'AITA for scaling down what I was planning for my coworker's daughter's sweet 16? She was rude.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for offering to make sweet 16 favors for my coworkers daughter and scaling down what I was plan on doing after she was rude to me?"

I run a small family party business from my home as a second job My coworker is a single mom with five kids. Over the years I have offered a few times to make party favors and decorations for her kids parties as a gift. Things are a struggle for her and I just wanted to do something nice for her kids.

I buy all the supplies and my labor is free and is their gift. The scale and cost of everything changes depending on the event. I do this for my nieces and nephews as well. I enjoy doing it and I think it makes people happy. A few weeks ago I offered to make sweet 16 favors and some decorations for a small restaurant party for my coworkers daughter.

One night I FaceTimed with the mother and the daughter and we were discussing colors. She picked light blue and light pink as her color scheme. That’s not colors I normally would associate with a sweet 16 and I mentioned it to her that I was concerned it would look more like a baby shower. She snapped at me and said I want light blue and light pink. OK got it.

A few days later, I’m speaking to the mother that I wasn’t finding a lot of sweets 16 items in that color scheme. She picks up the phone and calls her daughter on speaker phone and explains to her the issue. The daughter abruptly says “what part of light pink and light blue does she not understand”.

I know she is a child and has had a rough road but am AITA for not going the extra mile making them. I offered to make favors and I will make sure they are beautiful. But any joy I have making them is totally gone. Normally, I would do a couple of surprises along with the favors, but I just don’t have it in me and I feel terrible for being upset at a child. I feel like such a terrible person. Any advise on what I should do?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Ok_Case_1521 wrote:

The way I would suddenly hurt my wrist and be unable to make these. NTA. I thought the mom was the jerk but clearly she raised a jerk too.

Sea_firefighter_4598 wrote:

I don't know if she has had a rough road in the past but with that attitude she will have one going forward. Tell her that it is the companies that make the supplies that don't understand her baby shower color scheme. Do what you promised, don't go the extra mile, and be prepared not to be thanked. NTA but no more favors, party or otherwise, for these people.

nylonvest wrote:

NTA. I have no problem with you scaling down your efforts. But I DO have a problem with you keeping silent about how you've been treated.

Tell her you didn't appreciate her snapping at you and you don't appreciate her daughter talking down to you like that and remind her that you do this as a business and were going to get her these favors as a gift. But even if she was a paying customer you expect to be treated with decency.

If you are certain you want to go through with the favors you can tell her you're going to do this for them because you said you would, but you think you deserve an apology.

If not, you can just confront her about the behavior and see how she responds and decide how YOU want to proceed based on that.

After receiving some support, OP shared an edit with more context.

When the daughter snapped me, the mother halfheartedly apologized to me. Saying you understand teenagers. And I do understand teenagers.

Normally, when I offer to do favors for someone, we discuss the colors and what I can offer for the party. I will give the person my honest opinion and make sure they’re aware that I might not have exactly what they want. She wanted things that said sweet 16 in her specific color choice, light blue and light pink. I was unable to find that.

I can find pink alone, but not the combo . I wanted to make sure she understood. Not to criticize her, but just to make she was aware it might not be exactly what she was looking for. It’s not worth my time to make something for someone if it’s not exactly what they want. I ask clients and family members to make sure I understand what they want.

I have no personal opinion of any kind. I could care less what colors people pick or theme they use. Not my business. But I’m not gonna shield away from being honest. I will explain to them the situation/issue and let them decide what they want.

I have offered my services for free for 1 million events.

School events, team fundraisers, nursing home gifts and thousands of raffle baskets. All for free, remember, this is my second job money is tight. If I offer something, it’s with a whole heart. I’ve known this child since she was an infant, and I am upset. I want to do something beautiful for her but I can’t get over the fact that she was just so rude. I feel the mother should have corrected her.

Comments kept coming in response.

iamnotfunnybutitried wrote:

I really think you should try expressing how you feel about this to your friend and/or her daughter. It sounds like you care about them and value these relationships, so it won't do any of you any good if you fester resentment over this situation.

What I would try to do in your situation (and I'd really need my husband in my corner, he's at least half of my backbone) is to talk to both of them together and express that you want to offer this gift but you still have to be treated with respect.

Colors you can talk about sunrise to sunset, respect is a non-negotiable. If they have concerns or big feelings, that's okay, but they must still be expressed in a respectful manner. Don't be afraid to speak from your heart, but remember that you don't have to give or do anything that you don't want to.

frequent-shirt5498 wrote:

I agree, her mother, right then and there should have told her how rude she was and reminded her how you are doing this as a gift for free, otherwise she may not have decorations because money is tight. The mother should have told her to apologize or she would tell you to forget the decorations and she may just cancel the party all together.

