'AITA for saying no to my future MIL's plan to give my fiancé away at our wedding?'
"AITA for saying no to my future MIL's plan to give my fiancé away at our wedding?"
Evan (31)M and I (28))F are getting married in five weeks and a disagreement with my future mother-in-law has suddenly turned my wedding planning into an ideological debate.
She is a lifelong feminist and a single mother who raised Evan entirely on her own. She believes that because fathers traditionally give away daughters, she should be able to give her son away as an equal feminist gesture.
Her plan is to walk my fiancé down the aisle while I stand at the altar, (yes, I’m supposed to watch HIM walk down the aisle!) give a short speech about raising him, present him with a ring and then place his hand into mine before the ceremony begins.
I understand the argument intellectually. In fact, one of the main reason that I fell in love with Evan is for his ability to never diminish me, to listen to my opinion and to treat me as an intellectual equal.
But I always assumed that I would walk down the aisle to him. I’ve always seen this as romantic and a given. She says my father can still walk me down the aisle first just as usual, but I would be walking to a lonely officiant!
When I said no, she accused me of being Not a Feminist and then anti- feminist! My fiancé understands both sides. He thinks it is reasonable and that things in the world have changed. His family thinks I am overreacting! I am not canceling the wedding. I'm only refusing this specific request. So, am I the AH???
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Why can't she walk him down the aisle first, then you walk with your dad? NTA.
That’s nice. But no speech from MIL during the ceremony. Fathers don’t do that, neither should she.
Agree. Hard pass on making your guests listen to her give a speech at that moment. That is not about celebrating her son or the marriage, it comes off like she just wants to be center attention for some reason.
She not being feminist, she's being a narcissist.
As a feminist, your future MIL will undoubtedly agree, that it is every woman’s right to make the required decisions (together with her future husband) about her own wedding without outside interference.
Tell her to respect your boundaries, not to impose her will on you and her son, and to respectfully wait with her opinions until asked. It is you guys’ wedding, not hers.
At my nephew's wedding he walked in with his parents, then the bride walked in with her parents. The parents sat down, the couple joined each other in front of the officiant, the best man and MOH had the rings. This worked fine. No one made weird speeches, and it was the couple's decision to do it this way.
NTA it's your wedding, you have to love your day. I don't know where you live but at least in Northern Europe it's quite common nowadays that the couple walks down the aisle together, have you considered doing that? Because the couple took the decision to get married, parents don't give their kids away anymore. Maybe that might be an option?
This is NOT feminism. This is a toxic "boy-mom" plain and simple as that.
No, that’s crazy. It’s not her wedding. She doesn’t make decisions like this. If she wants to coordinate this weird walk, she can do it at her own wedding. NTA. Also, if you let her have this she will walk all over the rest of your wife. She will overrule parenting choices, she will be on every vacation, she has to be stopped now.
Well if your father is giving you away and his mother is giving him away, that seems super sweet and fair. Can you have her walk him down the aisle first, and then you can walk second, to him, like you planned? Then both of you can be given away by your parents and you can still walk down the aisle to him like you always wanted to.
you're NTA. Your fiance' needs to tell her no, and that he's uncomfortable with it because you're uncomfortable with it. Let her give her speech about raising him as a single mom at the reception. She's trying to hijack your day.
NTA. Her wanting to walk him down the aisle would be fine, if he agrees. Her changing the entire plan of your ceremony is way out of bounds and has nothing to do with feminism.
She's asking to do way more than what I have ever seen a bride's dad/parents do at a wedding ceremony. I have certainly never seen a bride's dad give a speech during the ceremony.
Part of feminism is that a woman gets to choose what happens at her own wedding! Literally instead of being forced by the groom's family to submit to what they want.
Another part of feminism is to not crash out on the woman who chooses a different path than you think they should -- or label her less of a feminist. SAHM vs career path, single mom vs married, no kids vs 5 kids -- or choosing to have your groom at the altar -- you get to choose your path.
NOR. It is not you future MIL’s wedding and it is not his family’s wedding. It is yours and your fiance’s wedding. If you two cannot agree on what should happen then it should happen. Period. What is your fiancé saying to this? You may want to postpone the wedding and seek Couples Therapy. But this is going to be your life if you marry the man.
You know what would be feminist? Not having anyone give anyone away to anyone. The whole thing with the father of the bride giving her away in marriage to the groom was more about patriarchal ownership over the bride and the transfer of it to another man, the groom, than some touching gesture.
True feminism would be not treating anyone, man or woman, as an object that you have some ownership over and which can be transferred to someone else.