'Saw an email from my MIL about me to my husband. I'm in shock.'
"Saw an email from my MIL about me to my husband. I'm in shock."
Hi all, sorry for the long post but I’m really shaken and need some advice. For background: My MIL has bullied me for years. When I finally told her how hurt I was, she escalated badly: she told me my wedding was the worst day of her life, insulted my parents, told my husband he never wanted to marry me, and demanded I return the necklace she gave me when I got engaged (which I did).
My FIL is also awful to me so I’ve been NC from him for even longer. Recently, MIL has been pushing to “meet for a coffee” to “move forward.” I’ve refused via DH unless she acknowledges that she said things which were out of line, because the last “coffee” ended with her being extremely insulting. I’ve blocked her on email and WhatsApp due to past abusive messages.
I’ve also just had a miscarriage after a 2-year IVF journey, so I’m emotionally exhausted. Today I saw this email she sent my husband (it was open on his computer). Here is the full email she sent him:
“Dearest [husband],
All I want is to meet [me] on a friendly platform. To have a nice coffee, chat and catch up, simply as a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law friendly meeting.
You and [me] have already told me multiple times that [me] wants to move forward and “not dwell on the past”, so this is the only way forward for us if we are to have a harmonious, friendly, normal relationship.
This is so important for us all particularly you, as I am sure that your life must be dreadful living with her nagging and criticizing not only us but your wonderful sisters and brothers-in-law who have behaved impeccably towards her at all times, inviting her round and being kind, inclusive and friendly.
And you know this.
This will be my 4th attempt to reach out to [me]. The previous 3 have been complete failures because [me] behaved appallingly and totally unprovoked towards me.
You are simply trying to give in to [me] constant gas lighting and narcissistic personality which will never resolve the situation. We will NOT go over the past. So the only way forward as I have told you multiple times is:
1. Tell her to unblock me from her emails NOW, so that I can send her a nice friendly email to meet up, and let’s move forward. You know that she really doesn’t want to and you are trying to make me the bad person here. You are being gaslit by her.
2. Tell her to let me know when we can meet up for a nice friendly coffee as I have suggested.
3. Be true to yourself. See the wicked, mixed up, disturbed person \[me\] is.
4. Look at her genes. What hope is there for you and if you were to have children.
5. You know all I want is to have a nice relationship with my daughter-in-law. This does not have to include Dad at this stage.
6. Please reflect carefully on your life ahead and do not suffer alone.
Love,
Mum"
She says she wants to “move forward,” but in the same email she calls me wicked/disturbed, accuses me of gaslighting, and attacks my genes and future children. I’ve also tried to “move on” many times but she always has a long list of “crimes” than I’ve done (like not put in enough effort) - even though I really tried my best!
So, do I respond or stay NC? I’m so angry I really want to vent but don’t know if that will make the situation worse. My husband is appalled and he defended me over the phone but I don’t know if I should say something too.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Do not break NC. This is what she wants. Also, your husband needs to email her back and very clearly discredit every single one of her bullet points.
I wonder how she would react if you did in fact "unblock her from her emails NOW!" and cheerfully respond to her 'friendly coffee' invite. Except bring DH along to that coffee, and watch her squirm because she can't deliver her long rants about how wicked, mixed up, disturbed, and genetically inferior you are and also has zero intention to be friendly OR mend the past.
You both sitting there with smiles and so so happy she wants a friendly coffee, waiting for her to start the friendly chat. Probably would deliver enough ammo in 5 minutes to go permanently NC, and this time she would know it's on her because you two responded politely to her invite and showed up. (Not actually recommending this, but it would be kind of interesting to watch her reaction).
Nope, she said everything you needed to know right there. Stay NC. Ask DH to refuse to speak about you to her or FIL. Don't give her a time line, ultimatum, or a response. Just keep living your lives as though she doesn't exist.
That's insane. No way would I go for that. "We will not go over the past" means she will not be apologizing or acknowledging her behavior. But I suspect, at some point, you will be expected to apologize for... whatever she thinks you've done.
The more disturbing thing for me is... i don't think you can change her mind about you. She didn't get to "wicked", "gaslighting", and "narcissistic" because of one incident. Those are words you use to describe someone you hate. Which begs the question... how could she want to build and maintain a "friendly" relationship with someone she hates?
This was not a peace offering. She's trying to get close to you to either control you/ your relationship or get some dirt on you to ultimately break you up. What does your husband think of all this?
If she's pushing this hard to meet up with you, it's for a reason--undoubtedly she has a new way to cause you pain. Don't let her do it. Just ignore her.
Stay NC. The amount of times she uses the word friendly makes me want to throw up. Obviously she has ulterior motives aka unfriendly ones. This is not normal and she doesn't mean well. Sane and nice people do not mention at all let alone 15x they mean well...