Her just half-heartedly apologizing herself, for her daughter helps no one. Most certainly not her daughter. And yes we were all teenagers once so we do know them. But that doesn't give them a pass to be rude to anyone and especially someone kind enough to put a lot of work into a free gift for them. NTA. I would tell them how you feel.

agreeable-region-310 wrote:

Don't be surprised if the daughter lets you know how disappointed she is in what you make for the favors. I don't think she will be happy regardless of what you do.

MsKrueger wrote:

I don't think you should move forward with making the favors until you talk to the mom and the daughter. Tell them what you've put here; you've given them a lot of free labor over the years, and you did it because it made you happy giving them that gift, but you can't be treated like punching bag.

You are happy to help them out but you at least need to be treated with respect. If they can't do that, you don't feel comfortable helping them with parties and events anymore. Or at the very least, you won't help with this one.

Almost a week later, OP shared an update.

Last week I was looking for advice on a situation. I run a small party business from my home as a second job. I had offered to make sweet 16 favors for a coworker’s daughter who was having a small restaurant party.

I was paying for all the supplies and the favors were my gift. My coworker is a single mom with five kids. I really offered because of my relationship with the mother, we work together over 20 years and I really do love her. she’s had a very hard road the last few years. Two really crappy husbands, and honestly terrible taste in men.

I was discussing the color scheme with the daughter and mom over FaceTime and she had mentioned that she wanted light blue and light pink as her colors. I don’t typically associate those colors with a sweet 16, I was slightly concerned it might look like a baby shower. She was not happy with that statement and repeated“light pink and light blue!” in a super harsh tone.

A few days later, I spoke to the mother and I explained to her I was having issues finding what her daughter wanted in those colors. She called her on speakerphone with me in the room and the daughter say loudly “what part of light blue and light pink does she not understand” I walked away super upset.

I had planned on making her favors and then surprising her with going to the restaurant before the party and use matching tablecloths, chair covers and fancy balloon centerpieces. The mother and I had talked about this, but the daughter did not know. It was going to be surprise. I just didn’t feel like doing the extras after she acted like that.

Answers to all the questions that came in:

-The daughter absolutely knew that this was my free gift to her, she knows there’s no charge for this. She knew that I was on the call both times.

-A number of people thought I was rude for saying I didn’t like the color scheme. Unfortunately I’m a doormat, the daughter set the tone of the conversation early on, and there was no way to get it on a positive tone.

All I could think is that she didn’t like having a small party and that she wanted something much bigger but her mother cannot afford it.

-A number of people thought that this might be a coming out party of some kind, I know that it’s not.

-A number of people thought I was being too sensitive. That I needed to get over a rude 16 year old. I deal with rude people every day and I do it with a smile. Honestly, it’s a gift. Being rude just means you’re not happy. But I was upset because I’ve known this child since the day she came home from the hospital. I would’ve hoped I meant a little more to her. Apparently, I was incorrect. I know better now.

-A number of people thought the mom was wrong for not correcting the daughter immediately, sadly I agreed. It was such an uncomfortable conversation. She apologized for her being a teenager when we got off the phone. I thought it was a copout. I definitely think the daughter has the upper hand in the mother/daughter relationship. Getting me involved is just awful.

-Lastly so many people told me not to make the favors, to tell the daughter that I was unable to find what she wanted and unable to make them. I am going to make the favors, but I’m not going to do anything else. I had budgeted $150.00 to make the 18 favors. To be honest with you I’m broke. $150 is definitely something I don’t need to spend especially on a kid who is extremely rude.

I totally offered and I will absolutely make them, but I’m not going to do anything else. Let’s explain me, I can’t help volunteering. No matter what it is, I’m the first one to volunteer. I offer my time and my party supplies, way too easily.

I am at the point now where I do more free labor work than I get paid. Even if somebody pays for the supplies, it never covers the whole thing. It always cost me something. I have to start working on getting paid parties and less free stuff, but I’m really having a hard time with so many people who are so used to getting my services for free.

Last week a woman asked me to make favors for her daughter’s college bed party. In the past, she had paid for only my supplies. I explained to her that I could no longer do it, but I would have to charge her and give her a good discount. She was totally upset That I had the nerve to ask her to pay. I’ve done four or five things for her for free in the past but for some reason, she felt I was in the wrong.

She b#$ched to so many people about me, how dare I charge her? Meanwhile, we’re not even close friends. My internet family is a harsh judge. You have given me some perspective to realize that all of this is absolutely my fault that I allowed my friend’s daughter to talk to me that way and that i’m stupid for making the favors.

