'AITA for saying no to hosting my sister-in-law and her additional needs kid overnight again?'
"AITA for saying no to hosting my SIL and her additional needs kid overnight again?"
A few months ago my sister and law and her daughter who is 3 came to stay with us for nearly a week because she is getting assessed for autism in our state. I had suggested to my partner that they stay in a hotel, even offered that we cover the costs because my SIL is what I could only call a free range mom. She is struggling and is likely trying to do whatever will make the day go by.
Anyway they visited and we have a 4 year old son. He has his routines, we have our rules at home, aside from our weekly movie night he doesn’t access any other screen time and doesn’t have a personal device. My SIL’s kid was glued to her iPad the entire time, volume on loud and if my SIL tried lowering the volume the kid would start screaming, it seems that the SIL never actually carried through with it.
We tried to be accommodating, she sat at the dinner table with us for dinner on her iPad our son was very curious and at first we were like this is a good opportunity for him to understand some people do things differently for whatever reason.
But by day three, it was clear that this wasn’t just about the kid getting used to a different environment, it was full-blown chaos. Constant screaming and banging well into the night, the iPad on loud until nighttime too. It kept everyone up.
We have a large 5 bedroom home and we all stayed up because of it including our son who could not sleep until he asked to stay in our room. I occasionally WFH but just couldn't and had to leave.
The lack of boundaries extended to other areas too. My SIL would say she was stepping out for a walk and be gone for hours, leaving her daughter with us with no heads up or prep. And I want to be clear, I have so much empathy. I know parenting a child with additional needs is exhausting.
I know she likely never gets a break. But I didn’t sign up to be free childcare, especially when we were already hosting them, driving them around, buying a lot of additional frozen food and snacks that we never keep at home so that the daughter could eat. All while trying to maintain some structure for our own kid.
My partner and I argued about it afterward. He felt I was being too harsh, I said, if they need to come again for another assessment, we either book and pay for a hotel if they really can’t afford it or set very clear boundaries about what kind of help we’re able to offer, and stick to them.
Now my SIL needs to come to our state again and has asked to stay for the few days she is here. My partner thinks I’m being unkind and unsupportive, but I honestly think we did everything we could last time and hosting again is just too stressful. So I said no. AITA for saying no to hosting them overnight again?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Drearydreamy said:
Take your kid and stay in the hotel for a vacation. Husband can get to know his niece better.
Wonderful_Horror7315 said:
Take your son and go have a staycation at a hotel. Let your husband deal with it. All of it. Like, the house needs to look the same as you left it. NTA.
tarnishau14 said:
NTA. If your husband is not going to support you, rent an Airbnb for you and your son. He needs to be inconvenienced by the sister-in-law's visit.
SpillingBlackInk said:
NTA. But maybe leave and use that hotel room for yourself and your kid. Your partner can stay at home and host.
TheRoadkillRapunzel said:
NTA. Can you stay with friends or relatives on a “visit” with your kid while they’re there? Let your husband deal with them on his own if he wants to, but you should opt out if he’s going to insist on hosting them.
small-black-cat-290 said:
NTA, but have either of you communicated with your SIL about the impact the last stay had on your family? I'm curious about whether she is even aware. She may not like hearing it, but I feel like you have some valid points - i.e. the disruption to your/your child's schedule, the free childcare, the food, etc.
But you have a right to your peace and aren't under any obligation to host anyone who causes chaos in your household.