I (26 F) am married to my DH (26 M) and have an older sister (27 F) who I’ll call K. For some background: K was the golden child but my parents rapidly changed their tune when she failed uni and started a party lifestyle for a bit (no longer the case).
Suddenly I was the favorite because I finished school and had a moderately successful life. I think it’s BS that my parents have/had favorites, and I largely keep my distance, but it’s something that has troubled K a LOT.
So! DH and I recently got pregnant (surprise!) and though I keep a healthy distance from my parents, we still talk. Boundaries are really important to have with my them because they will trample over your entire life and privacy. I’m not big on big parties so I decided to just tell my family about the latest news during a monthly family VC last Friday.
I was excited to share the news but I also didn’t beat around the bush. Once everyone had done the preliminary catching up I said DH and I had some news, and then said I was pregnant. My parents, sisters, and grandmother lost it, screaming and laughing and crying in joy. This is the first grandchild/great grandchild/niece or nephew so they understandably had pretty dramatic reactions.
Everyone was excited except for K who stayed completely silent the entire time. Once things calmed down a bit I asked if K was still there and she said yes but she had to go and deal with something. I thought it odd but didn’t give it much further thought.
Later I get a text from K saying that she was going to make a pregnancy announcement then too, but that I had ruined it. I should have asked her specifically before making the announcement because she, as firstborn, should have been the one to have the first grandchild, that my child would get all the attention and love and hers would be second rate.
I sent her a text saying that I had no clue she was pregnant and congratulating her, and that I was sorry she didn’t get to make the announcement when she wanted to. I then, possibly quite stupidly, asked when her due date was. K said “Don’t worry, you’re first.” And has not answered anything since. So, AITA?
Tldr: I didn’t know sister was pregnant and made the first pregnancy announcement. Sister is upset due to complicated family dynamic.
darcie33 said:
NTA. You had no idea she was pregnant. She’s just mad because she’s not the center of attention and that’s her problem-not yours.
RequirementOdd said:
NTA. How could you be you didn't know she was pregnant she didn't know you were pregnant. What's with people making a big deal about having the first kid in the family?
OP responded:
In fairness the Big Deal aspect predates my sister and I. My entire family absolutely spoils the firstborn of every generation, to the point of absurdity.
[deleted] said:
NTA but try to have some compassion for your sister because your parents are the true assholes here. They’ve raised you both in a way that encourages you to compete for their affection and she hasn’t broken free of it the way you have.
She probably thought that announcement would get her back the love they’ve been withholding only to find she was out of luck. Not your fault at all, but I am loathe to get too negative with her because this all comes from your parents shitty approach to parenting.
OP responded:
Exactly this. You said this a lot better than I could have. It’s just difficult since we’re both adults now on “where to draw the line” I suppose you’d say.
Music_withRocks_In said:
NTA. That actually would have been really rude. Can you even imagine "Hey, K, I just wanted to check in and see if you were pregnant and going to announce it on Friday?" Asking people if they are pregnant is rude. It pretty much would have forced you to admit you are pregnant before you wanted to announce it.
You don't announce you are pregnant at someone's wedding or celebration. You don't announce you are pregnant or a gender of the baby in a way that will burn down a forest or cause bodily harm to bystanders. Those are the limits of the rules - you announce it when you want to announce it. If you suspect someone is pregnant you keep your mouth shut and wait for them to tell you. That's how it works.
[deleted] said:
NTA. She could have said right then, "OMG, I am, too!" and everyone could have celebrated together. She let her insecurity ruin it for herself, which is really a shame.
OP responded:
Yeah honestly this would have been the ideal situation. I would have been so excited, and I much rather would go through a pregnancy with a friend/family who can relate than alone.
And Hail-Persephone said:
NTA. K needs to go to therapy.
First things first, I want to thank each and everyone of you who commented and gave their feedback and advice. The outpouring of support was both shocking and overwhelmingly touching. Y’all’s compassion was amazing. Thank you all for taking the time.
Now, on to the update (sorry it took so long, K took a bit to respond to me). So I waited about a day and then sent K a long message essentially saying that I knew she was hurting rn, but that we needed to band together for our kids.
That our parents did wrong by all of us kids and that we needed to stop the cycle then and there, but we could only do that if we work together (corny I know, but it needed saying). I then finished off by asking her to call me when she had time.
Well, she called me after a couple days and the first thing she did was apologize. Some of you guessed that she had built this up in her head as a band-aid for her relationship with the family, and you were right. I know some people think she was lying about being pregnant but she was really crying on the phone and full of remorse.
She said she was furious initially and then she was sad. We used to be really close before my parents started pitting us against each other, and she realized that our kids could grow up that close to one another and not resent each other, and she felt guilty for being so greedy.
She said she was also afraid because she’s not as financially well off as I am, and as a result was/is afraid for her baby’s quality of life and knew that the golden child would want for nothing.
We agreed to take steps to make sure boundaries are enforced and mutual on both our ends, and she agreed to get back into therapy with the potential of a group session in the future.
I’m going to be proactive with my parents in making sure things are fair, and I’m reaching out to a friend of mine who’s youngest no longer needs their baby supplies and see if she’ll be willing to donate them to K (or sell for cheap, you know, that kind of thing).
I’m not holding my breath too much, because actions speak louder than words, but I’m cautiously optimistic for the future.
(Also, apparently she’s 7 weeks along now and I’m 12 weeks, so the kids will be super close together.)