'AITA for saying no to helping my wife after she asked for a divorce?' UPDATED
"AITA for saying no to helping my wife after she asked for a divorce?"
My wife (28) has very clearly and repeatedly said to me (39) she wants a divorce, not a separation. She’s been firm about that and has also said she wants to establish boundaries between us.
Recently, she asked me to call her bank and her car dealership on her behalf regarding an issue with her auto loan and lien paperwork. She’s currently overseas for the Army (Europe) and turned off her U.S. phone plan, so she said it would be easier if I handled the calls.
I realized I felt uncomfortable being asked to handle this. We’re not together, and making calls about her banking and car loan feels like a spouse-level responsibility that I don’t feel okay taking on anymore. I told her honestly that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it.
She got upset and said things like:
“You can’t make a simple call to help me save money?”
“Your help is always based on what you can get.”
“I’ll just figure out my life on my own.”
That made me second-guess myself. I’m not refusing out of spite, and I wouldn’t care if she asked other friends or family for help. I just don’t feel comfortable being the one to do it anymore, and I don’t want to stay in a caretaker/fixer role when we’re separated. I ended the conversation calmly and didn’t argue, but now I keep wondering if I’m being selfish or if this is a reasonable boundary. AITA?
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
Before anything else, I want to say this clearly: I made serious mistakes. I am not proud of them, and I take responsibility for the harm I caused. This is not me trying to excuse anything. This is me finally telling the entire story instead of fragments.
I met her through Facebook Dating. At the time, I was about 36 years old and intentionally looking for someone mature enough to build a family with. Her profile listed her as older than she actually was; I later learned she was younger than what was shown. I wasn’t specifically seeking someone young, but we connected, and I continued talking to her.
At that point in my life, I was coming out of a breakup, grieving my father’s death, working two jobs, and emotionally exhausted. I was lonely, overwhelmed, and trying to do better than I had in previous relationships. When she spoke about wanting children and a future, that aligned with what I wanted too, and things moved forward quickly.
Early on, there were boundary issues that made me uncomfortable. One of the first was when I took a nap and woke up to find that she had gone through my phone—reading old messages from before I even knew her—and mocking me for my past. I told her directly that this crossed a line for me. Instead of acknowledging that, she became defensive. That was the first time I felt a lack of mutual respect.
As time went on, that dynamic didn’t improve. I was working constantly, emotionally drained, and struggling to keep everything together. Instead of support, I was frequently spoken to in a way that felt demeaning—comments about my age, my income, my cleanliness, and comparisons to men she had dated in the past who had more money or status.
I repeatedly expressed that I didn’t like being spoken to that way, and it continued. I didn’t handle this well. I internalized everything instead of stepping away. I became reactive.
At one point, I lashed out by striking a wall—not at her—but that moment alone should have been a sign that I needed to leave the relationship entirely instead of trying to push through something unhealthy.
When I found out she was pregnant, I felt trapped between wanting to do the “right thing” and knowing the relationship itself was already unstable. I stayed when I should have been honest and walked away.
Eventually, I cheated. That was wrong. There’s no justification for it. It didn’t come from confidence or happiness—it came from avoidance, resentment, and not having the courage to end the relationship honestly when I should have.
She went through my phone again, discovered the cheating, and that same night she slept with her ex. After that, she continued seeing other men. Despite this, I was consistently labeled as the sole betrayer, as if accountability only applied in one direction. That made reconciliation impossible, because responsibility was never mutual.
I’m not sharing this to attack her, and I’m not trying to erase my own wrongdoing. I’m sharing this because the relationship was unhealthy long before the worst moments happened, and because I failed to leave when I should have.
What I regret most isn’t just the mistakes I made—it’s not walking away earlier, not choosing honesty, and letting things escalate instead of ending something that was clearly damaging to both of us. I’m posting this for clarity and accountability, not to argue, not to convince anyone, and not to go back and forth. This is my full perspective, and I’m owning my part in it.
