'AITA for sabotaging my husband’s tournament after he refused to help with our newborn?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for sabotaging my husband’s tournament after he refused to help with our newborn?"
Puzzled-Two6615
My husband, Jake (30M), and I (27F) recently welcomed our first baby, Emma, who is now three months old. As most new parents know, it's been a challenging time, filled with sleepless nights and endless diaper changes. I’m on maternity leave, so I’m home with Emma all day, but I still need help from Jake, especially during the night.
Jake works from home and is a huge gamer. He spends most of his free time playing online games with his friends. I’ve tried to be understanding and give him his space, but it’s been hard when he refuses to help with Emma at night. I’ve asked him multiple times to take turns getting up with her, but he always says he’s too tired or that he has an important game.
Breastfeeding has been particularly difficult. Emma often struggles to latch properly, leading to painful and sometimes cracked nipples. I’ve had mastitis twice already, which leaves me feeling feverish and in intense pain.
Despite seeing me in pain, Jake just laughs it off, finding it amusing. He never offers to help during these moments, even though I’m visibly struggling and desperate for support.
One night, after I’d been up with Emma for the third time and Jake was still glued to his computer, I’d had enough. I went into his office and asked him to take over so I could get some sleep.
He waved me off, saying he was in the middle of a game and that I should just handle it. He added, "You're on maternity leave and free all day while I have to work, so I need time to relax. You're just sitting around doing nothing all day anyway."
I was exhausted and on the verge of tears. I needed his help, but he was completely dismissive. In a moment of frustration and desperation, I walked over to the router and turned off the Wi-Fi.
That's when Jake completely lost it. He stormed out of his office, screaming at me. Apparently, he and his friends were in some sort of online tournament, and they were about to win when I unplugged the Wi-Fi. He called me selfish, irresponsible, and accused me of sabotaging his one form of relaxation.
He went on to say that I had no right to interfere with his "me time" and that I should have just waited until he was done. I calmly explained that I needed his help and that our baby was more important than his game.
He refused to listen and continued to berate me, adding that I haven't even been having sex with him and that we've only had intimacy four times since Emma was born. He accused me of wanting to take everything away from him while doing nothing all day and sitting at home.
Jake never helps during the day either, even after he finishes work at 5 PM. I don’t expect him to help during work hours, but once he’s off, he should be stepping up as a parent. Instead, he goes straight to his games, leaving me to handle everything alone.
Since then, he’s been sulking around the house, barely speaking to me. To make matters worse, his friends have been sending me nasty messages, calling me a "crazy wife" and saying I’m unreasonable. One of them even suggested that Jake should leave me because I'm "too demanding."
I feel like I’m losing my mind here, just trying to get a bit of support. I’m exhausted, and all I wanted was for Jake to step up and be a parent too. Instead, I’m being painted as the villain for wanting help with our newborn. AITA?
Edit 1: For those saying why I married him and didn't I know this before, Jake was completely different before Emma was born. He was supportive and understanding. This behavior is new and shocking to me.
Edit 2: To all those calling me the asshole, I am sorry. Your words cut deep, and I feel more hurt than I can express. I didn't turn off the Wi-Fi out of spite or because I couldn't handle my responsibilities; it was a desperate act after feeling completely unsupported and alone.
I feel like I'm drowning in guilt and sadness. This time with Emma has been incredibly challenging. I'm constantly exhausted and in pain from breastfeeding. All I do is cry because I feel like such a failure. I just can't anymore.
Jake works hard, and I appreciate him, but his indifference to my struggles makes me feel so isolated. I spend my days and nights in tears, wondering if I'm failing as a mother and a wife. All I've wanted is for us to share the responsibilities of parenting, especially during those late-night feedings and diaper changes that leave me feeling so drained.
I've been struggling with feelings of sadness and guilt, wondering if I'm failing as a mother and a wife. It's not about controlling his downtime; it's about needing his support during this incredibly tough time. I wish you could understand the depth of loneliness and frustration I've been feeling.
Your words about me being selfish and immature hit hard because I've been questioning myself constantly. I never wanted to play the victim or make Jake out to be the bad guy. All I wanted was for us to work together as a team, like we promised each other when we decided to start a family.
I'm sorry if my actions hurt anyone, including Jake and his friends. I was overwhelmed and at my breaking point. I'm trapped in a cycle of guilt, feeling like everything is my fault. I never wanted to hurt anyone; I just don't know how to cope anymore. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just trying to survive.
Edit 3: A lot of people are saying I am making breastfeeding a huge deal and millions of moms do it too, but mastitis isn’t just a minor inconvenience — it’s an excruciating, throbbing pain that feels like shards of glass stabbing into my breasts with every suckle.
