SAHM's husband won't let her join orchestra; 'Is this what's best for our family...or is this emotional abuse?!' UPDATED 2X

When this SAHM is concerned that her husband is being controlling, she asks the internet:

"My [F47] husband [M46] doesn’t want me to join an orchestra because he thinks I would be abandoning my responsibilities. Would this make sense?

I’m a stay-at-home mom of 4 since I lost my job during Covid while on maternal leave. I decided to temporarily leave my career as a web dev team lead so that I can focus on the children and in the end, making our lives easier so we don’t have to rush through the after work grind.

Staying at home with the kids was both extremely rewarding and extremely tiring. There’s also very little appreciation, other than “thank you for supper” or “thank you for washing the clothes”. Last year, for my mental health, I needed to have something for myself, and that’s when I decided to take up playing cello.

I’ve been more than loving it. It’s a huge passion. I wake up in the morning wanting to practice, but of course, I only practice once my “chores” are done.

I’ve joined a local online community group of cellists that have been wonderfully supportive. The leader of the group has invited me on many occasions to join their orchestra, which will require 3-4 hours, 1 Saturday mornings out of 2, located 33 km away from where I live.

My husband was totally shocked at how far it was. So I tried finding another group closer to where I live, but I can’t really find anything else.

So this morning, I told my husband that I really want to join the orchestra. He got annoyed and said it was too far, and that I would add thousands of meterage to our car. So I said I can organise a carpool.

Then he got angry said that he is disgusted by my unilateral decision to join. That I would abandon all my responsibilities like I do now when I practice daily. That it doesn’t fit with swimming courses and ski courses (I can make it fit!). How can I just drop everything for myself?

I know in my heart, that I don’t neglect my duties. I am the only one who cooks, cleans, helps kids with homework, deals with kids all the time, organise everything the kids need for their various courses (ski, swim, kung fu etc)…. In the past, I even did the little chores that he was supposed to do himself, when I was tired of waiting for him to do them. Never once, did I complain.

Did I approach it the wrong way? He said he would’ve like me to ask his opinion. Am I asking too much time for myself? (I already practice on my own 1-2 hours almost daily). Introspectively, maybe I need just a break from my family to find myself. Shouldn’t I be able to find that when I go back to work?

Little side note: I told him I probably won’t join because of his reaction. He’s all happy now. Yet I’m feeling dejected.

TLDR; found a passion in playing the cello. Want to join a great group of cellists but husband feels like I’m abandoning my responsibilities.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

miutrun writes:

Yes!!! I’m a SAHM by choice(and luckily as hell to be able to do so) but that doesn’t mean that I’m not a person too. I still get overwhelmed and overworked just like any other job I’ve had, but this time I can’t just clock off until tomorrow.

I had to sit my partner down and explain to him that I no longer felt like a human being, just a broken down robot that takes care of everyone and everything else while not even getting a portion of that back.

I’m not expecting him to cater to my every whim like I do for our son, but I do expect him to at least step in when he notices I’m overwhelmed or need a break.

He had told me that he would see me like that but since I didn’t specifically tell him to take our son that he thought I had it handled. But mom guilt is a real thing, and sometimes you just need someone to step in without you asking them to.

nosfera writes:

He's happy to avoid participating in his own family & household at the expense of his wife. That's not healthy for anyone involved. It's exploitation & will lead to resentment, conflict, and can possibly lead to more extreme control.

If she goes, and she absolutely should, she needs to be aware of the possibility that he'll call/text to interrupt her regularly, intentionally leave the house a wreck every time, or f something up so severely she's afraid of leaving him in charge of the kids.

He may also give her the silent treatment, say things to make her feel guilty, or pick a fight with her after to punish her. He may not do any of these, but the level of control is already concerning.

Especially if she's never tried to do anything for herself. If he uses other emotionally abusive tactics to make her quit or prevent her from going, she absolutely needs to run. Someone who will hurt you and/or your children to make you obey will hurt you or your children to make you obey

chipmugchai writes:

Oh honey no, you're allowed to have things that only bring you joy. Not every second of your time has to be spent caring for others. Your husband sounds like my exh, where the only way he was happy was if I gave up everything I enjoyed to serve him. Is he this dismissive of anything else you like?

Do you not allow yourself to have things that are just for you because he doesn't like it? How did all household responsibilities and all child care come to be yours only?

I mentioned that my exh was like this, and I am still disappointed about all the opportunities I passed on because I knew he wouldn't like it.

It was interesting how, when I finally pursued a hobby of mine despite him not thinking it was a good idea, that I gained the self confidence to finally leave him for good.

I'm not saying that you should leave him, just that if he really loved you and wanted you happy, he'd step up and spend time with his own kids rather than expect you to do it all with no help or time off.

It's quite strange, isn't it, how raising kids and managing a family is somehow both so easy anyone could do it but you aren't doing it right regardless, yet so complicated only you can?

Please join the orchestra and please play that cello a lot more. Your kids need to see you having a mind, life, and interests of your own, and you deserve happiness.

tashiacole writes:

Absolutely DO IT. Being married doesn’t mean suddenly your entire personality is “wife.” Having children doesn’t mean your entire personality is “mother.” He likes you with no personal interests.

