'AITA for scolding my daughter to make my other daughter feel better?'
"AITA for scolding my daughter to make my other daughter feel better?"
I (38M) have two daughters - "Aspen" (8F) and "Ivy" (4F). Aspen is severely developmentally delayed, her cognitive function is similar to a baby or very young toddler's. Recently, she has been into that getting-into-things phase. Everything also goes straight to her mouth, even though we provide chewies/alternatives for her.
Recently, she has developed an interest in Ivy's baby dolls. We try to keep them out of reach, but every so often she finds a stray one. This frustrates Ivy. So when it happened today, I (lightly) scolded Aspen for taking her sister's stuff.
Of course, Aspen had zero clue what I meant, but it made Ivy feel better. My wife was very unhappy about this. She says that it was mean because Aspen doesn't know what's going on, and that she didn't deserve a scolding.
She thinks that we should have sat Ivy down and told her how her sister doesn't know any better and that we need to be patient when she does stuff like this. She is mad that I didn't "include her in the conversation before I did this." AITA for scolding my daughter to make my other daughter feel better?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Grammabear707 wrote:
I have a severely global developmentally delayed 9 year old grandson. He is the middle child and he does understand scolding means he did something that does not make you happy. She may not learn everything that is appropriate for her age but she will never learn any acceptable behavior if no one bothers to teach her and uses her disability as a crutch.
Her disability is a reason for certain behaviors but using her delays as an excuse not to teach her irresponsible.
OP responded:
At Aspen's current state of cognitive function, she may (it's a 50/50 chance) stop when she she hears "no" or "stop" but she doesn't retain it. What she understands and what she doesn't is a challenge for us all day long.
qwertyiiuop145 wrote:
INFO: can Aspen understand what you’re saying to her to any extent? If the answer is no, scolding her is pointless. If she can’t understand some, at least on the level of a 2 or 3 year old, a small scolding to establish the rule is okay.
If she can retain some concept of “chewing on the doll was bad”, it was worthwhile. If all she could comprehend was “dad is being scary and making sounds”, it’s doing more harm than good.
OP responded:
She (sometimes) understands the word "no" or "stop" but it's a 50/50 chance and she doesn't retain the lesson. For example, if you tell her "no" because she's trying to touch a vase - she may back away (if you're lucky) but then twenty seconds later she's going to try to do it again. Her brain is in a state of cognitive decline due to her condition, so she understands less and less as time goes on.
Beruthiel999 wrote:
NTA. Ivy deserves to not have her toys ruined, and to know someone is looking out for her. Aspen also needs to hear "no" sometimes. There is a known dynamic where a child with a disabled sibling is expected to, for lack of a better term, "shut up and cope" even from a very young age.
Obviously, this is not good for that child, and as Ivy grows up, she will naturally think her mom loves Aspen more. Because Aspen can do whatever she wants, and Ivy is expected to never complain about it.
Old_Inevitable8553 wrote:
NTA. It doesn't matter what her condition is. Aspen is still capable of learning the word no and that there are consequences for her actions. Just like an actual baby can and would. So yes, you need to give her some kind of accountability. As for telling Ivy that she needs to be more patient about Aspen's behavior, shut that down right now.
That sort of thinking is just gonna cause pure grief down the road. Because it will set a precedent that Aspen's condition allows her to get away with anything and everything and never have to face some kind of consequence. Which will just breed resentment with Ivy who can and will see how unfair the treatment is.
Wide-Lengthiness299 wrote:
Treating your developmentally challenged daughter like she can do no wrong, will harm her in the long run. Scolding her when she crosses boundaries will be something she benefits from in the long run. She’s a child who can learn. Even autistic children with little understanding will learn from appropriate punishments.
Your wife is the AH because treating her like she can’t learn at all will stunt any development she CAN do. Obviously don’t scream, but don’t treat her like she can do no wrong. Sure teaching ivy about her disability might help the process, but never addressing aspens issues will build resentment and harm ivy over time.
Top_Calligrapher7311 wrote:
NTA. Unless you really only did it to make Ivy feel better. I hate when parents of ND kids do the whole "I never tell my kid no, they don't understand" thing. I have an ND kiddo myself and he heard "no" every time he did something that wasn't allowed when he was small and still does now that he's bigger.
Just because kiddo doesn't respond the way you'd expect a NT kid to respond doesn't mean they don't understand, doesn't mean they can't LEARN. Babies and toddlers are both capable of learning what "no" means. SO telling an older kid with the cognitive level of a toddler "you can't take sissy's things, that isn't nice" is completely appropriate.
I will say though, this is a conversation you and your wife probably need to have. You should both be on the same page with how you parent. Otherwise nothing you do will be effective.