Sometimes, the pain is so intense that I cry silently while Emma feeds and I have to bury my face in a pillow to muffle my cries because Jake has made it clear that my suffering is a nuisance to him.
He says he is either working, gaming, or sleeping, so I should not disturb him. And some people are saying that even if this happens to me then wtf should he do here? Do I expect him to grow a breast and feed Emma?
But no, I am not expecting him to do that, I just want him to support me. He never offers to help during these moments, even though I’m in tears and desperately in need of support.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
z-eldapin
Saturday morning, put some bottles in the fridge. Put the baby on jakes chest, and walk out the door. come back 8 hours later and ask him how 'sitting around on his rear all day was'. Forewarn the MIL that this is happening so she doesn't come and rescue him.
chixnwafflez
Yup. My friend did exactly this to her POS ex husband and he was very helpful after that. She left him for other reasons. But he stopped that bs real quick.
reallynah75
"Forewarn the MIL that this is happening so she doesn't come and rescue him."
Unless she's one of those MIL that will run to the rescue just so they can relive their glory days as a mother.
swankypothole
Or just wants to make the DIL look bad.
National_Oil8587
This is impossible to live like this! Why are you with him? Did he even understand that he became a father or was he gaming through the birth of the baby? I'm a mom of a small baby as well, I read through your post and I'm terrified! Please get him to the therapy or to the court. NTA.
Corfiz74
Also, ask him when YOU are getting some "me-time"...
"UPDATE- AITA for Sabotaging my Husband’s Tournament after he refused to help with our newborn?"
Puzzled-Two6615
First, I want to say that I initially posted just to find out if I was wrong for sabotaging my husband’s tournament. I ended up sharing a lot of context, and I never expected to receive such an outpouring of advice on other issues. But oh my God, your responses have been the best thing that’s happened to me lately. Your words have had a profound impact on me.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much to all the mamas, dads, and everyone who offered their wonderful advice and educated me on postpartum depression (PPD).
After reading everything, I immediately booked an appointment for the next day, and it turns out I do have PPD. I’ll be starting therapy soon, and my doctor has also suggested joining a support group (I’m still considering it).
I never thought I’d be saying this to random strangers, but I love you all so much. You’ve turned my life around. Thank you so so so much to everyone who informed me about tongue ties.
I went to see a doctor for this as well and it turns out my baby has a minor, unnoticeable tongue tie that was causing all the latching issues. I’ve scheduled an appointment later this week to get it corrected. Without your advice, I would have never known, and it would have continued to be a struggle.
Yesterday, I was feeling so depressed, crying all day. But today, everything feels so much better. Each one of your comments made a difference. I’ve read almost all of your advice. Though I couldn’t reply to every comment, I spent a lot of time reading and each one touched my heart deeply. Again, thank you so much, everyone. You are incredible.
To everyone who DM'ed me with their advice and resources like books, other subreddits, and websites, I am eternally grateful. I promise I’ll reply whenever I get a chance.
I saved a lot of comments because the advice was so invaluable. I’m amazed that so many people took the time to give me and my baby detailed, thoughtful replies. I’ll try to respond to you guys whenever I can I hope you all understand.
About the sex thing, thank you to everyone who made me aware that this isn’t normal. I had been feeling guilty this whole time, thinking it's already been 6 weeks and wondering why I don't want to have intimacy.
Jake was gaslighting me into believing that my sex drive should be normal after 6 weeks and guilting me for not wanting to have intimacy. Each of the 4 times we did, I felt very uncomfortable, but I thought maybe it was just me.
Now that everyone has shared how long their partners waited and husbands have told me how long they waited for their wives to be comfortable, it made me realize how much I’ve been pressured unfairly.
Also, there were a few gamer people who trolled me heavily for what I did, but most of the gamer parents, especially gamer dads, came forward and shared how wonderful they are as parents and how gaming comes after their child.
The first hour after I posted this, I was harassed badly, especially by this one person (his account has been deleted by the moderators now). But after that horrific hour, most people were so supportive and nice.
I was thinking of deleting my post after all the backlash from some gamers and a lot of men agreeing with Jake, saying that just because I am on maternity leave, I do nothing all day and shouldn’t expect Jake to help because he is working and I am being unreasonable for wanting him to help out more.
But thank God I didn’t delete it; it would have been the worst mistake. Trust me, you guys, it’s not just about the advice but the emotional support you gave me in a day, sitting miles away from me.
