'AITA for having a secret savings account in case of divorce?'

"AITA for having a secret savings account in case of divorce?"

My husband (32M) and I (28F) have a unique marriage in some ways. We have been together 10 years and married for 8 of them. We don’t have kids and don’t plan on it. We have tried to keep finances fair but separate. We contribute equally to bills and to our joint savings account, but have separate checking accounts. After bills/savings, it’s our choice what we do with our remaining money.

We make about the same amount but I spend a lot less. He has some expensive hobbies and I don’t. So over the past few years I’ve started my own personal savings out of my “fun” money which now equals about as much as our joint savings. I’m just not sure about my marriage and I feel safer having the ability to leave if things get worse.

My mom was in two abusive relationships while I grew up and I never want to be in a situation where I feel trapped. My husband has never been abusive to be clear. The main issue with my marriage is around intimacy. My husband doesn’t enjoy it and I did not know this until after we were married. I don’t think he deliberately hid it from me but that he didn’t know or want to acknowledge this about himself.

We haven’t had physical intimacy in 5 years now and it has caused me to lose romantic feelings towards him. He also has some anger/emotional issues that he is in therapy addressing, but he doesn’t ever want to talk to me about them. We coexist but I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship anymore and I’m not sure how to fix it when he refuses to open up to me.

I am hopeful therapy might help and I am giving this time, but I also feel better having an exit plan. I recently mentioned this to my best friend and he called me out about it and basically said I am being disloyal to my marriage. He asked me why I am staying at all if I have “one foot out the door” and leaving now would be kinder than letting my husband know in a few years that I planned this all along. AITA?

EDIT:

I’m not worried about having to split the money or disclose my savings if we divorced. My goal is actually to let him have our joint savings completely and have enough saved up on my own that I could still be okay. In terms of property, he has a lot more than me because of his expensive hobbies and I just imagine he would keep all of it.

So I’m less concerned with the legal side and more worried that I’m being a horrible person by hiding this while he is in therapy and asking me not to leave him.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

annedroiid said:

INFO: Why are you in a relationship with someone when you are so incompatible? You’re being an @$$hole to yourself by staying with someone you don’t love and haven’t done so for 5 years!

Re the money, since your finances are separate you’re not an @$$hole for saving your fun money instead of spending it, since you each do what you want with your fun money it doesn’t matter you have a lot in savings. That being said, in a divorce I highly doubt he wouldn’t get half of it anyway.

OP responded:

We’ve been together since I was 18 years old and things were really different in the beginning. I still care about him as a person and don’t want to abandon him. I know I’m not happy but part of me keeps hoping it’ll just be a rough patch.

He is terrified at the idea of me leaving him but he puts no effort into improving our relationship. He thinks I just need to accept that I won’t ever have physical intimacy again. When I’ve brought up how I didn’t know if I could handle that, he said it sounded like my problem not his.

[deleted] said:

You do realize that in the case of a divorce, a judge can say that half of that savings goes to him, right? Putting it into a separate savings doesn't protect it in a divorce. And have you considered couple's therapy? NTA But your friend kinda is right.

OP responded:

Yeah I don’t expect to come out of this with a lot of extra money. I just want to be able to put a down payment on a new place without touching our joint savings. I also just don’t think he would ever try to take money from my account. He is a really fair person and I trust him.

Yep, offered a dozen times. He gets really defensive and says I need to stop talking like he has a problem. He’s in therapy on his own now which I think is better than nothing, but it’s more to address his own emotional problems than our relationship. The last time I asked his response was “our relationship isn’t my priority right now” so I left it alone.

The_Real_Scrotus said:

NAH. If both of you are free to do whatever you like with your money after shared savings and expenses, then that includes saving it for a rainy day. One thing to make sure you're aware of though, if you do divorce your husband you'll have to include your secret savings account in your assets and it will be subject to the divorce proceedings just like everything else. You don't automatically get to keep all of it.

thebanjoman said:

YTA but only in answer to your headline question, and mainly you're being an asshole to yourself.

I think if you are already at the stage of hiding major things from your husband because of your unhappiness, why have you not decided to leave? Physical incompatibility is a major thing and if you are not happy - and I absolutely hear that you feel "bait and switched"- it's an absolutely valid reason to leave. However, your savings account will likely be considered a marital and joint asset.

PearlLo said:

NTA. You have a roommate not a partner. Just my opinion there. Is he affectionate in other ways? Are you alone more than not, even when you're both at home? A good/bad qualities list might be a good start for you. If the bad outweighs the good, well.. Please don't let yourself exist in a half-life limbo then 10 years later, it's too late and you're too damaged to do anything about it. Good luck!

outbound1996 said:

NAH. First off, your relationship isn’t going to work if you don’t plan on it working. BUT being independent and having your own money is essential to being in a healthy relationship. If you savings is purely so that you can leave, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

If you’ve simply saved up and you’re savings is now big enough that it’s financially feasible to leave, then that’s just your money. If you found out your partner was saving up so they could leave you, you’ll probably be hurt too, feeling like they’re just leaving you in a sh!tty situation.

Secondly, if intimacy is really the issue, you guys might try other relationship options. I think it’s fairly common for Aces to be in open relationships so that their partner can still get their needs taken care of. I’m not saying this is THE solution by any means, it could go horribly. Maybe see if you can accompany him to therapy or seek couples therapy together.

You’ve been together for a long time, if you feel like it could work, then don’t let yourself regret not trying your hardest before giving up. Good luck!

And OP responded:

Thank you so much, the whole situation breaks my heart and I still try to stay hopeful. But at the same time, I watched my mom get financially trapped and it left me with a lot of anxiety. If things work out my plan is to just add it into our joint savings. I am not planning to leave once I hit a certain dollar amount. I might have made it sound like that.

Part of the problem is he won’t accept he is ACE (not interested in physical intimacy). He got really hurt when I called him that and said I was making it sound like he had a problem. He had never heard the term before. I’m hoping some of this might be discussed with his therapist now, but I have no clue what they talk about.

I broached the possibility of an open relationship once and he got really hurt/upset and asked me how I could even think about being with someone besides him. He said I needed to be less obsessed with physical intimacy and I was the one with the problem since I’m unhappy and he’s fine.