'AITA for scheduling surgery on my GF's sister's birthday and refusing to reschedule?' UPDATED
"AITA for scheduling surgery on my gf's sister's birthday and refusing to reschedule?"
I (31M) lost my uncle to pancreatic cancer in January. The only good that came out of it was that I finally got off my bum and went for a long overdue doctor's visit. MD sent me to a dermatologist to look at a questionable lesion on my scalp. Finally saw the dermatologist at the end of February and had a biopsy done.
Biopsy came back positive for squamous cell carcinoma, so I'm understandably stressed and very upset, so when I scheduled my procedure, I wasn't thinking straight when I accepted the first available date and time.
The date falls on my gf's (28F) little sister's (LS, 20F) 21st birthday. Thing is, even if I had been thinking, my gf is very LC with her parents/sister because her sister is the spoiled golden child, her parents are her enablers, it's a mess. Gf only calls on birthdays and we suffer one day between Christmas and New Year.
My gf flipped out on me because since 21 is a milestone birthday (USA), we HAVE to go to LS's birthday. I asked if she was expecting me to reschedule surgery, and my gf said that yes, of course that's what she expected because there was no way in hell she was going alone. I kind of laughed in disbelief and reiterated she was asking me to reschedule surgery to remove CANCER.
I told her she didn't have to go alone if I had surgery, she could tell her family she had to stay home and take care of me after surgery, even if she sat around in PJs and ate ice cream on the couch instead.
She screamed at me for being stupid and thinking it was okay to do or say anything that would make me seem more important on LS's birthday and she said if I didn't reschedule, I could sleep on the couch.
I refused to reschedule or sleep on the couch and said if she didn't want to share the bed with me, by all means she could sleep on the couch, which she ended up doing, and now she and I aren't speaking because she tells me to "f*** off AH" every time I try.
Since my gf was mad at me, I went to my mom for some comfort about the diagnosis ONLY. I didn't say a word about how my gf reacted, and if my mom had asked, I would have said my gf was upset, but not about what. She asked if my gf was going to look after me, or if I needed anything, and I said, "I don't know, the surgery is on LS's birthday, so I might be on my own."
What I wasn't expecting was for my mom to tell me it was really inconsiderate of me to schedule on someone's birthday. She didn't tell me to reschedule, but I was pretty shocked that she said that, especially since my mom's brother is the one who just died, and she is a ten-year survivor of non-Hodgkins.
Squamous cell is pretty slow growing and doesn't usually spread, so I could have scheduled it for later. But at the same time, I don't want it on me any longer than it absolutely has to be. Am I really the AH here?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Naa2016 said:
dude i think everyone is taking crazy pills except you. 21st birthday is a milestone in the US, but you know what else is a cool milestone? NOT DYING TO CANCER. jfc. NTA
vodka_philosophy said:
NTA and you should dump her ass. Not only did she prioritize her sister's birthday over your cancer removal surgery (like seriously, that is movie villain levels of cold), but she screamed at you when you didn't give in to her demand, tried to kick you out of your own bed, and is now verbally abusing you when you try to speak to her. She is unhinged and not a partner worth having in any way.
sarcasmislife28 said:
NTA. Your health comes first. Cancer doesn't care how old anyone is.
And DinaFelice said:
Medical needs trump celebrations. Every time. A birthday, even the 21st, is a 'come if you can' type of celebration, as opposed to a wedding (or a funeral) which is more of an obligation for close family, where not attending has deeper meaning. And medical needs still trump a wedding. NTA. Your girlfriend needs to get her priorities in order.
He later shared this first update:
So a minor update--I spoke to my mom and told her I was upset about what she said and it turns out it was a misunderstanding and a bad joke that poorly landed. In our family, we have a habit that if someone says they need to do something necessary for living, we react with mock offense--i.e.
I need to go to the bathroom/get water/eat some lunch, and the response is along the lines of "You have a lot of nerve/how dare you!" She wasn't serious IN THE LEAST and was extremely apologetic that I took it that way and said she should have know better than to joke while I was so upset. So my mom and I have cleared things between us, thankfully.
I haven't told her about what's going on with my gf yet because I love my mom, but she is a meddler, and I want to give my gf another chance to at least talk like adults before I make any final decisions regarding our relationship.
And finally, he shared this second update:
First of all, the cancer was removed! It was only on the surface and had not spread, and my blood work and scans have all been clear! In the end, after days of silent treatment or being snapped at, I went and stayed with my mom at her invitation after I told her my gf was too stressed to handle it right now. Not the whole truth, but not a complete lie, either.
But after four days without any contact from her, despite reaching out morning and evening, and no calls or visits, my mom finally cottoned on to the fact that something was wrong, and I eventually confessed what was going on. She was furious but promised not to interfere and would support whatever I chose to do.
I texted my gf and insisted that we needed to talk and couldn't keep acting like children. When she finally came to talk to me, it was almost two full weeks after I posted, and I was p*ssed off and told her I loved her but I would not stay with someone who wasted their time trying to please people who would never see her worth and that she needed to be able to see her own worth by herself--
and if it made any difference to her, she had always been worth it to me, but I needed a partner who didn't throw temper tantrums and give me the cold shoulder for weeks instead of facing her problems.
She ended up apologizing for her behavior and explaining that she had been in a constant state of a panic attack for days on end and had barely slept. She admitted that she was wrong and ended up blocking her entire family while we sat there on my mom's couch.
We decided I'm going to continue staying with my mom for a while, and we're going to spend time apart for a while. We're broken up for the moment, but we are going to keep trying to talk and maintain a friendship for now because I don't feel right completely abandoning her with no support when she's taken the final and difficult step of blocking her family and cutting the last remains of contact with them.