No time for yourself. He likes having a kitchen slave. And a house slave. And a slave to his children. He doesn’t give a single f about you as an individual.

“I’m joining the orchestra. I will look into a carpool for mileage on the car. You are more than capable as a father to be a father to your children while I have some time to myself. You’re perfectly capable of cleaning. Cooking. Childcare.

And these are ALL your responsibilities as well as an independent adult, partner, and father. If you have a problem with this I suggest you do some introspection to determine why you feel I am not allowed a moment of peace or joy that doesn’t involve being a housewife, mother, or caretaker in general. I don’t care how you feel about it.

I’m doing it. And if that’s a problem I will return to work and we can look at amicably separating. I am more than a wife. I am more than a mother. And I will not have my identity stolen from me or be deprived of it because it makes life easier for you. I have needs.

I have a right to have those needs met. If you don’t care about my needs we need to reevaluate our lives together. Because I will not remain in a relationship with someone who denies me my personhood and who issues emotional and verbal abuse to force me to do what they say.

Your happiness is NOT more important than mine. And I am absolutely allowed to and going to prioritize my needs where appropriate. You’re not wanting me to do it does NOT mean it’s inappropriate. That’s a you problem. Deal with it.”

Update 1:

First of all, I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my post. And all of you who has replied with concern. I never thought of seeking so much attention (being the introverted person I am, I felt kinda uneasy!), but I have to admit, in all honesty, it felt really good to be supported like this.

I will add that, although I do most of the house work, he does help. And when he does help and I thank him, he mentions that at least he feels like he's contributing.

So... Yesterday I dropped a word to my husband, asking him to really think about what I'm asking.

And that I thought that his reaction was a bit excessive. Later, he called me back to tell me that he was sorry that he reacted that way, and that it was a knee-jerk reaction to what I had said.

He said there was no reason to stop me from going, really. It's just that he finds that I've been lagging behind with my household tasks and that "Correlation is not causation", but he had the impression that my cello playing was a factor.

I told him that the kids are home _all the time_ and that it's 5 (4 kiddos + 1 working husband) against 1 when it comes to keeping the house clean. The main floor is always clean, the washrooms are washed, I've been doing some decluttering here and there.

I'm sooo not up to date with my laundry because ouf, I'm exhausted. Not to mention that it's all fine and dandy when we go camping, but who preps *everything* for camping? The who cleans the tent, washes and dries the tarpaulin afterwards? Does all the camping laundry?

I think it's unrealistic for him to think I can do all that without feeling overwhelmed. That cello-playing has been my release as opposed to the cause of my lagging behind. It's what keeps me sane and prevents me from breaking down (and strangling him /j).

He said there's no real reason for me to not join, but that, in the end, I will be dumping whatever I do on Saturday morning on him, that he would have to do what I was supposed to do. (But in my head, I know for sure he won't do anything until I get back, anyways).

I told him that he could take this opportunity to play Civilization 6 with the kids without feeling guilty. Whatever he choses, I'll support him. But, I'm joining my orchestra.

Again, thank you all for reminding me of my value and who I am. Virtual hugs to all!

Update 2:

Yes, I am happy to go, and if you knew me, you’d kinda know why. I’m very content with very little. I grew up with a broken family, almost always alone, so when I get something I really like, it’s like Christmas with sprinkles for me.

I’m also usually super positive and cheery, and I’m trying to coax that person out again, after years of feeling “less than”. I was in therapy for almost 5 years, and it helped immensely. I had to stop for financial reasons and wish I could get back into it, but… my cello-ing has been eating away at my savings… hehe.

My kids are 14, 11, 9 and 5. They do chores before having electronics and all, but they are small chores. They help me with laundry, they cook their own breakfast and lunch.

And put away their mess with a bit of reminding. We are in the process of selecting which toys to keep, so they’ve been absorbed by it. And as a kid, I had to raise myself, so I kinda lost a bit of my childhood. I kinda want my kids to have fun memories of their summer, so I keep their chores to basic stuff.

I mean, with 4 kids in the house, it’s contantly telling them to pick up after themselves, or constantly playing middlewoman between squabbling siblings… So they still have quite some stuff to deal with.

Yes, I am aware that he is a bit ego-centric. We have a dynamic that fosters this whole interaction. I need to put my needs first, and I thought I had it down last spring, but looks like my self-doubt is creeping back. It’s hard because I want to be attentive to his concerns and not brush them away. Thanks to ya’ll, I snapped out of it and am asserting myself again.

I’m looking forwards to going back to work. But it’s my son’s 3rd year in high school and apparently it will step up a notch. It’s also my eldest daughter’s entrance exams to some exclusive schools this September-October, so I want to be there for both of them. I’ll see how that goes after the first semester. If all goes well, I will start looking for a job.

Do I see he’s a bad husband? Ouf, tough question. No, I didn’t see it that way. I see we need to both work on this. I need to call him out when he’s being an ass and controlling. He does have a caring side.

Like when he brings me my iron pill in the morning because he knows I have to wait a whole hour before eating after I take them. It’s…. So foreign for me to think that someone would be happy for me at their expense. Maybe that’s another issue I have to take to my therapist when I see her again…