'AITA for saying if my wife wants to be a trad wife then she must look her best and wait on me?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for saying if my wife wants to be a trad wife then she must always look her best, wait on me, and provide s#$ without question when asked?"
I’m 35 and my wife is 40. We’ve been together 15 years. The last couple of years she’s really fell down the trad wife blackhole and it’s driving me crazy. At first it started off with her saying she doesn’t want to work anymore and lately it has escalated to saying men who make their wives work are ab#$ive.
We both have well paid jobs. I’m a self-employed builder with a team and earn around £100k a year. She works in management for the NHS and earns around £50k a year. We both work (I guess I should say worked for her) really hard and have no kids and three years ago managed to pay our mortgage off and lived in a nice enough area where I would have happily stayed forever.
She however suddenly wanted a massive house that we didn’t need. I should have saw what was coming. She was looking at £700k houses which would require a mortgage of £500k after we sold our house. I gave in and we bought a house. She then wanted a new car which again I caved to and she got a car that is worth more than she earns a year. She then decided she didn’t want to work anymore.
She said her job was crap and I said take a lower paid one then that you’ll enjoy more. She said no. She just doesn’t want to work full stop. She also doesn’t want to give up anything she has. Over the past couple of years it has been obvious she is trying to lose her job without leaving despite me saying that I can’t afford the house and car and holidays on my own.
She started bringing this trad wife crap up but said she’d want to hire a cleaner as the house is too big for her to clean alone and she prefers my cooking to hers so I’ll still do all the cooking! So I said you basically want to dress up pretty and bake the odd cake. She stormed off and said I don’t get it.
She again brought it up yesterday and I said fine she can do it but she’s got to get up before me and make sure my breakfast is ready like in the videos she watches. she’s got to be dressed as a sexy version of a 50s housewife like in the videos she watches from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them.
The house must be spotless at all times like in the videos she watches. I want huge packed lunches for work like in the videos she watches. I want to come home and have beautiful pies and cakes ready for pudding like in the videos she watches. I want a bath ran for when I get in and then come down to a proper meal every night like in the videos she watches.
I then want a foot rub while I eat the cakes and pies she makes like in the videos she watches. I also want sex on demand, how I want it when I want it, like in the videos she watches. She called me a#$sive, a user, s#$ist etc and stormed out to her equally delusional sisters house (don’t get me started on her). I’ll be honest I’m ready for divorce if this carries on. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
PomegranateNo9003 wrote:
At least you don't have kids, so divorce is easier. Probably best to do it while you're both still earning well so there's no question of alimony. Forgot to add, obviously NTA. In a traditional household women don't make no contribution, their contribution is through domestic labour, while men provide financial value by going out and working.
Her contribution would already be far below average given that the bulk of the traditional wife's time is spent on children. She wants to make no contribution, and is disguising it as "trad wife."
Casual-J wrote:
Get the divorce, mate. It’ll be cheaper and less stressful than dealing with a crazy wife every minute of the day and night. It’s not about the ’tradwife’ lifestyle, she simply doesn’t want to work.
She merely wants to sit on her backside, enjoy the things she has badgered you into paying for, and do nothing. There is a lot of this kind of crazy going around. It won’t get any better either. What will it be next? Vacations on the French Riviera? A bigger, nicer, (more expensive) car? The list goes on and on.
OP responded:
I am leaning this way mate. I think a divorce is more likely than anything else at this moment in time. Luckily she’s afraid of flying so I’ve managed to avoid the expensive holidays apart from the odd Eurostar trip to Paris. She’s makes me feel like a ten pound millionaire though trying to be something we aren’t. I know we are better off than most but we don’t earn footballers money which is what I think she aspires to.
JediFed wrote:
You were crazy to agree to the 700k house. You'll be ok, but it makes things so much tougher. If she wanted that, why not save up with the old house and then work up to the new one and both of you work together?
OP responded:
That’s what I suggested. With my job we could have bought a cheap house, done it up and made some money and then moved upwards slowly and stayed debt free. I have modified our house a bit and it’s probably worth £800k now but it’s still not a nice feeling having such a big mortgage and knowing she wants me to cover it alone.
Annika_Desai wrote:
Dude, divorce her if she doesn't act normal. You sound like such a catch! Like, I don't like rushing with divorce, maybe marriage councilling first? But you have no kids, so you can easily split without drama. Be assertive, say no, say what you expect and that you want to split if she doesn't go back to how she was. Say she has x amount of time (up to you: 1 month? 2?).
OP responded:
Haha I don’t know about a catch. I’ve asked for couples counselling numerous times. She’s not interested.
TaxiLady69 wrote:
Now is the time to say couples counseling or divorce. Your choice, honey.
Five days later, OP shared an update.
I’d like to answer a few questions from my first post before an update. No my requests were not serious and I can’t believe how many people thought they were. It was me trying to prove a point of how ridiculous she is being. Like I said in the comments I don’t want a maid or a slave I want a partner.
Before my wife got on this train she was a very ambitious, career driven person who wanted to climb to the top. She was never really on social media until the pandemic. The trad wife thing started a couple of years ago. A lot of people suggested couples counseling. I’ve asked many times and always get the same response “I don’t need counseling there’s nothing wrong with me."