My husband couldn’t even give that in 3 months, being under the same roof as me. This made me feel so much better, realizing how much I needed this support. Again, thank you so much, everyone.
I still cry a lot and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, like a heavy weight pressing down on my heart. There are moments when I feel like I'm failing as a mother and a wife, and the pain of those thoughts is unbearable.
But thanks to all of you, I feel so much better than before. Your words have been like a lifeline, pulling me out of the darkest depths of despair. Every comment, every message, has been a reminder that I’m not alone in this struggle.
I can’t describe the relief of knowing that there are people who understand and care. It’s like a warm embrace that I desperately needed, and for that, I am very grateful. You’ve given me the strength to keep going, to fight for myself and my baby, and for that, I will never be able to thank you enough. Answering some questions asked a lot:
How long have we been together?
We dated for 1 year and 5 months before getting married and have been married for about a year and 4 months. So in total about 2 years 9 months.
Was the pregnancy planned?
Yes, it was planned and actually his idea. I wanted to wait at least a year after getting married, but he made everything sound so good. Like we would be such great parents, and how we would do stuff together, and how happy everything would be.
I didn’t need much convincing. I got very excited hearing all this and had butterflies in my stomach. But now that I think of it, while we were dating, I remember him saying multiple times that it’s his goal to get married and have a kid before turning 30 (Emma was born a month before he turned 30), so maybe he was just trying to achieve his goal.
A lot of people(mostly men) are commenting that what they believe happened is that we dated for few months, got pregnant and had to marry in haste all within less than a year and that's the reason he is being like this, according to them I forced him into all this because I am a b-word who baby trapped him and he never wanted to have a kid, but this is far from truth.
How long does my maternity leave last, and is it paid or unpaid?
I work at a well-known USA-based company that offers 16 weeks of paid maternity leave. Maternity leave can be extended up to 22 weeks, but those additional weeks will be unpaid.
How does my income compare to his?
I do make a little more money than he does annually, but I also have longer working hours. He usually works from 10 AM to 5 PM, with an hour break in between, so about 6 hours of actual work.
Why did I have a baby with him when I knew he was so into gaming?
No, he wasn’t into gaming that much before. It was like 3-4 hours a day. After the baby came, he didn’t game much for about a week, but after that, oh my God, he was gaming 24/7, even during meals and work breaks.
Once, I caught him working on the laptop during his work hours and gaming with the free hand. He probably is cutting a lot on sleep just to game. It would easily be 10+ hours of gaming daily.
Does he help with other chores?
No, he very rarely does. I do all the chores like laundry, dishes, vacuuming. Once, I threatened him that he must at least do his own dishes because I wouldn’t do it anymore, and after that, he got a huge stack of disposable plates, spoons, glasses, etc.
Honestly, I use those too from his stock sometimes because I’m just so exhausted. I do most of the cooking. He’ll boil eggs at the most, and that too like 2-3 times a week. About 3 weeks ago.
I was really mad at him because I had asked him to change Emma’s diapers if she pooped while I was at my gynecologist for a follow-up. He didn’t change Emma’s diapers, so I didn’t make food for him for 3 days. He ordered DoorDash for all the meals.
That’s why even though a lot of people are asking me to leave him with Emma for 8 hours, I don’t know in what condition I’ll find my baby when I come back. I was only gone for an hour and a half, and I came home to her crying and soiled while my husband had his headphones on.
He claimed he didn’t hear the crying. God knows how long my baby had been crying. I felt awful that night and cried myself to sleep, thinking did she start crying as soon as I left and cry for the whole hour and a half?
Also, I have no idea what I will do after I resume my job, and I barely have 10 weeks to figure everything out. I haven't thought what to do about Jake as of now, but I'll let you know.
A lot of people have suggested that I go to my parents' house or call my MIL, but it would create a huge scene if I did. My parents, especially my dad, are very protective of me since I’m an only child.
If he knew how Jake has been treating me and our daughter, he would take me home immediately and get me divorced, and Jake would be in serious trouble (he doesn’t like Jake already). And if my male cousins found out, I can’t even explain what would happen to him. They are extremely protective of me as well.
It’s not that I don’t want to be with my family or get their help, but I would have to explain the reason, and I don’t want to do this to Jake just yet. Many people have mentioned that Jake might have PPD too because it’s unusual for him to change all of a sudden like this.
I still want to hold onto hope after reading all those comments about how therapy changed their husbands, and even some dads coming forward telling me how they used to be like Jake and now they have changed.
