'AITA for scheduling a hysterectomy? People think it's unfair to my current child.' UPDATED

"AITA for scheduling a hysterectomy?"

I am a 22afab person that identifies as transgender. At 19 I was finally after two years of pain, diagnosed with both PCOS and Endometriosis. They said that the Endo was spreading into my vaginal canal, putting me at stage 3.

Fast forward to now, I'm 22. I had a rainbow baby boy last October (he's almost 1) and since I have had multiple flares with the Endo. These can keep me bed bound for multiple days at a time with no relief.

I was told recently that it is starting to spread to places like my kidneys and bladder. My OB directly advised me to look into a Radical (total) hysterectomy due to this.

I mentioned this in passing to my brother 20M, not too long ago and he was appalled that I would even do that. Here's the conversation in a nutshell.

OP: yeah I have to get a hysterectomy soon. The endometriosis is worse than it was before (insert son's name) was born.

Brother- Wait, you're going to get your uterus completely removed because of a little period pain? That's a bit excessive don't you think?

OP, it's not just period pain, it's having tissue growth where it isn't supposed to be growing. I'm scheduled for next April.

Brother- think about if (insert son's name) would want a little brother in the future! Think about (insert my husband's name) and if he wants more kids!

(To note, my husband was in the room with me when my OB advised the hysterectomy and scheduled it. He has any and all his questions about the surgery and my recovery timeline answered for him there and is on board).

OP, well it's a medical necessity at this point brother, I'm getting it done in April and that's that.

After this he hung up on me and about an hour after that I got thrown into a GC where everyone was trying to get me to not get a hysterectomy. I left the GC, only to get brought back into it three more times before someone called me an insensitive AH to everyone's feelings and that this big of a procedure should be a family decision.

I muted the GC but checked it to see I have over half of my extended family that won't talk to me 90% of the time in the first place calling me an AH for not telling the "family" and getting a group decision before getting my hysterectomy.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Finicky-phatgurl wrote:

I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Absolutely NTA. Your brother is an immature idiot who doesn’t understand what you’re suffering through. Forget about your family. If they’d rather you be in pain for life they aren’t worth having around anyways.

Outside-Parfait-8935 wrote:

How TF is this a "family decision"? I've never heard anything so insane in my life.

TransportationNo5560 wrote:

OP needs to ask which family member wants their uterus and all that comes with it.

SobriquetHeart wrote:

...and then ship it to them in a jar.

BellLilly wrote:

No! They're too cool to share. And with the PCOS and Endo, it'll be big and lumpy. My doctor said no to keeping it...didn't even get me a picture.

lisalef wrote:

NTA. This is not a “family decision”. It’s yours and yours alone. Not even your spouse should have an opinion as this is a medical issue. Tell your family to mind their own business. They don’t have any idea what you’re going through or how debilitating it is and for your brother to comment about “a little period pain." How the hell would he know?

I would also ask your doctor if you can schedule it earlier. Why April? It’s 7 months away. Don’t let anyone know the actual date because they will try to stop you. Tell your brother and all the male flying monkeys that you’re going to kick them as hard as you can in their groin and once the pain starts to subside, you’re going to kick them again and repeat.

And for the women in your family, tell them to imagine the worst cramps ever and multiply that by 100 PLUS it’s constant, not just a few days a month so no relief in sight. Or get one of those cramp simulators and crank that sucker up to 11 and ask them to wear it, with that level, for a full 24 hours.

OP responded:

April is the earliest date but I'm on the cancellation list (the list where if someone calls and cancels I get that day instead) my husband wanted to ask some questions and had a few concerns, mostly about my recovery timeline. I figured that it couldn't hurt to let him ask the OB himself. He got his questions and concerns answered and has always been on board for me to get a hysterectomy.

Youllfloattew wrote:

Did you agree to birth the family's children from here on out or something??? BC WTF!? That is odd behavior. And quite frankly, creepy. NTA.

OP responded:

No my family is just ass backwards. They think that for any of the younger female /afab generations in the family need to have full familial permission before doing anything. I was actually shunned by a lot of them when I got pregnant last year with my son for not asking for "permission" first. Husband and I weren't even trying, I thought I was having an Endo flare and come to find I was 5 weeks pregnant.

A day later, OP shared an update.

So a small update. I found the reason why my brother doesn't want me to get a hysterectomy done. His new girlfriend (mind you he has another child by another woman he refuses to provide care for) is completely infertile. She had to have a surgery that left her infertile when she was in middle school. How I found this out is I bluntly asked why he was so against the surgery.

Turns out they want me to carry their child, using my eggs and donor sperm. I said that I would not be their surrogate until my brother became a man and provided support for his child with his ex. Now he's calling me an AH for this too. I did however block the rest of my extended family already.

The comments kept coming.

PinkPaintedSky wrote:

Still NTA. This makes him an even bigger one, though. He doesn't care about your struggles or pain or you and your family. He just cares about what he may want in the future and didn't even bother to run it by you before assuming and attacking. NC is definitely the best thing for you and YOUR family.

-Zotikos- wrote:

Gross! That is just so incredibly entitled! To just assume they can "use" your uterus because... "Well, you're not using it!"? Absolutely not, even if it was in tip top condition, which you've stated it is not. Gross, to already be planning on using you like that, without even the decency to give you a heads up? Just planning on springing it on you when they were ready, were they?

Save your unborn child and yourself: Absolutely a firm NO, whether he pays child support or no. It is a good bargaining chip to get him to help his first child, though never ever actually surrogate; do not give them another life to ruin. You'd be handing a defenseless baby to an abusive, neglectful household.

CakePhool wrote:

But you cant be a surrogate, most sane doctors wont let you since you have both PCOS and Endometriosis.

I known a fertility doctor and a surrogate cant have both PCOS and Endometriosis, because the chances of a safe pregnancy is small.

NYCStoryteller wrote:

NTA. 1000%. Your brother is such a dick. If your brother wants to be a dad again someday with his new girlfriend, he can get a unrelated surrogate and use HIS sperm and a donor egg. But before he spends the money on that, he really should be supporting the kid he already has.