'AITA for saying yes to my BF's public proposal just to turn him down in private?'
"AITA for saying yes to my boyfriend’s public proposal just to turn him down in private?"
My boyfriend (24M) and I (22F) have been together for 3 years. We met in college and we’re still both in school. Things have been good between us for the most part, and we’ve talked about our future together.
The thing is, I’ve always been clear that I’m not ready for marriage yet. I grew up watching my mom struggle because she gave up her career for family, and I’ve made it a personal goal to build something for myself before I even think about marriage. He knew this. We’ve had a few emotional conversations about it, and I thought he understood.
A few weeks ago, his parents had their anniversary party. It was a big event with lots of family and friends there. Toward the end, his dad gave a short speech, and then handed my boyfriend the mic, saying he had something to say. I thought maybe he was just going to toast his parents or something. But then he turned to me, got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring.
Everyone started clapping and cheering. I just froze. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I could feel everyone looking at me, and I didn’t want to embarrass him or make a scene in front of his family, especially not during his parents’ party. So I said yes.
Afterward, everyone was congratulating us, taking pictures, and his mom was crying. I felt sick the whole time. As soon as we got a moment alone, I asked him to talk privately. I told him that I loved him, but I couldn’t accept the proposal, not right now. I reminded him that I’d told him before I wasn’t ready for marriage.
He was really quiet for a while, then said I’d embarrassed him more by saying yes and then changing my mind later. He left the party early, and things have been tense since. His mom called me later and said I “led him on” and ruined what was supposed to be a special night for their family.
Now I just feel awful. I didn’t mean to hurt him or lie. I only said yes because I didn’t want to reject him in front of everyone. But I can see how it might’ve made things worse. So I'm I the AITAH?
This is what people had to say to OP:
ThisWeekInTheRegency said:
Public proposals are awful, and I don't blame you for freezing and saying yes. NTA. I'll bet if you'd said no he'd have been angry that you humiliated him in front of everyone. He just didn't listen to you at all, did he? Not a great sign for a future together.
WallaboutDenizen said:
NTA. Better to cut ties sooner rather than later. Somebody in the family, maybe his parents, should have talked him out of doing something like this on a such a public stage.
AcceptableEcho0 said:
A proposal could be a surprise, but an engagement should never be a surprise. Publicly proposing without your consent was an attempt to manipulate you into an engagement you where not ready for. He knew you where not ready, but expected you to go along with the engagement and a whole ass marriage to avoid embarrassment or shaming him.
I hope you realize that a man who respects and loves you would never put you in this uncomfortable position. Allowing his family to harass you and attempt to bull you into an engagement you are not ready for is also manipulative and frankly pathetic.
You can't marry a man who runs to mommy to solve his problems or "correct" your behavior. If you do, you will never have a moments peace and your mother in law will absolutely inject herself into ever argument, decision, or choice you face as a couple forever.
AnnaRPsub said:
He got himself into this whole mess, he can get himself out. Proposing publicly to someone who’s been clear about not wanting marriage is an attempt at manipulation. He clearly hoped the pressure of it being public would help him lock you in. Ow and his mom can go marry her wittle boy. She has no stake in your relationship