I just don’t have it in me to not make them. But it’s really pushing me to take a stand and set some kind of boundaries because I can’t keep giving it away for free. It is going to be the death of me. I’m way too stressed about meeting deadlines for people for free and not taking on more paid work. Wish me luck!!!🤞

The internet did not hold back one bit.

desertsunrise84 wrote:

The kid is a brat, but honestly, free or not, if someone who was doing something for a party for ME questioned what I wanted, I'd find someone else.

rythmicbread wrote:

STOP GIVING AWAY FREE STUFF. You’re not being kind, you’re devaluing yourself. If you want to be kind, charge and then add a discount. You’re spending too much energy and money on this.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself.

peabuddie wrote:

As I've grown much older my favorite word is the word no. No no. No. It's not rude you don't say it in a nasty way you just say no. When they argue you don't give your reasons it's just a simple no no means no.

Three weeks later, OP shared another update.

A few weeks back, I asked for advise. I had offered to make sweet 16 favors for the daughter of a long time co-worker/friend Sweet 16. She was having 20 girls at a small restaurant. The favors were my gift and I had $150 budget. My friend/co-worker is a single mom of 5. I just wanted to try to do something nice for my friend.

I have a small family party business as a second job and I thought I could help. I fully admit I’m a doormat and I offer to help people way more than anybody would offer to help me. It’s so hard for me not to offer. I had faceTimed with the mother and daughter to discuss colors for the favors.

The daughter said she wanted light blue and light pink. I told her I was worried that it might look like a baby shower. She then rudely answered back ,” light blue and light pink”. In my previous post, a lot of people criticized me for being negative about the color. As I explained before, I really didn’t care what color she picked, I just was worried it look like a baby shower.

We had one more negative interaction and I decided to do the favors I promised, but I decided not to do anything extra. I was thinking of going to the restaurant and setting up tablecloths and chair covers. I know this child since the day she came home from the hospital. I was very upset about our interactions. She knew this was free and that it was my gift to her.

So the party is this weekend and I brought the favors to work today. I made 24 pink gift bags with blue tissue paper and matching wired ribbon. Each bag has chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate Oreos and chocolate marshmallows, labeled chapsticks, cute pink sunglasses with the birthday girls name on the side.

My friend thinks her daughter’s going to love them, which I’m happy to hear. As I walk away, she asked me if I can do one more favor for her. She wants me to make a favor bags for her boyfriend’s daughter’s bed party.( bed party is for high school senior girls, their friends bring them swag from the college they were accepted and decorate her bed with the school colors).

Honestly, I was floored. I have never met this girl and no, my friend did not offer to pay for the favors . I told her I’m so sorry but unfortunately, I can’t. She said she understood but for the last few hours, things have been weird between us.

The old me would be making these favors the new me says No. I have to remember No is a word. I have been pretty good about saying no to people since my last post. The only thing I have agreed to do is 2 raffle baskets for a childhood cancer fundraiser and 2 baskets for my kids school fundraiser. I know I’m a work in progress but today my friend reminded me that I need to think of me first.

The comments kept coming.

Chantelle22 wrote:

I’m proud of you for saying No!! And the fact that she’s now acting weird after again trying to take advantage of you, proves a whole lot of things people have been saying in the last post. That woman have now come to believe you owe her free Labor. After everything you’ve done for her, has she ever reciprocated in any way, even getting you like a box of cupcake or a small gift just to say thank you?

And I know you’re not doing it for anything in return, but it’s the principle of it. You did the right thing declining her “small” favor. And I will stand by my stance from the last post, decline any further request from her, that is not someone who deserves your time money and effort.

Fordwarrier wrote:

In all honesty OP, you should stop the party baskets unless you get paid at least, your cost. You are too kind hearted, making it very easy to take advantage of.

Kindly tell people that ask, “I’m sorry, but with the cost of everything being so much higher, I just can’t absorb it anymore. If you want to go to the craft store and figure out what you want to use and bring them to me, I’d be more than happy to talk to you about putting them together for you."

KindofStellar wrote:

You’re NTA for sticking to the limits you set after feeling unappreciated and it’s healthy to say no when your generosity is taken for granted, so go ahead and enjoy your hard-earned boundaries.

chucochulitos wrote:

NTA you don’t need to justify not doing a favor for someone, especially if they haven’t done anything for you already. Even if your sole reasoning was “I don’t feel like spending the time doing that” you’d be 100% justified. Good on you for standing your ground. Now you can adjust your expectations with this coworker that if you offer to help, their family won’t be grateful and they’ll ask for more.