad.
I also think your stepdad was TA for trying to step into that role just because he couldn’t have his own kids. It really sounds like he wanted you to fill that void, not because he genuinely wanted to be your dad. And the art teacher… not ok… at least ask first.
SoySothing (OP)
I wish she'd asked too! I never wanted mom to be mad at me or hate me for how I felt. I didn't hide it but I still tried to be respectful by not correcting him and stuff. She still hates me now because he's gone.
Your stepdad's need to be a father and your mum's inability to give him a child was always a ticking time bomb. Something they both deliberately avoided acknowledging. Even if you had accepted him as your dad, sometimes down the years he would've wanted a genetic descendant to give him grandchildren when he was old.
For your mum you are an easy target to blame for her and his failure to deal with this fundamental flaw in their relationship, because you were the focus of his dissatisfaction. But he and she were dissatisfied with their relationship for other reasons as well.
In short he got the seven year itch so left her to find someone else. Who maybe able to give him a child. But he left her for other reasons as well. Your NTA but your mum and stepdad are T A.
NTA it honestly sounds like your mom dodged a bullet, but I am sorry she doesn’t see it that way.
SoySothing (OP)
I don't think she'll ever feel that way. She loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.