'Am I wrong for keeping my vasectomy secret in a childfree relationship?'
"Am I wrong for keeping my vasectomy "secret" in a childfree relationship?"
RelationshipDry3988
I (32M) have been dating this girl, "Alice," (33F) for about 8 months. We met on a dating app, where I clearly state on my profile that I am childfree for personal reasons.
I also always make sure to bring this up in any new relationship after a few dates just so there's no false expectations, as I have had relationships fall apart because we had conflicting views on that. I told Alice this as well, and she expressed that she also didn't want kids and was fine with that. Well... that's where the problem happens.
For context, I had a scalpel vasectomy about 14 months ago. The doctor elected to use one because we tried no-scalpel first and it didn't take. The relevance of this is a faint but noticeable scar from where the scalpel was used.
I didn't think it was necessary to bring up that I had a vasectomy, as I feel it doesn't really matter if we're both agreed on not having kids, and it's just kind of an awkward subject to talk about.
Alice also takes birth control pills, both for contraception and menstrual regulation, and I used condoms per her request, so we were definitely safe either way. If she'd asked me, I would've told her, I wasn't trying to hide it or anything... it just never came up in ordinary conversation.
A few days ago, Alice happened to notice my scar and asked what the story was, so I told her it was from my vasectomy. She suddenly went quiet and then asked why I had a vasectomy without telling her.
I said that I had it before we even met. She got really mad and asked why I'd "kept it secret" from her, so I told her the truth and said I just didn't think it was something that needed to be mentioned. She just said "seriously? I can't believe you," and then stormed out.
I tried calling and she didn't answer, so I texted her apologizing and restating that I genuinely didn't know it was something she felt needed to be said, since all it affects is my own fertility and we didn't want kids anyway.
I also sent a few follow up texts just checking in on her, but she's leaving me on read. I feel like I'm going crazy, like, why get so upset about this? I don't understand what the conflict is, and she won't talk to me so I can't ask. So... am I in the wrong here? Should I be disclosing my "secret" vasectomy earlier in any future relationships?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
mandarinandbasil
How did your vasectomy not come up in birth control conversations???
cryssylee90
NTA. But I’m not immediately jumping on the baby trapping train like others. Birth control sucks for a lot of women. The side effects can be incredibly nasty and even cause other health issues.
She could have been more upset about the fact that she feels she’s been unnecessarily taking a medication that caused her to feel poorly. Even in a CF relationship these things should be discussed so that proper preventative measures can be discussed, especially when some of those preventative measures can have such adverse effects if they’re unnecessary with a clean follow up.
ETA: Birth control is the first method of treatment for most hormonal and reproductive issues but it is not the only issue. And “menstrual regulation” could literally just mean having a consistent cycle instead of one ranging between a few weeks and a few months.
MANY women would happily come off BC if they knew their risk of pregnancy was virtually non-existent. Using it to regulate your period doesn’t suddenly make things like weight gain, bloating, nausea, high blood pressure, fatigue, headaches, mood disorders, etc. disappear.
Using it to regulate your period doesn’t suddenly lessen the risk of severe side effects like blood clots, heart attack, stroke, and liver failure. It’s a matter of deciding whether or not the benefit outweighs the risk. And if you don’t NEED it to prevent pregnancy, that one of the biggest benefits of the medication is no longer a useful benefit at all.
Budgiejen
Honestly, if you’ve discussed being childfree and you’re having sex regularly and you’ve talked about birth control and condoms, it feels like you’re hiding something. Like I don’t know why you’re hiding it. But it probably could’ve come up naturally in conversation several times by now and you didn’t say anything. What else are you hiding?
Alternative-Being181
It’s not the best. Sexually active women live with some degree of constant anxiety about getting pregnant plus the hassle of keeping on top of birth control, and the side effects that come from it. This stress can make sex less enjoyable. Given her insistence on condoms on top of her birth control, there’s every indication she does not want to be pregnant, so why did this need to be hidden?
DrAunty
This comment needs to be higher! I'm childfree and I would straight up be PISSED if I didn't find out about this until that late. I could have been stress free that whole time?! Even if you want to stay on birth control for hormonal reasons, maybe she wants to go condom free or try other medication. Birth control is a shared responsibility that you need to openly communicate about and it's weird that you didn't mention it.
FairyCompetent
I think it would be thoughtful to mention it, if only to relieve the constant low-level fear of unplanned pregnancy women who don't want kids and do have sex with men live with. If you talked about being child free it seems like that fits really neatly and easily into that conversation. Why not mention it?
emryldmyst
You did nothing wrong.
Her reaction is very telling though...