'AITA for ruining a sister trip over a hypothetical?' UPDATED
"AITA for ruining a sister trip over a hypothetical?"
I (30F) have three older sisters: T (41F), S (36F), and R (35F). T is married with two kids and lives out of town. Due to our large age gap, we aren’t very close, and we tend to butt heads the most out of all the sisters.
For years, we've talked about going on a sister trip, but T always has some excuse not to go. Recently, S got married to her long-term boyfriend of ten years, and they’ve decided to start trying for a baby. Before they begin that journey, S wanted to go on a vacation. Her husband is going to Japan with his brother, so she wanted to go on a cruise with her sisters.
When we first started planning, T said she couldn’t go. We went ahead with booking and making arrangements without her. Then, a few weeks later, T changed her mind and decided she wanted to come—but she also wanted to invite her sister-in-law, M (37F?).
We’ve all met M and get along with her well enough. The only issue is that M is a messy drinker. Despite this concern, we all agreed she could come. However, I told T that since she was the one inviting M, she would be responsible for her if she over did it.
This is where the issue started. T got upset and said she doesn’t get to go on many vacations because she has a family to take care of. She argued that since we don’t have the same responsibilities as her, she wanted to fully enjoy this trip.
I reminded her that her choices were her own, and she was responsible for them. T then suggested that we should all take turns looking after M so that everyone could enjoy the cruise. I refused, saying that M was her guest, and if she wanted her there, she needed to take care of her. This led to a shouting match, and now T is backing out of the trip entirely.
Now, S is upset with both of us. She says I shouldn’t have made an issue out of something hypothetical—M might not even over do it. S feels like we could have just gone on the cruise and dealt with any situations if and when they came up.
I feel like I might be the A here because my stance caused unnecessary conflict, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair for the rest of us to be responsible for someone we didn’t invite. So, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. She's gotten sloppy in the past and apparently needs a guardian when she does. I don't even understand why TF she wanted to invite M in the first place.
But, if she wants to M to come, she needs to babysit M. Why should the rest of you babysit HER SIL?? If she wants to enjoy a rare trip, don't suggest bringing sloppy drunks that need to be babysat. NTA.
Especially since it doesn't sound like she claimed M wouldn't drink much or need to be looked after. Of course she will, she's on holiday, why wouldn't she? It doesn't sound like there would be an issue if M just didn't drink.
NTA. You didn’t make an “issue” out of something hypothetical because, based on T's reaction, she was clearly aware of the risks of having M over and that the consequences would fall on you.
She is her guest, that has no direct family connection to you, and yet T still acts entitled. It’s her problem, not something you and your your sisters should have to deal with if it comes up.
NTA. The way T responded tells you everything you needed to know. In her gut, she knows that M will probably get drunk and require a lot of care. And T isn't willing to take responsibility for that. She thinks that she can dump it on you and R. T's selfish and defensive response makes her TA.
NTA. Explain to me, as if I were five years old, why T cannot go on an all-sisters trip without M coming along. Given M's history, it's only fair that whoever invited her to come along take care of her. Also, I think that, in light of T's reaction, this was more than just a hypothetical.
NTA, it seems like even she is admitting that M will probably get messy based on her response. She had just assumed that yall would take care of M. she needs to be responsible for whoever she invites.
Been here and there, seen a few things, met a few people, but don't know everything. Life is a journey, not a race. Looking for the good in people and trying not to trip over the bad stuff.
NTA. Since T is the one who wants M along on this trip, she should be the one who ends up "taking care of her" if M gets messy. The fact that she does this often enough for it to be a known issue that has to be planned for, makes it likely that it will happen at least once or twice during the trip.
Been on a trip like this with someone like M. Next trip we did not invite her, my other friend was p-d off when we didn’t invite. We told her fine but she’s your responsibility. She didn’t like it but hey in the end she didn’t invite her. When asked why she said she could not be the only babysitter because of how hard she was to handle. Had a great time, didn’t miss her at all.
Later OP came back with this update:
I wanted to provide more context because I left out an important detail, though I still don’t think it changes the core issue.
We actually have one more person joining our trip—K (41F), who is T’s best friend from high school. We’ve known K for over 25 years, and she has always treated us like little sisters. When planning the trip, we originally booked two cabins for two people each.
With T and K deciding to join, we adjusted to make it work, agreeing to split into two cabins of three by adding a cot to each room. The arrangement was: T, K, and M in one cabin, and R, S, and I in the other.
Now, a little more background on why I reacted the way I did. A few years ago, R, our mom, and I joined T and her family on a Disneyland trip. We covered our own expenses—tickets, hotel, and transportation. We simply spent time together at the park. The problem was that T kept trying to pawn off her 9-year-old daughter on us so she and her husband could go on big rides together.
We refused because we had paid for our own tickets and didn’t want to spend the day babysitting. When that didn’t work, she tried to get our mom to watch her daughter. We shut that down too, since we had paid for our mom’s ticket, and she was excited to experience Disneyland for the first time.
So, having dealt with this before, R and I already knew what to expect from T. That’s why R fully agreed with me when I told T that if M joined, she was responsible for her.
Some background on T: She has a traditional marriage where her husband works while she is a SAHM. Her husband is a nurse with a 4-day-on, 4-day-off schedule. They live about five hours away, close to his side of the family. To be honest, we don’t like T’s husband, and he doesn’t like us, but we’re civil for the sake of T and the kids.
R, S, K, and I have speculated before that T avoids going on trips with us because her husband doesn’t trust us alone with her. We suspect he fears we’ll try to convince her to leave him or something—who knows?
That’s why R and I think the only reason T was suddenly allowed to go on this cruise was that M would be there as a chaperone of sorts. Of course, we could be wrong, as T and M have become really close over the years.
For the record, we actually like M—she's nice and fun to be around. It’s just that when she drinks, she doesn’t know her limits, and it can become a mess. She doesn’t drink all the time, but when she does, she goes overboard. That’s why I didn’t want to take responsibility for her. So, after laying all this out—AITA?