'AITA for secretly cheating on the vegetarian diet that my wife put our family on?' MAJOR UPDATE

'AITAH for secretly cheating on our vegetarian diet that my wife made our family do?"

I want to start by saying I (38M) love my family and wife (35F), and I have never been the type to do anything like this before. 12 months ago, my Wife converted to a new religion, which included her giving up eating meat. The whole family (me and our two young boys) were supportive of this, and we held a vegetarian-only dinner that night as a little sign of support.

Life continues for another ~8 months basically unchanged; the boys and I eat meat, and my wife doesn't. However, things start to change around that 8-10 month marker (can't remember exactly). Basically, along with not eating meat, my wife now no longer wanted to be around it. This wasn't the only thing. Things continue to progress.

Basically, my wife started to replace things in the house with substitutes. First, the pork in the house was swapped out for Jackfruit, eggs were swapped out for substitutes like Just Egg, Shirts were only bought from clean brands like Plant Faced Clothing, and Deodorants were swapped out for for deodorant pills like GoScentless - you get the idea.

To say this was creating a rift would be an understatement, and eventually, I brought up to our wife that again, while we 100% support her in her decisions around these things, I didn't think it should change things for the boys and me (unless of course, they wanted it).

Wife argued that her values have changed, and that being around some of this stuff was really hard for her, and wanted us to support her. For the next 2-3 months, the house was a place of pretty high tension.

It had gotten so bad that the boys have friends bringing them meat from their houses since it was now completely gone from ours. Anyway, about a week ago my wife went away on a few day long business trip - meaning I was watching the boys Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Basically, and I'm a bit ashamed to type this out - but the boys and I mostly ate meat, basically every chance we got.

This was all fine and dandy; the boys and I had a great time - until my wife returned home, and it somehow slipped out what we had done.

I have never seen her so disappointed in us. After putting the boys to bed we argued for hours about how I was setting a poor example for the boys, that I should respect the decisions made by my wife, even if they're "tough" and "inconvenient" It's hard to argue back, because I can see her side, but it boils down simply to just I don't want to be vegetarian/vegan, and neither do the boys. AITAH?

The internet had OP's back.

Sailor_Chibi wrote:

NTA. Why do you have to respect the decisions that she makes when she has no respect for the decisions that you make? You and your children need to have a say in your lifestyles. One person doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions for everyone.

She doesn’t deserve respect at this point for forcing HER decisions and beliefs on the rest of you. I see a lot of you saying you see her side, but not once does she try to see your side. That’s pretty fucking selfish. This is a hill you should die on, as restricting certain foods as “bad” can lead to disordered eating in both you and your boys.

Love-Carmela wrote:

You're not the AH. You're supporting your wife's choices by not eating meat when she's around, but it's unfair for her to impose her dietary restrictions on the entire family, especially the kids.

LeoSolaris wrote:

Your wife unilaterally decided to change other people's behavior. It explicitly shows in her "disappointment" in your choices when she was not present. That isn't requesting support. That is demanding conversion to her beliefs. If her beliefs are so weak that she cheats when meat is in the house, that is 100% her problem. It is not her place to impose changes without consent.

aliendevilkid wrote:

So she just gets to decide what everyone consumes, wears, and uses for personal hygiene? Nah. That's ridiculous and unreasonable. NTA. But what religion is this? Pushing your personal religious expectations onto other people who want nothing to do with your religion - which is what your wife is doing - is by definition an asshole move and unacceptable behavior.

yakkerswasneverhere wrote:

It's funny how you haven't told her to stop her eating choices but she is quick to tell you to stop yours. Your wife is manipulating your good guy nature to guilt you into a choice you didn't make. She is 100% wrong for that.

You need to take a harder stance and let her know this 'support' she wants comes with a cost. Her forcing her choices on all of you will result in respect being lost. In the end, people can't live unhappy. They will remove what makes them unhappy at some point.

Infinite-Chapter2652 wrote:

NTA. your wife is the AH for FORCING her family to follow the same beliefs as she does. You cant control what other people do around you. this should be a unanimous decision between the two of you and your kids are old enough to choose for themselves.

WaryScientist wrote:

NTA - she said she got rid of it because she couldn’t be around it…well she wasn’t around it.

Also, you guys did NOT convert to her religion, so she can’t expect that you follow it…not really sure what the problem is when she wasn’t home.

medium_buffalo_wings wrote:

NTA.

You are a grown man. Act like it. If you want to eat meat, do. If you want it in the house, buy it yourself. You can respect her beliefs and be your own person.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

After my/our post went crazy, me and the wife basically sat down and tried to talk everything out - using the comments as a guide (some were pretty mean, though). After hours and hours of debating and about a week of going back and forth, the final "place" we came to was is somewhat hard to put it into written words, but basically:

The boys should be able to live how they want, as they didn't "make a decision" to be part of this family, but I've (Me) chosen to be part of this family, and be with my wife, and If I can't meet my Wife in her values, I should decide if I actually want to continue to be a part of this family.

So basically the boys are "off the hook" until they get a bit older and are able to make decisions at this level on their own, but in order to continue being with my wife, I need to sacrifice and meet her where her values are.

I know the internet doesn't want to hear this, but I'm willing to make a sacrifice like this to

1.) Keep my family together

2.) Allow the boys to have their freedom

When I wrote the original post, all I cared about was my boys' ability to "choose" their own lifestyle - whether that be the one we have or some crazy lifestyle that they want.

And I think I've gotten us to that place now. I think we’ve finally found a path forward.

AITAH for sacrificing at this level to keep my family together?

The comments kept coming.

cthulularoo wrote:

NTA for making the sacrifice. But this is the slope that you're starting on. She's going to need you to keep meeting her values. "I've (Me) chosen to be part of this family, and be with my wife, and If I can't meet my Wife in her values, I should decide if I actually want to continue to be a part of this family."

This argument is faulty. You didn't choose to part of this family. You made this family with her on terms you both agreed on. She unilaterally changed some of the terms and expects you to still abide by your original terms.

That's BS. You need to renegotiate if anything. As for "you choosing to be part of the family" so did she. If her values aren't the same as yours, then she's the one choosing to not be in this relationship. dude, you just let her gaslight you into thinking you're responsible for failing the relationship. YTA for sucking everything down.

roadkill4snacks wrote:

She sounds toxic. I pity you and your boys. She role models conditional love, making your boys believe it’s okay to get into unhealthy relationships with users and abusers. There is no greater good, only the journey towards guilt and shame.

PS: make sure your boys are getting B12 and all the other nutritional supplements. Maybe do a full blood test to make sure everything is healthy. Seen too many unhealthy and developmentally impaired people that don’t manage their diets correctly.

fly1away wrote:

What the actual f#$. So now she's going to divorce you if you don't change your diet to suit her? her 'values'? Which have shifted since she pledged herself to you in marriage? Mate. She's brainwashing you. Have a hard think to yourself. This ain't right. If a steak is enough to end your marriage...maybe there's not a lot there any more.

eve2eden wrote:

Also, I read this as basically saying that the boys will be required to “decide if they want to continue to be a part of the family” too when they get a bit older. All Dad has done here, at best, is defer the situation for his sons for a few years.