SAHM discovers 'high earner' husband's spy camera in living room, 'he was trying to prove a point.' AITA?
"AITA for divorcing my husband for putting a camera in our house to prove a point about me?"
It's been about a month since I (46F) found out my husband (47M) had put a hidden camera in our living room to " prove" that I'm lazy and worthless. It was a small disguised camera hidden inside what looked like a charging block. He stuck one in a living room outlet. We have 3 kids (16F, 14M, 12F) who all have a bunch of chargers and such, so I did not suspect. The point my husband was trying to prove was that my administrative skills are not up to the Super SAHM standards he as a " high earner" deserves.
This all started after a situation where my 12 year old needed a permission slip signed and forms filled out in order to go on a class trip. I admit that things happened and we missed the submission deadline.
I had made a note to fill out the forms on another day since it was a task I needed to be 100% focused on. But it became the start of a new month, and that's when I do most of the shopping and tracking of household bills/ subscriptions. I do daily cleaning but we use a service for deep cleaning/ landscaping that I had to supervise.
Long story short, my 16yo calls my husband after picking up her sister up saying she was crying because she can't go on her trip. My husband drives to the school to beg them to let him fill the forms out in the office. Thankfully they let him since it was the same day. I apologized profusely.
My husband, who is self employed as a HVAC technician, laid into me about how he has so many calls a day but still handles the administrative aspect of his job- communications and bookkeeping. I yelled back because his work is concentrated while my work at home has a bunch of moving parts and emotional labor as well and I do it all behind the scenes. He digs his heels in about how I wasn't as busy and needed to do " easy" things better.
A week later he picks a fight about me not going that day to mail checks out to his employees when I could've done it the next day. He admits to the camera and starts citing " proof" of times I was on my phone and that automatically equals goofing off. I was on my phone researching meals to fit my daughter's dietary restrictions while keeping her healthy as a ballet dancer. I was looking into subscriptions for frozen but healthy meals she and the rest of us could have on the go or at home.
The fact he took offense to me occasionally lying down when I was researching, or that I had taken a TV break before preparing dinner did it for me. He knew that my days are crazy during the first days of the month, which was when the permission slip debacle happened. I kicked him out of the house.
It's been a month and friends have been saying that I'm missing the fact there are others out there who would not disregard the things I do to make being high earning possible. I ended up seeing an attorney and just filed for divorce because I feel violated and devalued. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
highoncatnipbrownies said:
YTA. I really want to be on your side because I would also file for divorce if I found a hidden camera...But you supervise the house cleaner and the landscapers... And this is a full time job? You need to research pre cooked meals? But you don't do the deep cleaning...You have to schedule time to fill out a form? What kind of questions are the teachers asking here?What exactly do you do all day?
Ksharonmcg said:
The clincher for me is that your 16-year-old called her father instead of you to help her out of a jam that you created. I’m not convinced you’re as reliable as you think you are. Divorce him if you want to but YTA on your parenting priorities.
Miraclefish said:
YTA, and here's why: Your daughter didn't call you for help sorting out the mess you made, she called your husband at work, who sounds like the far more reliable partner and parent.The more I read your post, the more it sounds like you don't do anywhere near as much as you think you do.
You have to 'supervise' the paid cleaners and gardeners? You poor thing...You're googling pre-made meal subscriptions? How hard is it to cook for your kids? Oh but she does ballet so she needs super-special subscription meal services? Bullsh$t. You don't keep on top of your kids school requirements and essentially lost your daughter's chance to go on an important trip? And your husband saved the day while you sit there coming up with excuses about 'having to be 100% focused' - but you still have time to have TV breaks? Are those TV breaks more important than your daughter? Apparently so.
You say you have to do lots of emotional labor - where's the recognition of his emotional labor? You also delay mailing out of employee paychecks until the last minute out of spite - just like you leave your daughter's school trip. It sounds like you have a much higher opinion of yourself than anyone else, while downplaying everyone else's work and needs.
I think the poor guy deserves a wife who doesn't spent her time feeling sorry for herself and coming up with excuses while he dashes around picking up the pieces. Is putting up a hidden camera in your home sh%tty? Yeah. Has your husband been bringing this up and have you been telling him this same bullshit you've been spinning us? Even when you paint yourself as the victim in your own words you sound awful. I bet he has some far worse stories to tell than you admit to.
So if you're gaslighting him, and this is what his life has come to? Well putting up a camera is less sh$tty than the way you treat your family. The fact that you keep coming back to edit incriminating details out of your story yet have not answered a single question is the nail in the coffin. You're altering the narrative and trying to gaslight us and probably your poor f%cking husband too.
OP I have a question about one of your main complaints (which you've now edited out): When you were on the way to the post office already and he asked you to send his employees' checks, you know, the ones whose labour is what allows for you to be a stay at home mom, how many additional sheets of paper were you forced to carry, and were you able to make it home in time to watch someone else he pays to do your cleaning and gardening to make sure they do it properly, and was your 16 year old child home with the 12 year old you have them pick up at school for you?
"I ended up seeing an attorney and just filed for divorce because I feel violated and devalued." Good, set him free. Let him find a woman who'll love and support him, wait until you see what your life is going to be like when that decree comes through and the money tap is turned off and you have to work for a living to pay him child support, because those kids know who looks after them and it isn't Tiktok mommy.
Iwishyouwell2024 said:
YTA and very negligent. Employers need their payment AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Not the day after you are "searching" healthy foods. Go to a nutricionist for that!!!
CrabbyPatty1876 said:
You need 100% focus to sign a permission form? Your days must be exhausting while you "supervise" people taking care of your house... Divorce can't come soon enough for this man.
LastAd6559 said:
YTA. You are a lazy parent. The fact that your 16 yo called your husband instead of you says enough. You are not responsible and not fit to be a SAHM.
CyclicRate38 said:
Honestly, you do sound lazy and unreliable. Your youngest kid is 12, there really isn't all that much to do kid wise and you have a service for "deep cleaning". So what exactly do you do?
PenaltyAggressive810 said:
I’m sorry, but I can’t get past the “we have a weekly cleaner come in that I have to supervise.” No you f-king don’t. And “I do the tracking on our bills/subscriptions.” So, what, you have Netflix? And you couldn’t sign a form bc you were grocery shopping? What??
cassowary32 said:
Your youngest is 12. Most SAHP's get a part time job once the youngest is old enough to take babysitting gigs themselves. In 2024 when most bill payment can be automated, what exactly are you doing that's so labor intensive at the beginning of the month? Have you been screened for ADHD?