However, 2-3 dads also DM’ed me, saying they are like Jake and told me to run as far as I can. One of them said he ended up beating his 6 month-old baby when he was crying, and another said he shook his baby. Oh my God, this terrified me. Jake is behaving awfully, but I think he would never do something like that. But after reading all this, I don’t think I can leave Emma alone with him.
I’m crying while writing this, but I want you all to know that when Emma grows up, I will make sure to tell her about the kind strangers who helped her and her mama in such difficult times.
I’ll tell her about the people who, even from miles away, reached out with their hearts and lifted us up when we were at our lowest. The tears I shed now are not just from the pain and exhaustion, but also from the overwhelming gratitude I feel for each one of you.
I’ll forever be grateful for your kindness and compassion, and I want Emma to know that in our darkest moments, there were angels who came to our rescue. Thank you for giving us the strength to carry on.
Edit:
Many of you are urging me to call my dad ASAP and get his help. Trust me, I understand why you’re saying this, but there’s something you should know about my dad. When it comes to me, he’s incredibly hot-headed and protective.
If my dad, cousins and uncles find out how Jake has been treating me, they will definitely go after him, and it won’t end well. I’m scared they will face assault charges or worse for what they’ll do to Jake.
Even if Jake decides to get therapy and changes, my dad will never let me try again with him. There’s no way my family will allow Jake back into my life once they know everything.
It hurts every day when I have to hold back my tears while talking to my mom, dad, and other family members. It hurts to lie to my parents, to pretend that everything is perfect when I’m actually falling apart. Sometimes I break down while on calls, and I have to cut the conversation short, lying that Emma woke up again just so they don’t hear me crying.
You don’t know how much I want to tell them, how much I want their support, but I’m terrified of making a decision where there’s no coming back from in such haste. I fear making a decision in haste that leaves no room for redemption or reconciliation.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's first update:
SmeeegHeead
Seriously, leave him. Let your dad do what he will. He's not going to get any better.
Good luck.
Good_Focus2665
Agreed. You gain nothing by protecting Jake from your father. You’ll gain support and much needed rest if you tell your dad. They are more likely to help you with the kid than Jake.
PositionSuch1097
Hi OP,
I've been following your story and waiting anxiously for an update. First of all, I want to say how incredibly brave you are. It takes immense courage to open up about such a personal and painful experience, and I admire your strength.
Reading your update brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine how tough these past few months have been for you, but your determination to seek help and your love for Emma shines through so brightly. I'm so relieved to hear that you took the steps to see a doctor and get support for PPD.
Jake sounds like a real piece of shit, honestly. You deserve so much better than someone who dismisses your pain and refuses to help with his own child. If I were you, I’d tell your brothers and dad everything and let Jake get what he deserves(he should get a nice beating from your brothers tbh).
You shouldn't have to deal with this alone. Please continue to reach out whenever you need to, and know that there are so many of us here who care about you and Emma. Sending you all my love and support. Stay strong, mama. You've got this, and we're all here for you.
Condensed_Sarcasm
"My parents, especially my dad, are very protective of me since I’m an only child. If he knew how Jake has been treating me and our daughter, he would take me home immediately and get me divorced, and Jake would be in serious trouble (he doesn’t like Jake already).
And if my cousin brothers found out, I can’t even explain what would happen to him. I’m the only sister in the family, so they are extremely protective of me as well."
THIS is exactly the reason you NEED to tell them. You have a support team, but you're not using them. Honey, Jake isn't going to listen to you or to a bunch of internet strangers.
He NEEDS other men up in his face to shake him until the rocks in his skull come loose. PLEASE, for your safety and Emma's, call your dad. Call your cousins. Be honest with what's going on and LET THEM HELP YOU. Please 🙏
Personal_Fee_9594
I bet there are some very good reasons OP’s Dad is already not a fan of Jake…
fair-strawberry6709
Honey it is a big ass red flag that your dad already doesn’t like him. YOUR DAD IS THE PERSON TO CALL RIGHT NOW. Please. I say this from experience. He will not change without a harsh reality check, and even then he will only change if he wants to. Go where you actually have support. Call your dad.
"UPDATE 2- AITA for Sabotaging my Husband’s Tournament after he refused to help with our newborn?"
Puzzled-Two6615
I know this is a very early update. It's only been 5 hours since I posted my last update, but they have been enough to knock some sense into me. You guys are right. I am being an asshole here and not prioritizing my baby, so I need to get out of here ASAP.
Oh my God, I read the comments, and I am overwhelmed. I've been crying hysterically again. Jake even shouted from the other room, asking if I could keep it down. You're right; he won't change. He is so insensitive. Realizing how foolish I’ve been has hit me hard. You all made me see how stupid I am for not leaving Jake and going to my parents, and how I am putting both Emma's and my lives in danger.