On to the update. We spoke Saturday morning and I told her that I can’t go on like this. I said to her bluntly the trad wife thing is never happening and she either accepts it and we go to couples counseling or we split up.
I’m don’t dancing around her bulls#$t. She chose to split up. I asked her if she even really wanted to be a trad wife or if she’s just trying to force me away, like she’s trying to force her job to sack her because she doesn’t have the balls to quit herself.
She said yes she does and there’s plenty of dating sites that cater to this dynamic. I told her I’d seen them and they are more sugar daddy dynamics and without being horrible she’s too old for that. This set her off. She said I’m wrong and that I’m the one who can’t support my wife so I’m the bad one in the marriage and a real man would be able to give her the life she wants.
She was shouting and screaming this at the top of her lungs. It’s about the only time I’ve been glad to be in our new house so the neighbours didn’t hear. I got a bit petty at the real man comment and said “you can’t cook, you can’t clean and you don’t have sex, what part of being a trad wife do you offer?”
I then stole a comment from my last post and said she doesn’t want to be a trad wife she wants to be a trophy wife. She just said I’m unbelievable and has gone to her sisters again. I’m going to take the next couple of weeks and start talking to a divorce lawyer to see what this entails. Then once this ball has got rolling I’m f#$king off to Portugal for a couple of weeks to myself.
The comments kept coming.
ZealousidealGroup559 wrote:
She's 40 and in the UK where there isn't a Conservative tradwife/trophy wife culture. She's going to be divorced and on benefits in a sh#$ty bedsit. Take care of yourself OP, because she's intent on blowing up her life for some reason.
Harvard_Diplomat wrote:
“You can’t cook, you can’t clean and you don’t have sex, what part of being a trad wife do you offer?”
LMAO. That is some serious burn!
Ok_Young1709 wrote:
And totally correct, she offers f#$k all. She will be at her sister's for a LONG time. Wonder if the poor sister knows this.
TheFlyingSheeps wrote:
Yeah not to be mean but rich sugar daddy men aren’t lining up for a 40-year-old.
mayd3r wrote:
She wants to be a sugar baby at 40? Good luck with that 😂��.
rainfal wrote:
Also without s#x.
Plus_Ad_9181 wrote:
Sooo just a baby?
A few months later, OP shared another update.
I’m 35 my ex wife is 40 and we have no kids. About two and a half months ago I posted about my wife leaving me because I refused to live the tradwife lifestyle. In my original post I mentioned the big house and car she got me in debt for over half a million pounds and then decided she didn’t want to work anymore.
Starting with the car. After she left I took half our savings and half the money in our joint account and put it in my own bank account. I told her to take the rest (around £60k) and she can either pay off the car with the money or keep the money and I’ll take the car back as it’s in my name. She said neither she’s keeping both.
This has been a struggle that ended with me having to ring the p*lice to assist me in taking the car back. I got there and the police were already there. My ex was crying, the two p0lice officers looked at me like I was a piece of s#$t, my sister in law was shouting “yeah take her independence and go back to your mansion while she sleeps in the spare room” the neighbours were all out looking.
I very nearly caved and told her to just keep it but it’s £1.5k a month I can’t warrant. I took it, sold it, and had to pay £12000 difference in what I owed on it. I’ll be honest I was expecting worse.
Now the house. We paid £700k for it with 200 down. I’ve spent about 100 on it doing it up and when I got valued I was pleasantly surprised at £1m and even more surprised that within two weeks of it going on the market it’s sold to one of my neighbours! A lovely Indian family who had asked me to work on their house but they said it’s just easier to move in to mine!
They do however want me to build a granny annexe on the side once they’ve completed the purchase. That’ll be another couple of months yet but we’ll both walk away with around £250k each and I’ll be looking to buy a house for around £200k so I’ll be back to mortgage free and debt free in a couple of months!
On to my wife. She’s still living at her sisters and as far as I’m aware hasn’t found anyone who wants a 40 year old tradwife who doesn’t cook, clean, or have sex. She has asked me back twice but I’ve said no. One was a dr*nken proposition the other one more heartfelt. It’s too late now though.
We’ve already started the divorce proceedings and that should be done early next year. All I’ve been doing is working and plodding along. Nothing else I really can do. I thought I’d update because I still get 10-20 messages a week asking how I’m doing and I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.
The internet commenters kept their thoughts coming.
revanchisto wrote:
The best update to read under the circumstances. She really deluded herself into blowing up her life.
Ok_Stable7501 wrote:
She has no one to blame but herself. And maybe TikTok. Good for you! Better luck next wife.
budgetcontract3193 wrote:
Don’t take her back. How delusional is she?? Split up a marriage over this?
P.S. Love your burn. 🔥 “you can’t cook, you can’t clean and you don’t have s*x, what part of being a trad wife do you offer?”
OP responded:
I’ll be honest it was a rehearsed line lol
Corschach wrote:
OP, at a certain point this woman is going to try to weasel her way back in to your life. She may claim she's changed back into her old self, she may claim she realises she was wrong. At the end of the day, this woman has a parasite mentality.
She is going to get sick of the fact that she can't find a willing host as soon as she thought she would and is going to try to come back to you. When that time comes, have some self-respect and say no.