'AITA for saying my mom is a bad mom and telling her fiancée to shut up?'

"AITA for saying my mom is a bad mom not because she’s lesbian but because she’s just a bad person, and telling her fiancée to shut up?"

Me (16f) and my mom have sort of been arguing a lot lately. She came out about three years ago when my dad caught her cheating on him, and soon moved out and moved in with her now fiancée. I have, admittedly been drawn closer to my dad, and over the last three years I’ve spent more time at his house than at her and fiancées.

Now, the problem. Basically I was really excited because my mom had planned a day for us to go to the aquarium together because recently my friend had passed away, and she said she wanted to cheer me up and have a nice day out just us two.

I'm not particularly fond of fishes or anything but like it sounded fun because I hadn’t had a day out with my mom in ages and I was happy that she was acknowledging I was going thru things and I maybe needed my mom. The plan was to be there during the afternoon then go to dinner, then sleepover at her house.

I got in mom's car when it was time to leave then moms fiancée came to the car telling me to get out the front seat. I’ll be open about the fact that I hate my mom’s fiancée. I do not have respect for her at all which is a part of the reason I'm never with my mom. My mom knows this as I'm really open about it so I think that’s why she didn’t tell me fiancé was coming.

I got pissed and went to get out the car altogether but my mom started yelling and I didn’t have the energy to fight with them so I got in the back. The whole drive was just mom’s fiancée talking about me in front of me. We get to the aquarium and it’s pretty obvious why my mom chose the aquarium. Her fiancée is walking around naming fishes and thanking my mom for taking her.

Then my mom asked where we wanted to eat dinner and I told her I'm not eating dinner or sleeping over, I'm going home, that this whole hangout was to try and force me and the fiancée to be friends and she was treating her more like her kid than me.

My mom got mad and called me homophobic and I need to stop being hateful, that her and her fiancée love each other. Fiancée tried to talk to me, I told her to shut up and no one was talking to her and that she’s not a parent figure to me. Which I get is bad manners and regardless on whether she’s rude, I know not to yell at my elders.

My mom started saying “oh, I'm just such a bad mom then. I guess I’ll just leave and never come back, is that what you want?” Ans whatever. Which just made me angrier.

So I told her I do think she’s a bad mom not because she’s lesbian but because she is just a bad parent in general and is treating her fiancée like a child that needs to be coddled and me like an accessory that she’s forced to talk to sometimes.

They both started yelling and it got embarrassing so I walked off, I know I was being the AH but I started crying and I just called my dad who drove half an hour to come get me. everyone is giving me different opinions and I'm just lost. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

appropriategiraffes wrote:

NTA. I am so sorry about your friend. You are right...your mom is horrible. She knows you don't like her partner, didn't stop her partner from talking about you in front of you and kicking you out of the front seat, and didn't even bother planning something you like for a girls' day.

She's extra horrible for planning a day with you while you are grieving your friend and didn't even tell you that her partner was coming. I have no advice, and I honestly can't think of anything that I could say that would make this bad situation any better for you.

If it's possible, do you think your dad might be able to arrange for you to chat with a therapist? They might be able to help you with everything to do with your mom and friend.

Add on: I just saw that your mother has blocked you...that is honestly shameful of her (in my opinion). Yes, telling anyone to shut up isn't respectful...but you are the kid in this situation, and your mother and her partner need to act like adults, but they aren't.

Your mother needs to get her act together if she wants to maintain a relationship with you...and if you choose never to talk to her again, I wouldn't blame you.

AlarmingEgg2959 wrote:

NTA. I'm so incredibly sorry about your loss 🫂

Your mother sounds toxic. In fact, there's a very specific set of phrases that "narcissistic" parents/people use in order to manipulate you, and "I'm such a bad ______. I can never do anything right!"

Is pretty much the top spot for frequency. If you're on Facebook, there's a few narc/ daughters of toxic parents/ therapists who work with narc parents pages and groups. You might want to look them up.

Naryagenesis wrote:

Your mother cheated. The gender of who she cheated with has no bearing on the story. She blew up her life and yours and is now trying to force a dynamic you are not comfortable with. NTA. Have your dad look into modifying the custody situation if you want. I think with your age your preference will hold water in court.

Casway413 wrote:

NTA, and I say that as a queer person. Your mom is putting her fiancée over you, which is something no mom should ever do. She should have taken you for a day of mom and daughter bonding and comfort, and instead you were put into a bad situation and forced to be nice to someone who hasn’t given you any reason to like them.

Edit to add: I’m sorry about your friend. Going through all of this has to be hard. Take a break from talking to your mom if you need to. Stress and grief don’t mix well.

Sapper12d wrote:

LGBTQ people are perfectly capable of being AHs like everyone else. NTA it seems like your mom needs a wake up call.