'AITA for saying my friend's family would be better off deceased?'
"AITA for saying my friend's family would be better off deceased?"
My friend Anne and I grew up in very different socioeconomic backgrounds. Her family always struggled with money, and her inheritance will be one property in her native (developing) country, but split between 6 siblings. It’s worth maybe £25k (GBP) for context. On the other hand, I’m an only child in a very small but financially established family.
Anne had made a few comments about this in the past that I found crude. I never mentioned the financial status of my family, but she became generally aware through neutral conversation.
She made comments such as asking specifically what various relatives are leaving me in their wills, if I’m “looking forward to getting it” and when my grandmother (the wealthiest family member) became severely unwell, she brought up inheritance again almost…enthusiastically.
I let it slide despite this disturbing me as on top of my grandmother being so unwell I didn’t want to fall out with friends too. I decided it wasn’t malicious, but simply put it down to our different circumstances.
Hearing her upset someone else with this topic triggered me though. Another friend of hers - Bee, will inherit her father’s property in a nice part of our city when the time comes. I was with Anne when Bee was on the phone mentioning she’s going to visit her father later as he’s not well.
“Ah don’t worry it won’t be for long” says Anne. Bee is obviously confused and Anne clarifies “I mean your father will be gone soon, and then you’ll get the property. He’s really old so it's not for much longer then it's yours!” Bee said nothing and just hung up the phone. Anne attempts to justify what she’s said to me assuming I’ll understand her and feel the same.
I do not. She said it’s selfish that people even make their children and families wait and should hand over inheritance early rather than “making everyone wait for them to pass.” That if there’s no financial benefit coming while they’re alive, then it’s “better” when people’s parents die earlier to inherit from them sooner.
I said by that logic your own family are better off d*ad too. She was confused, and I repeated it. If people have to hand over physical money to earn their right to be considered worth being alive in old age, your own relatives should die quickly so you get your share of their house.
She said she finds this very upsetting, as her family is very close and her inheritance is only small and when she talks about others it’s life changing amounts and more distant families. Obviously we’ve now fallen out and neither of us are changing viewpoints, so AITA for what I said?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
thechaoticstorm wrote:
NTA. Sometimes it takes flipping the situation around on someone for them to see how offensive their comments truly are.
Anne sounds like a sociopath.
OP responded:
I'm inclined to agree with this. Her attitude in general is that she feels she's owed something to make her adult life the opposite of her childhood circumstances, but at the same time has been clear that anything she gains in situations she wants to also use to benefit her family. Which I do believe.
It's just this issue of wanting to gain at the expense of others, and acquire things that either aren't earnt or given legitimately. She kind of projects this belief onto others and seems genuinely unaware that many people don't think this way regardless of their own life situation.
BlondDee1970 wrote:
NTA but the very first time Anne made inheritance comments it should have been shut down. She should have been told immediately that it's an inappropriate topic to discuss.
OP responded:
You're absolutely right. I've never, not once, ever found an issue magically improved by internally stewing and assuming people will realise their own wrongs. It has always escalated. It's far better to deal with an awkward confrontation once than passively allowing someone to keep rubbing me the wrong way.
resdientcaprice wrote:
NTA, Anne is very tactless esp to Bee. If she has no redeeming qualities you're better off distancing from her.
OP responded:
I actually think this is the realisation I've come to. To be honest with you no, it's not a standalone issue it's part of a pattern.
She has often made me feel weird/guilty/uncomfortable about various differences in our lives and there's been a pattern of prodding for info about what I have, what I can do, what I have access to, trying to benefit from these things, and then it becomes a burden. This is kinda the wakeup call comment I needed actually.
Agreeable_dark6408 wrote:
Good for you. NTA. She knows exactly what she has been doing. She thinks she’s way above you and your other friend, and uses this kind of talk to establish a pecking order, with her at the top. Then you turned the tables on her and she doesn’t like it. Don’t fix things with her. You don’t want someone like her in your life. And make sure to tell your other friend what you said to her.
OP responded:
I've felt that at times she weaponises her close family unit for a sense of moral superiority. She's also said in the past that I "don't have a family" just because I don't have siblings, like I'm just some random human being floating the earth.
It's true my family aren't the most physically or emotionally close but she seems to have decided that everyone who doesn't talk to their relatives daily are dysfunctional families who hate each other, unlike her family that has "proper" family values. Yeah, I don't like that at all now I'm actually typing these thoughts out.. I don't think it's worth fixing. Thank you
anxious-tummy wrote:
NTA why is she so obsessed with inheritances? Also, you really got me with the title lol
OP responded:
I've reflected on the friendship, and her attitude towards money has always been...off. In hindsight this inheritance stuff shouldn't have been a surprise and I think there's a lot of truth to when people say "if they say something to you, they'll say it about you" as she had mentioned stuff I found immoral and greedy pertaining to others in the past.
Learnt the hard way I guess. The title is pretty unhinged but I thought meh, just dive in with the nitty gritty lmao.