'AITA for saying 'there goes the neighborhood' to my new neighbors without giving them context?' UPDATED

"AITA for saying 'there goes the neighborhood' to my new Middle Eastern neighbors?"

The m#th heads who lived next door disappeared some time a few months ago and I came home from work Friday to see new people moving their things in. My wife and I walked over to say hello and I jokingly said as we walked up “well there goes the neighborhood.” They kinda laughed, but admittedly awkwardly and we introduced ourselves and they introduced themselves and etc etc.

They were very nice, but when we mentioned we often have barbecues and a few of the neighbors join us, they seemed to make excuses for why they probably wouldn’t be able to make it. No big deal. We came home and as soon as we were in the door, my wife rounded on me saying how f-ed up it was that I said “there goes the neighborhood because they are Middle Eastern people!”

It honestly never even entered my mind what race they were except maybe in a passing thought. We live in a very diverse city with a lot of Hispanic and middle eastern people, (but admittedly a kinda white neighborhood) and they just seemed like people moving in next door.

The whole joke stemmed from the fact that the people who lived there before were crazy and on d#$gs and hom0phobic (they told us all about it) and the new people seemed like a normal family. I didn’t end up mentioning this to the new neighbors though, but only because I didn’t want to seem like I was talking about people behind their backs.

I still think without the context, the joke was fine, but my wife is insisting that it was distasteful and racist and makes me look like the racist white guy next door. I think she’s being way too sensitive and she’s the one who is singling out people by even imagining they would be offended by it. So AITA for saying “There goes the neighborhood” to the Middle Eastern family moving in next door?

Edit: I should also add that my wife thinks naming the WiFi “pretty fly for a wifi” is racist, so I think she’s hypersensitive, but well intentioned.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

inevitablegirlie wrote:

YTA. Without context, it's difficult to see how they would have interpreted that as anything other than a shot at them.

OP responded:

Should I try to explain or is the damage done? I seriously never meant it bad. It’s been a relief to see some normal people next door and I don’t want them to feel about us the way we felt about the crazy people who lived there before.

inevitablegirlie wrote:

I think you absolutely should explain it. I'm sure they'll feel better about you if you do.

OP responded:

I will do that. Let’s just hope the explanation doesn’t also go off the rails with my awkward attempts at humor.

StrongWithin76 wrote:

YTA.

Honestly, that's a strange thing to say to a neighbor when you meet for the first time. I understand why they would be apprehensive.

OP responded:

I often make uncomfortable and stupid jokes. I’m a little awkward. I think it’s from an old stupid 80s or 90s movie though.

hsksksjejej wrote:

Dude a joke with no context is not a joke it's just a random rude comment.

OP responded:

There’s a fine line between a rude comment and a bad joke, but there is a line. If you look really, really closely at the line it has a tiny little word, “intent.” It’s hard to see though and that’s why after about the 15th bad joke, you retire from comedy and resort to only joking with your kids and that is the genesis of the “Dad Joke.”

sayubuntu wrote:

YTA. You made a racist joke that has some convoluted “in” meaning that for starters even when you explain it doesn’t make sense (your sh#$ty neighbors left, new ones come in, sooo...what? This old racist cliche doesn’t work even as an in-joke...)

And beyond that you didn’t even try to give your new neighbors the background info to understand why your comment was really just a dumb comment, you just let them think you intended the blatant r@cist thing...

OP responded:

To be clear, I never even really considered the joke as racially charged. It was an old dumb 90s movie about criminals moving in next door. I never even considered it being used that way until my wife pointed it out.

I researched it a little and while it didn’t originate as a racist sentiment (just general hatred of newcomers and other white people (the Irish) it was definitely co-opted by the people who opposed desegregation and I therefore fully agree with you. But it didn’t have anything to do with race as I said it in my mind-but that’s not really what counts so I have to try to make it right.

KaanBickin wrote:

YTA. But I get the joke, and it was not a shot at them, but they couldn't have known. Give them a round of cookies or something and apologize for any misunderstanding there may have been, and get on with being good neighbors. Take care :)

OP responded:

Thanks friend. I will do that. I think I’ll have to explain the crazy ex-neighbors too. Within 10 minutes of meeting us they told us to stay out of (nearby town) because it’s the “homo capitol of the world.” My theory is that they met their first gay person in this city and their tiny little fried brains couldn’t cope.

They had what looked like 20 adults living in a house with one little old lady and none of them ever worked. Strange men would just pop up in the yard when my wife was outside alone with the dog and try to bum cigarette money. And we constantly found empty liquor bottles behind the house where people were obviously lounging in the dark.

I’m not normally judgmental about how people live their lives, but they made it hard not to frown at them and they made my wife and kids feel unsafe. I felt bad for one of them once and paid him to do some odd jobs for me. He took the money, ran home to get his phone, and then never came back.

Then one day there were no lights on in the place and we haven’t seen them since. So it was a relief to see a nice family move in and that’s where my stupid joke originated. I suppose I should have explained about the other people but it didn’t seem to suit the conversation and I didn’t know at that moment what I had even done.

The next day, OP jumped on with an update.

Update: I walked across the street to talk to the neighbors when I took my wife’s embarrassing poofy dog out tonight. I made an attempt to explain the joke...I shouldn’t have. This is roughly the conversation. “So I just wanted to make sure you guys didn’t take offense to the dumb joke I made the other day.”

He looked a little puzzled. “I said ‘there goes the neighborhood’ jokingly like you guys were ruining the neighborhood by moving in but what I really meant was that you guys were making the neighborhood better because the people who lived here before were a little scary.

I really just wanted to make sure you knew the joke didn’t have anything at all to do with you guys being Muslim.” To which he replied “We are not Muslim. We are Roman Catholic and I didn’t hear any joke.” It took all my willpower to not bust out laughing which would have made me look more like a lunatic.

I said “sorry” again though I don’t know what I was even apologizing for at that point and he said something like “no problem” or “no worries” and then I scurried back across the street.

I didn’t even mean to say Muslim. I meant to say middle eastern because I know not all middle Eastern people are Muslim-but I don’t think even that would have helped the interaction be less awkward or make me look any less ignorant because I don’t think they are middle eastern. I honestly couldn’t tell if he was offended or not. Now we are just keeping the curtains closed forever.

The internet had a strong reaction.

[deleted] wrote:

Maybe don’t try to be funny, just be very clear about your apology.

OP responded:

I attempted to. It didn’t work out so well. They aren’t Muslims, I don’t think they are even middle eastern, and I don’t think they even really paid attention to what I said as I walked up to them, so I made a situation that was awkward for me, awkward for us all to the point that I don’t want to go outside the front of the house any more. I still blame my wife.

Jeopardyanimal wrote:

Holy Michael Scott, the secondhand embarrassment is excruciating.

siamlinio wrote:

This is what happens when you use humor to deflect all your uncomfortable feelings instead of actually processing them. You become this guy.

GrumpyMcgrumpypants wrote:

I'm especially infuriated by OP's attempts to hide behind 'intent:'

"There’s a fine line between a rude comment and a bad joke, but there is a line. If you look really, really closely at the line it has a tiny little word, 'intent.' It’s hard to see though."

No OP, you might see it because it's in your head, but no one you're talking to is a mind reader. They cannot see that line the same way you do. How TF was anyone supposed to understand that your intent was literally the opposite meaning of the words that actually came out of your mouth?!