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'AITA for sabotaging my husband’s tournament after he refused to help with our newborn?'

'AITA for sabotaging my husband’s tournament after he refused to help with our newborn?'

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"AITA for sabotaging my husband’s tournament after he refused to help with our newborn?"

My husband, Jake (30M), and I (27F) recently welcomed our first baby, Emma, who is now three months old. As most new parents know, it's been a challenging time, filled with sleepless nights and endless diaper changes. I’m on maternity leave, so I’m home with Emma all day, but I still need help from Jake, especially during the night.

Jake works from home and is a huge gamer. He spends most of his free time playing online games with his friends. I’ve tried to be understanding and give him his space, but it’s been hard when he refuses to help with Emma at night. I’ve asked him multiple times to take turns getting up with her, but he always says he’s too tired or that he has an important game.

Breastfeeding has been particularly difficult. Emma often struggles to latch properly, leading to painful and sometimes cracked nipples. I’ve had mastitis twice already, which leaves me feeling feverish and in intense pain.

Despite seeing me in pain, Jake just laughs it off, finding it amusing. He never offers to help during these moments, even though I’m struggling and in need of support. One night, after I’d been up with Emma for the third time and Jake was still glued to his computer, I’d had enough.

I went into his office and asked him to take over so I could get some sleep. He waved me off, saying he was in the middle of a game and that I should just handle it. He added, "You're on maternity leave and free all day while I have to work, so I need time to relax. You're just sitting around doing nothing all day anyway."

I was exhausted and on the verge of tears. I needed his help, but he was completely dismissive. In a moment of frustration and desperation, I walked over to the router and turned off the Wi-Fi.

That's when Jake completely lost it. He stormed out of his office, screaming at me. Apparently, he and his friends were in some sort of online tournament, and they were about to win when I unplugged the Wi-Fi. He called me selfish, irresponsible, and accused me of sabotaging his one form of relaxation.

He went on to say that I had no right to interfere with his "me time" and that I should have just waited until he was done. I calmly explained that I needed his help and that our baby was more important than his game.

He refused to listen and continued to berate me, adding that I haven't even been intimate with him and that we've only had been physical four times since Emma was born. He accused me of wanting to take everything away from him while doing nothing all day and sitting at home on my a%s.

Jake never helps during the day either, even after he finishes work at 5 PM. I don’t expect him to help during work hours, but once he’s off, he should be stepping up as a parent. Instead, he goes straight to his games, leaving me to handle everything alone.

Since then, he’s been sulking around the house, barely speaking to me. To make matters worse, his friends have been sending me nasty messages, calling me a "crazy wife" and saying I’m unreasonable. One of them even suggested that Jake should leave me because I'm "too demanding."

I feel like I’m losing my mind here, just trying to get a bit of support. I’m exhausted, and all I wanted was for Jake to step up and be a parent too. Instead, I’m being painted as the villain for wanting help with our newborn. AITA?

EDIT:

For those saying why I married him and didn't I know this before, Jake was completely different before Emma was born. He was supportive and understanding. This behavior is new and shocking to me.

To all those calling me the ahole, I am sorry. Your words cut deep, and I feel more hurt than I can express. I didn't turn off the Wi-Fi out of spite or because I couldn't handle my responsibilities; it was a desperate act after feeling completely unsupported and alone.

I feel like I'm drowning in guilt and sadness. This time with Emma has been incredibly challenging—I'm constantly exhausted and in pain from breastfeeding. All I do is cry because I feel like such a failure. I just can't anymore.

Jake works hard, and I appreciate him, but his indifference to my struggles makes me feel so isolated. I spend my days and nights in tears, wondering if I'm failing as a mother and a wife. All I've wanted is for us to share the responsibilities of parenting, especially during those late-night feedings and diaper changes that leave me feeling so drained.

I've been struggling with feelings of sadness and guilt, wondering if I'm failing as a mother and a wife. It's not about controlling his downtime; it's about needing his support during this incredibly tough time. I wish you could understand the depth of loneliness and frustration I've been feeling.

Your words about me being selfish and immature hit hard because I've been questioning myself constantly. I never wanted to play the victim or make Jake out to be the bad guy. All I wanted was for us to work together as a team, like we promised each other when we decided to start a family.

I'm sorry if my actions hurt anyone, including Jake and his friends. I was overwhelmed and at my breaking point. I'm trapped in a cycle of guilt, feeling like everything is my fault. I never wanted to hurt anyone; I just don't know how to cope anymore. I'm not trying to be selfish—I'm just trying to survive.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

National_Oil8587 said:

This is impossible to live like this! Why are you with him? Did he even understand that he became a father or was he gaming through the birth of the baby? I'm a mom of a small baby as well, I read through your post and I'm terrified! Please get him to the therapy or to the court. NTA.

PositionSuch1097 said:

NTA You’re not unreasonable for wanting help. It’s his baby too, and he needs to act like it. Your husband needs to realize that being a parent means making sacrifices and stepping up to help, especially during the tough early months.

Gaming is not more important than taking care of his own child. You did what you had to do to get his attention, and he needs to get his priorities straight.

Bastet79 said:

NTA. Please ask him, when your me-time is. Make him give you a fixed time. And than stick your guns and go to bed. By the way, he failed as a partner and up to now also as a father... AH is his title I give him without any tournament.

murphy2345678 said:

NTA you are a single mother with an extra child living in your home. STOP DOING ANYTHING FOR HIM! Laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning dishes, etc. Contact your family and friends and ask for help.

Explain exactly what is going on and that you can’t do this alone. If you were my daughter I would be there in a heartbeat packing you up and bringing you and the baby home with me. And not just for a week but permanently.

cautiousapartheid said:

You're NTA. Parenting requires teamwork, especially during difficult times like breastfeeding and newborn care. Your husband's prioritization of gaming over family responsibilities is unfair and dismissive of your needs.

annebonnell said:

NTA! I would recommend talking to a lawyer and getting an exit plan together. He is not going to change. He is not going to get better. This is going to be your life. Is there anyone who can stay with you or you can stay with them? Or can you afford to hire help?

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