The thing that moved me the most was when you told me to imagine if it was Emma being treated like this. Would I want her to keep quiet or tell me what's happening with her? That hit me so hard. I can’t bear the thought of her going through what I’m going through.
I've decided to talk to my family tomorrow or day after tomorrow. I need some time to think about what and how much to say to them so the worst doesn’t happen, and my family doesn’t end up in jail. They love me a lot and have been protective of me since I was a kid.
I also need to find and upload all the recordings from the CCTV cameras to my laptop, which will help me with custody if we end up getting divorced. I need time to figure out the recordings and CCTV stuff, so I’ll probably call someone for help.
I'm thinking of doing this discreetly when Jake is sleeping because I am scared he might completely lose it. I know he probably won't even notice since he mostly sleeps between gaming and doesn’t come out of the room. But then again, I have been an idiot about so much stuff already, so let me know if I should do it another way.
Please, if there are steps(other than the recordings and important documents) I should take before telling my family and leaving, let me know (because I know once I leave I won't be coming back).
I know I don’t reply often, but I read your comments, and I promise I’ll try to reply when things are better here. But please, I only have a little time and don’t want to mess this up. You guys have scared the hell out of me with the possibilities of what could happen.
You all are saying Jake will kill the baby and I'll end up doing a funeral for my baby. Please don't say stuff like that. That's just a very cruel and mean thing to say. I have already been so depressed and crying, and now it feels like I am drowning again. Please, please, please stop saying that I’ll end up with a dead baby—it’s very, very insensitive, even if you are saying this just so I would ask for help and leave Jake.
Secondly, I know you must be thinking, "Why does this woman cry a lot? She is always crying, and she is pathetic," but I don’t know what’s happening to me. All I do is cry, and I wasn’t like this before. I cried very little before giving birth, to be honest. I am just very overwhelmed.
And to those who are saying bad things about my dad, calling him a psycho control freak with anger issues, trust me, he is nothing like that. He is actually a very calm person, but he is very close to me and extremely protective.
Since I was little, he gets protective even when someone raises their voice at me. He is not a bad person; he just cares deeply about me. Thank you all for your support and advice. You’ve opened my eyes, and I’m determined to make things better for Emma and me.
P.S. Emma just woke up and now she is just staring at me with her big blue eyes, and she isn't even crying. Maybe she is trying to say something, I don't know. Even this is making me break down in tears. I am back from where I began; I am going crazy.
I can't believe looking at her tiny hands, her little fingers gripping mine, that I was being such a blindfolded, idiotic bitch who was going to jeopardize my baby's life. The guilt and shame are overwhelming, and I feel like the worst mother in the world.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
PositionSuch1097
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It’s clear how much you love Emma and want the best for her. You’re making the right choice by prioritizing her safety. Take it one step at a time. Gather your evidence, and reach out to your family with a plan. You’re not alone in this. There’s so much support for you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re not pathetic or weak. You’re a loving mother doing her best. When you talk to your family, be honest. They love you and will help protect you and Emma.
If you’re scared of Jake’s reaction, leaving while he’s asleep sounds smart. Make sure you have all important documents and belongings ready. Stay safe. You’re stronger than you think, and we’re all here for you.
PrideofCapetown
Ok Mamma Bear, I understand this is probably the hardest thing you’ve ever done and there’s a million emotions/ thoughts running through your head, but step #1 is to schedule your breakdown 6 or 8 months or a year from now.
I am not trying to be flippant so please forgive me if it comes off that way. You absolutely have to go through all your thoughts and emotions, but schedule them for later. You have work to do. Like Kenny Rogers said, ‘don’t count your money when you’re sitting at the table, there will be time enough for counting when the dealing’s done”.
Birth certificates for you + Emma, any passport/citizenship docs, remove him from your bank account if he has access, lock down your credit/credit cards. Best wishes and keep us posted ❤️
Kiranechan
OP, please give yourself some grace. You've been single parenting a newborn and are extremely overwhelmed. You are not a bad mother; you just needed some help seeing your situation with unbiased eyes. Please don't beat yourself up. You're a great mom and you're clearly doing everything you can to take care of little Emma ❤️
antihero2303
Sweetie, can you possibly call your family right this minute and ask them to come get you and help you pack? With your family there, Jake can’t hurt you or your baby. They can help ensure you get documents and whatever you need. This isn’t a battle you have to fight alone.
Edit to add: I’m the mother of a 10 year old girl. If she would ever be in your situation, I would hope she would come to me and ask for help. And I would move mountains to help her.