There’s another important piece of context I haven’t mentioned. Early on, I found out that she did not have permanent legal status and that her visa had expired. I want to be clear: this was not something she pressured me about, nor was it presented as a transaction.
At that time, I was in a very vulnerable place emotionally. I had just lost my father, my home was in disarray, and I was struggling to function day to day. She helped me during that period, around the house, emotionally, and I genuinely felt grateful for that support.
Out of love, appreciation, and a belief that we were building a family, I made the decision to marry her. In my mind, it was an act of commitment and care, not obligation. Looking back, I can see that I also expected mutual appreciation, respect, and emotional consideration in return, and when that didn’t happen, resentment quietly began to build.
I now recognize that making such a major life decision while emotionally vulnerable, grieving, and under pressure was a mistake on my part. I should have slowed down instead of believing that commitment alone would stabilize a relationship that already had unresolved issues.
The OP then returned with a final update.
As time went on after our child was born, the situation at home became more volatile. She was dealing with what may have been postpartum-related stress, frustration about finances, and resentment toward me for not handling things the way she wanted, including budgeting and long-term planning. Instead of addressing these issues together, conflict became the default.
Around this time, there were repeated issues with neighbors across the street related to our dog barking. I tried to de-escalate the situation and encouraged ignoring them rather than engaging. She felt they were bullying her and believed the correct response was to confront them aggressively. This led to verbal altercations, yelling, and escalating hostility.
I told her repeatedly that initiating conflict with neighbors would only make things worse. She made it clear she didn’t care, and situations escalated to the point where police were called to our home because of confrontations she initiated. This created constant tension and instability inside the household.
Inside the relationship, things continued to deteriorate. I was being called names, mocked, and verbally torn down about my age, my income, my mistakes, and especially my infidelity.
At the same time, when I pointed out that she was also seeing other people, I was told I was playing the victim. Accountability felt one-sided, and every attempt to address the hypocrisy turned into another argument.
What made this even more disturbing is that this level of conflict was happening in front of our two-year-old child. The environment became toxic, loud, and emotionally unsafe.
I fully acknowledge that I also crossed lines. As the pressure built, I became verbally abusive myself, something I deeply regret. That behavior was wrong, regardless of the circumstances.
Eventually, she decided she wanted to leave and start a new life. She chose to join the Army as a way to create distance, gain independence, and relocate. By that point, she was not working, and I was covering all household expenses.
Despite that, I continued to be spoken to with disrespect and contempt while trying, imperfectly, to keep the household functioning. I am not saying I was flawless or that I handled everything well. I’m saying that the situation had become unsustainable, mutually damaging, and emotionally corrosive.
What started as stress and resentment turned into constant conflict, and instead of separation happening early and cleanly, it happened after far too much damage had already been done.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Totally reasonable boundary. She wants out, so she can't expect you to be on standby for things like this. In actuality, if you don't have kids, she has no reason to call you, nor you to answer. Period. She wants freedom, she got it, but it comes with her now being responsible for herself, by herself. You are out of the picture, especially if it is painful for you.
"I'll just figure out my life on my own."
Yes. That's what divorce means. You're no longer in a partnership with the other person. She wants to eat her cake and have it. NTA. Would have said she was also not an AH until she decided to guilt trip you when you said a perfectly reasonable no.
NTA. If she wanted a divorce so badly, she should be prepared to be independent.
So... you cheat on her. She tries to reconcile for 2 years, decides she can't, and you "don't feel comfortable" doing her an easy favor while she is deployed? Yeah bud, YTA. Don't pretend you aren't being petty you blew up your relationship and now you're pouting because of consequences.
Grow up dude. Take accountability, accept that the divorce is on you and help her out. Just because you're getting divorced doesn't mean you gotta be a jerk. Seriously, you're pretty pathetic.
YTA. You cheated on her, you broke her trust and ruined your marriage. The least you could do is make her life a little easier after shattering it. But considering you cheated in the first place and have come to reddit with half-truths for sympathy, I know you wont. She made the right choice to divorce, you're a selfish AH. Wishing her all the best in her new life away from you 🫶❤️