Stepmom defends boundary-setting after husband’s ex sabotages holiday custody plans. AITA?
"Am I wrong for saying my husband’s kid can’t stay the night with us?"
My husband and I had plans for his kid to come be with us for Christmas. His mother said never mind, I want both of my kids (she just had a baby) this Christmas. We then planned to instead take him from Dec 27th until his winter break was over.
The drive to get him is 6 hours so we were going to meet them halfway. She messaged my husband and said "save your money I don't want to drive halfway you're not getting him the 27th anymore unless you drive the entire way to get him i am not driving with a baby in the car".
I said no, because every time we get his child, or go see him, we drive the whole way to pick him up because there is always some excuse for her to not meet us. There's been times when we went to get him, with plans to meet halfway to bring him back, and the day before she comes up with some reason why she can't. So they can meet us halfway this time. She refused. So that was that.
My husband and I went to a hockey game last Friday. She saw that and messaged him some shit like "if you can go to a hockey game and spend money you can spend money to come get your kid".
I messaged her myself and told her that it was MY money and it was none of her business what I do with my money, and I paid for the game with my work bonus and that it wasn't the money that was the issue, it was the fact that I am done putting more miles on my crappy car.
I have a Kia soul with over 150k miles on it and Kia engines aren’t trustworthy and I still have 10k left to pay on it so I just try to not drive it much. She refuses to meet us halfway as it's her responsibility, too and it isn't just on us.
She came back with some bullshit that her boyfriend spends all of his bonus money on their kid. Great. That's fine. I'm not. I spent $1,000 on his Christmas presents last year.
Fast forward to the night of the 26th. His ex messages him "so are you coming to get him tomorrow?". Huh? Last you said anything you said to save our money because he wasn't coming. So no, not last minute we are not.
Turns out the entire time my husband's mom and my husband's ex had it planned that he was going to be coming up and he WAS going to be dropped off by my husband's ex. For days they had they planned and didn't tell us until the night before.
My husband's mom said she didn't tell us "just in case" he didn't end up coming so they told us less than 24 hours before. We have no money now, no food to feed him, nothing. Now I will add I have autism and BPD, so that really affects how things are when plans are made or changed on me last minute.
I've been in therapy twice a week for a year now so l have gotten better at managing it but this really threw me into an episode. I need time to mentally prepare for stuff like this.
Not only that but if we knew ahead of time, we would we would not have went to a hockey game and would have saved that money so we could buy food and stuff for his child when he is here.
So because of this, I said he cannot spend the night with us and he cannot eat dinner with us and we just simply don't have the money or food for a 13 year old right now.
He can stay at his grandmother's house and she can feed him before he comes over to hang out with us since she wanted to be the one to make these plans and exclude us from it.
I would never tell a child they can't see their parent. A lot of my BPD is due to my father choosing his wife over me and he let her put all of my shit outside while I was at school and I came home to all of my belongings in the front yard and I didn't see my dad for many years because he let her tell him he couldn't.
I will never be that step parent. So I want to preface this by saying I am not doing that but I also feel I need to set boundaries here as well. Not only is it not fair to my husband and I that they did this, it's not far to my husband's child either.
But I do feel guilty saying no. I just feel like my husband’s kid’s mom is looking for reasons to say my husband isn’t trying to be a good dad by saying “well he won’t come get him and he just spends all his time with his wife” when we literally go get him Every. Single. Time.
Even just to see him play his middle school football games we make the drive. This is my first time being with someone who has a kid. I don’t want kids so I typically do not date men with kids.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I mean, I’m far more concerned about your budgeting than anything else you’re saying. The switcheroo, the lack of communication, the last minute ambush- yes, that’s all screwed up. But it’s very concerning that you don’t have enough money for an extra portion of food for one person. Especially when you’re saying you spent $1k on gifts the year before.
I stopped reading at Kia Soul with 150k on the odometer that she owes $10k on. A used Soul with under 50k miles can be easily had for $15k. Owing $10k on an end of life car is baffling.
I am so hoping that this is a rage bait because if it isn't, I can't imagine how hard life is going to be for this kid, having so many AH in his life who prioritize everything else but his well being, stability and happiness.
OP literally says she has trauma from her dad choosing her stepmom and yet she’s refusing to allow her husband’s child to stay with them… It HAS to be rage bait….. right?
Ma’am. You’re not just wrong, you’re a gold medalist in the wrong-ness Olympics. You don’t care about that child. Full stop. You’re allowing your issues with people in his orbit (mom, grandma) to dictate how you treat that child. A healthy grown adult does not do that. It sounds like his step-father is an actual parent and you view him as an inconvenience.
Maybe you would never say a child can’t see his parent, but lady your actions are screaming exactly that. You talked about your dad’s wife taking priority over you as a child. Lady…you’ve become the villain. You are the evil stepmother keeping a child away from his father.