SAHM completely SNAPS at husband; 'I feel so disrespected.' AITA?

"AITA for snapping at my husband?"

Soo my husband on the whole it great! We have 2 kids and he's a great dad. I'm a SAHM, discussed and agreed , his job can be stressful, he deals with lots of big events and lots of people management, at times it can be overwhelming.

I've noticed that whenever things are hard in work with events coming up or he's struggling with peoples mistakes etc. he's just not as nice as home. To a certain degree im ok with this. I cant expect him to be nice and happy all the time. I support him in anyway I can.

The main reason I snapped today was because he shouted at my 2yo. We have a system with discipline, we say no, warn him, and then get down on his level and sternly talk to him.

Then it's naughty step and a potential shouting depending on the situation. Almost every time the job is stressful, this goes out the window with hubs. He just defaults to shouting straight away.

My LO was super upset, he loves his dad ( further proof he's normally an awesome dad) I whispered to him, I think you shouted too soon.

(We've agreed not to disagree with discipline in front of the children but back each other up) Well this time I just didn't want to keep my mouth shut Well hubs shouted at me that I shouldn't undermine him in front of our child.

I snapped back, I said I was done with how he treats us when he stressed, we are not the bad guys and he cannot take his frustrations out on us, I told him to get out and leave us alone. he left for work then and we've not spoken since

I've been for coffee with a friend and she thinks I was too harsh and that I should cut him some slack as he's in a stressful place with work. I'll admit I shouldn't have said about not shouting, as I went back on something we agreed on. I just hated seeing my LO cry because of it. I want to protect him. I felt so disrespected.

I don't really know how to handle the situation otherwise. I have spoken to hubs about this issue before and he always apologises and says he'll work on it. But I'm not seeing any change and don't know how to help this issue... But I won't have him taking work stress out on us as a family...

Edit to update: I'm grateful for all the practical advice, thanks! Just for info this was before work so the chilling out post work advice, (although super helpful for other situations!) wouldn't work here. It was his anticipation of work. But perhaps I can just say I'll deal with discipline before work most times.

Let's see what readers thought:

grounds writes:

NTA we had a thing in our marriage were if one of us was getting too worked up and was taking it too far with our kids. Like shouting when it wasn’t needed then we would step in.

Usually I would go tell my husband I’d deal with it and he’d leave the room then once I calmed my son I’d talk to my husband. He would usually see and accept it.

The same when I’d occasionally get really frustrated with my son as at times you well they are not listening and your not getting anywhere. So it helped having someone just get you out of the situation and to calm down and think.

My husband was great at then going back and apologising to our sons and explaining he got frustrated and why what they did was wrong but that he was wrong too and over reacted.

To be honest I’ve always found it good to go back and talk it through with the kids after they have calmed down anyway especially the older they got.

They are more able to see they shouldn’t have done something and that you weren’t just Ordering them or doing it out of being mean but for a good reason.

They are no longer just reacting and usually able to apologise themselves. I find it helped them know we loved them to listened to their feeling when they could express them better. I found it healthier all round.

We too had a system of how to handle when they played up but when my husband wasn’t doing so well he to could jump to shouting over little things and ignoring huge things we would never let them away with.

It messed with the boys and they of course felt it was unfair when it happened but they to knew I would always step in without over riding dad and make sure it was fair.

That when it happened their dad would like them cool down and apologise. It worked as he would instantly realise and stop when I appeared and said I’d take over so it was usually a quick things resolved quickly.

Time to talk to your husband and tell him you don’t want to visibly override him but you will not stand by when he bullies your child and totally overreacts.

That your child didn’t hear what you said to him and it was him that blew up and made the whole thing happen in front of your child and you won’t accept that.

That from now on he controls his temper and you work out a system where if he overreacts you can give him a sign to leave the room and let you handle it. That you won’t accept him then turning on you and making the whole thing three times more traumatic for your child simply as he can’t handle rightly being called out.

That things need to change and you will no longer let him treat you and your son like crap and shout at the slightest thing whenever he’s stressed as nothing makes that excusable. That if he ever shouts at you or your child like that again just because he’s having a tantrum then this marriage will be over.

antiquegen writes:

ESH, but not really, it's just a product of being two different people raising a family. It happens, you both broke a rule for similar reason. You said you wouldn't undermine him in front of the kids but you responded to him shouting which for him was in response to a stress filled job.

I'm sure he regrets it after the fact, give each other some grace, discuss it once everyone's anxiety is reduced and understand it will definitely happen again.

crast writes:

NTA while a stressful job is certainly a reason to be in a bad mood, it is in no way an excuse to lash out and not treat you and your child in a respectful way, just as he does anyone else. I doubt he would allow himself to lash out like that at his coworkers or friends.

you agreed on how to discipline your kids and if he ignores that, you have a right to call it out. even if it wasn't an agreement you made, he has no right to shout at you or your child out of nowhere. this is straight up disrespectful and creates a very insecure environment.

he needs to find another way to deal with his emotions like a grown-up. that is 100% a responsibility he has towards you and his child. if he doesn't feel like he can manage his frustration alone, I suggest he try counseling.

kamisang writes:

YTA - so everytime you're upset with your husband because he doesn't follow your very controlled and specific discipline steps you think it's ok to undermine him (when you agreed not to) and to kick him out?

WTF are you to kick this man out of his own home? That is the biggest. Not saying shouting at a toddler is great but your behaviour concerns me more.