Teen accused of 'ruining' Mother's Day when stepmother reads letter she wrote as part of family therapy. AITA?
"AITA for ruining my stepmother's Mother's Day because she decided to read a letter I wrote to her as part of family therapy on Mother's Day?"
My dad, my stepmother and I (17F) are in family therapy together. It's been like a year now if not a little longer than that. My dad wanted my siblings (19M and 22F) to join us but they both refused.
So for the last 18 months of me being a minor he's making me do therapy with him and his wife so that they can try to change things between her and me if he can't get us all willing. But I'm not willing. I go because I'm forced to.
My mom OD'd on prescription pain meds when I was 6. She'd had chronic health issues for a while and was in a lot of pain. The assumption is that it was accidental but me and my siblings wonder if she couldn't take it anymore. We'll never know. Our parents were divorced at the time mom died. We actually saw dad one weekend a month only. Dad was already dating his wife.
After mom died it was a rough transition to being with dad. I wasn't used to seeing him often. Only my sister really remembered dad being around more. For the next two years there was just a lot of stuff that happened.
Dad gave us about 6 months to adjust to the changes in our lives before he moved his wife in. They weren't married at that time but they were planning to get married. Once she moved in she didn't even try to hide her looking down on mom.
She didn't like that we had a relationship with mom's family. She acted like mom was some awful person. It sucked. She tried to be super loving to us but me and my siblings wanted her to go away.
The way she talked about mom didn't just make us hesitant to give her a chance but none of us wanted to. The more she tried to take on the role of our new mom, the more we resisted and the more there were issues all around.
The day they got married was a trainwreck from start to finish. My sister went to a friends house without telling anyone and avoided the whole thing. My refused to talk to dad or his wife.
I went around to different family members asking them to bring me somewhere else. I actually made my stepmother cry because I kept saying I didn't want to be there and I didn't want her. My stepmother's mom died the day of the wedding too.
So the wedding was cut short and she was grieving and my dad was mad when he found out where my sister was. Then my brother and sister told her that she knew what losing a mom was like and she'd be even more a monster to crap all over ours. They also threatened to trash talk her mom. But they said they'd give it six months to be fair.
When things had settled after the wedding she went full swing into trying to win our love. She didn't entirely cut out the talking bad about our mom but I think she tried? I don't see that being enough to make her a good stepparent but I think she did try hoping it would win us around.
When my sister graduated she made a big deal out of excluding dad's wife from her graduation. It was all online so she couldn't stop her watching from dad's phone. But they had a page where the graduates names were with their family members mentioned and she didn't put her on it.
And they had a page of graduate thank you's posted unofficially and she didn't thank her. Now she won't talk to her. She lives out of state and she blocked our stepmother's number and hangs up if our stepmother calls on dad's phone.
My brother didn't let dad come to his graduation because he was worried dad would give his ticket to our stepmother. He got a ticket for me and our older sister and our three living grandparents. And he didn't mention our stepmother in any of the stuff either.
It was after my brother graduated that my dad started talking about therapy but it took months and months for us to start. I think some of it was waiting lists and the other part was my dad trying to talk my siblings into joining.
We've spent months of this therapy talking about how my dad and his wife want us to be a closer family. How they want me (and my siblings) to appreciate her and to show her some love and appreciation.
The therapist has asked questions about what we all want, what we feel, has given homework on things to think about. She's done solo stuff with each of us. But something she noticed is how they ignore or don't really take into account the stuff I say.
So she suggested I write my stepmother a letter telling her how I feel about her, our relationship, what I want and don't want and stuff like that. I wrote it two weeks ago. Gave it to her last week and she read it through. Said it was fine. Then she gave it to my stepmother at a group session and asked her to read it in the next two weeks.
That was last Tuesday and she waited until yesterday to read it. First thing Mother's Day morning she read the letter and she was upset and angry and it made my dad angry and I was accused of ruining her Mother's Day and doing it out of spite and treating her like garbage and crapping all over her.
In the letter I told her I didn't love her and did not want to fix the relationship between us. I called her on the way she talks about mom, the way she attempted to come between us and mom's family, the way she constantly brought up in therapy the fact that my mom OD'd to say she didn't care about me and my siblings and that even if she did.
She thought my mom was less of a mom than she was because she's been active in our lives longer than mom was. I said there was nothing she could do to make me change my mind. And I mentioned that I never wanted to be in therapy with her and dad in the first place and I simply had no choice.
It upset her and yesterday I had the two of them on me. I was so glad when it was time for me to go to work. Dad left for work an hour ago and he woke me up to tell me I better fix things by the end of today or there'd be consequences. So now I'm awake and I decided to post this to find out from people who don't know us if I'm TA.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Can't force relationships on children, even with therapy.
Exactly this. Therapy only works when all parties are willing participants, and you can't force a bond that was never there especially when there's been a long history of disrespect toward the bio mom.
The stepmother chose to read an emotionally heavy letter on Mother’s Day of all days. That was her decision, not the OP’s sabotage. Actions have consequences, and the parents don’t get to play victim when they ignored her boundaries for years.
Dad's wife (feels like a better thing to call her than a stepmother) completely did this to herself. She knows they're in therapy because the relationship isn't good, so why would she expect anything different from OP's letter? I hope OP goes to her maternal family/siblings and tells them about her dad's threats.
She needed to learn how to manage her insecurities from the beginning. By pushing them on to the dead mom and the kids' relationship with her, she poisoned any chance of having a good relationship. I'm sure she'll still cry and make herself the victim when OP also goes NC/LC at 18 to get away from her.
Nta. But if i were you I'd muted the dad and go on with the day as if nothing happened. Don't even acknowledge the wife or the dad. Petty yes. There's nothing you can do until you're legally able to leave. Also, there's nothing your dad can do to you. All he can do is bark around. Thats all. Muted him then you're good.
CandidAstronaut106 (OP)
He can take my phone, laptop and stuff like that away from me. He can stop me from seeing my friends. So he can do some stuff.