'AITA for saying no to my future MIL's plan to give my fiancé away at our wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA for saying no to my future MIL's plan to give my fiancé away at our wedding?"
Evan (31)M and I (28))F are getting married in five weeks and a disagreement with my future mother-in-law has suddenly turned my wedding planning into an ideological debate.
She is a lifelong feminist and a single mother who raised Evan entirely on her own. She believes that because fathers traditionally give away daughters, she should be able to give her son away as an equal feminist gesture.
Her plan is to walk my fiancé down the aisle while I stand at the altar, (yes, I’m supposed to watch HIM walk down the aisle!) give a short speech about raising him, present him with a ring and then place his hand into mine before the ceremony begins.
I understand the argument intellectually. In fact, one of the main reason that I fell in love with Evan is for his ability to never diminish me, to listen to my opinion and to treat me as an intellectual equal.
But I always assumed that I would walk down the aisle to him. I’ve always seen this as romantic and a given. She says my father can still walk me down the aisle first just as usual, but I would be walking to a lonely officiant!
When I said no, she accused me of being Not a Feminist and then anti- feminist! My fiancé understands both sides. He thinks it is reasonable and that things in the world have changed. His family thinks I am overreacting! I am not canceling the wedding. I'm only refusing this specific request. So, am I the AH???
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Why can't she walk him down the aisle first, then you walk with your dad? NTA.
As a feminist, your future MIL will undoubtedly agree, that it is every woman’s right to make the required decisions (together with her future husband) about her own wedding without outside interference.
Tell her to respect your boundaries, not to impose her will on you and her son, and to respectfully wait with her opinions until asked. It is you guys’ wedding, not hers.
No, that’s crazy. It’s not her wedding. She doesn’t make decisions like this. If she wants to coordinate this weird walk, she can do it at her own wedding. NTA. Also, if you let her have this she will walk all over the rest of your wife. She will overrule parenting choices, she will be on every vacation, she has to be stopped now.
Well if your father is giving you away and his mother is giving him away, that seems super sweet and fair. Can you have her walk him down the aisle first, and then you can walk second, to him, like you planned? Then both of you can be given away by your parents and you can still walk down the aisle to him like you always wanted to.
NTA. Her wanting to walk him down the aisle would be fine, if he agrees. Her changing the entire plan of your ceremony is way out of bounds and has nothing to do with feminism.
She's asking to do way more than what I have ever seen a bride's dad/parents do at a wedding ceremony. I have certainly never seen a bride's dad give a speech during the ceremony.
You know what would be feminist? Not having anyone give anyone away to anyone. The whole thing with the father of the bride giving her away in marriage to the groom was more about patriarchal ownership over the bride and the transfer of it to another man, the groom, than some touching gesture.
True feminism would be not treating anyone, man or woman, as an object that you have some ownership over and which can be transferred to someone else.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi everyone, I wanted to come back and respond after taking some time to read the comments and really think things through. I shared the post with Evan and he was amazed at all of the responses and the time people had taken to really help us.
First, this is actually happening to me or I should say to us. This is not hypothetical or exaggerated, and it’s honestly nothing I ever imagined I would be happening while planning a wedding. I’ve been pretty flabbergasted by her asks, even though I understand where they are coming from emotionally.
For some added context, my future mother in law is a very successful doctor and has contributed a significant amount of money toward the wedding. Because of that, she feels strongly that she deserves a “special moment” during the ceremony. I think the “strings attached” has made this more complicated than it otherwise would be.
Throughout all of this, I’ve made a conscious effort to stay calm and collected. I pride myself on being empathetic and understanding while still being firm in my own boundaries.
I explained to Evan that I have always imagined walking down the aisle and seeing his first reaction to me, the look on his face, and the emotion in that moment. I think a lot of women can relate to that. He immediately understood and validated that feeling.
He also shared something important with me, which is that he has never really been in a position to disagree with his mother on something this meaningful, especially given how much she is contributing.
That helped me see that this wasn’t just awkward for me, but genuinely difficult for him as well. He agreed that a speech was not something we wanted and was fine at the reception (Lord, help me!)
So we decided to approach this as a unit instead of leaving him to navigate it alone. (Thanks to some helpful advice given in the comments.) Together, we explained that a speech was NOT what we wanted during the ceremony and that a ring wouldn’t work in the long run, since he will already be wearing his wedding ring and doesn’t expect to wear additional rings after the wedding.
Instead, we suggested a watch that he could wear for the ceremony and enjoy after. Evan loved this idea (he had one in mind he wanted) He also proposed that they make a day of it together beforehand, just the two of them, to choose the watch and spend time together. That part felt meaningful without overlapping into the ceremony itself.
The compromise we landed on is that she can walk him down the aisle, they can share a kiss, and then she can be seated in the first row. Instead of asking “who gives this woman? The officiant will ask, “Who lovingly raised this woman and this man,” and both of our parents will stand and answer. Which she agreed is fair.
We are hoping and praying she sticks to these boundaries. I’ll admit I’m still a little nervous about a speech she might try to add, but for now we feel okay with where things landed.
She will be wearing a powder blue outfit, which I’m completely fine with, and thankfully not white. We also decided to have a non-traditional officiant, a female justice of the peace, which feels very fitting for us.
Surprisingly, she was agreeable to all of this and ultimately decided on the watch. Evan and I are extremely relieved and feel ready to continue planning our special day. I’m so excited.
I just want to sincerely thank everyone for their amazing suggestions and insight. Reading through your comments really helped us navigate this incredibly touchy subject with my future mother in law and feel more confident about holding boundaries while still being respectful. It truly helped more than you know.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I hope it turns out beautiful and peaceful for you 💕
“Who lovingly raised this woman and this man?"
I just love this as an alternative to treating the bride as property.
Lol giving away a child at a wedding is in no way a feminist idea, even if you reverse the gender. The practice is rooted in the idea that women were property to be given from the father (or other male head of the household) to the new husband who now basically owned her. The feminist stance would be to do away with that concept entirely.