'AITA for secretly dating my ex’s best friend and blowing everything up?' UPDATED
"AITA for secretly dating my ex’s best friend and blowing everything up?"
So I (F26) used to have this intense, on-and-off relationship with my ex, “JF” (M27). We met when I was 19 and had this crazy instant connection, but he was always hot and cold.
We were long distance, and for 6 years it was this push-pull dynamic. Sometimes we were together, sometimes we weren’t, sometimes we were in other serious relationships, but we always ended up circling back.
He’d breadcrumb me, say things like “we’ll get married once we’re done with school, have our careers, and live in the same city.” But then he’d go cold again. I dated other people (seriously, not just hook ups), but he was the only one who ever really got into my heart.
By 25, I’d had enough and told myself I wasn’t going to be his backup plan anymore. Still, he’d pop up once in a while with some message, and I’d respond, but I didn’t take him seriously anymore.
Fast forward a bit. I was out one night with old friends and ran into one of JF’s closest College friends, “Hottie” (M27) who had moved to my town. I’d known of him through JF, but we’d never really hung out before.
Anyway, Hottie and I hit it off immediately, we were instantly drawn to each other but we didn't let ourselves take it to the next level. We spent so much time together but were always in a bigger friend group. So many night he and I would stay up talking all night. One night we admitted feelings but said straight up, that nothing could ever happen because of JF.
…But eventually, after a drunk night, it happened. And it was fireworks. We became obsessed with each other. After that, we basically spent every night together for months and months. It felt like the first time I’d ever really gotten over JF. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.
To Hottie, I downplayed my past with JF a lot, though — I never told Hottie about all the “someday we’ll get married” comments, because honestly, I was just embarrassed.
A few months later, JF texts me, out of the blue, saying he’s coming to my town for the weekend, wants to meet up, blah blah. I told him no, because I was seeing someone, but I offered to meet for a coffee so I could come clean.
He rejected the coffee idea, not surprising, as I assumed he just wanted a hook up, and then messaged that I shouldn’t get too close to this new guy because I was “still going to marry him.” 🙄 Whatever, I was just relieved to feel done with his games.
Turns out, JF also called Hottie and made plans with him that same weekend (and told him about his new girlfriend, which he never told me). Hottie told me he was going to tell JF about us that night, because he couldn't lie to his face.
This was the first time they were going to see each other since we started secretly dating. I still didn’t tell Hottie about the BS “marriage promises” JF made to me, because again… pride.
Well, that night Hottie tells JF about us. JF absolutely flips out. Says Hottie has to stop seeing me immediately because I’m “the one” he’s going to end up with, that his current girlfriend is temporary, etc. It was a scene.
The next morning, Hottie ends things with me. He said he didnt realize his friend still had feelings, and he couldn’t do that to his friend, even though he had real feelings for me. We were both crushed.
Since then, what I hear through mutual friends is that Hottie’s heartbroken too, and JF isn’t even speaking to him. Now I’m sitting here devastated, feeling like I lost the first guy I ever truly loved, and who made me genuinely happy after JF.
All because I didn’t handle things right. If I’d been more upfront about JF’s manipulations, maybe it wouldn’t have blown up like this. I also have so much guilt that I ruined their friendship.
EDIT: I should have mentioned that I made it very clear to Hottie that I would never get back together with JF. Ever. His other friends in that group (not our mutual friend group, this is his college boys group with JF) told him that he absolutely can't go near me because JF still talks about me and our future. Hottie understands that it's nonsense, but he said he still cant.
The day after Hottie ended things, I sent JF a message blasting him and telling him to never contact me again. I was not kind. My message was very clear. He is now blocked... forever.
It's been the hardest week of my life. I know I should have been more upfront with Hottie. I can tell by my own heartbreak that I've never loved anyone before this. When we broke up, I told him I didn't want to be friends, I have enough friends. No hard feelings, but I cant pretend to turn my feelings off. I told him not to call me because it would be too painful for me since we can't be together. He sadly agreed.
UPDATE:
I don't know how to do updates, so I hope this works. Wow, its so nice that so many people commented to give me their opinions.
So many people told me to reach out to Hottie. Some said wait, and some said to go get him now. Some people told me that if he actually cared, he should reach out to me. And then some people told me to distance myself from both of them.
Well, he just called me. I was shocked to see his name on my phone. We didn't talk long because he wants to talk in person tonight. He's picking me up to take me out for a drink.
But he did tell me that he heard about my firm message to JF, and that JF will likely never forgive him, whether we are together or not. He's had time to think about it and said it doesn't make sense for us to stay apart. He's picking me up in 2 hours. I must remember to breathe.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
This is a classic case of a guy not wanting you until you're with someone else. You and JF were never actually together, you were in this weird holding pattern. You met someone new who was actually consistent, and JF couldn't handle it.
The fact that he's still trying to control you and your life, even when he has a girlfriend, shows how little he actually cared about your feelings and how much he cared about his own ego. You tried to be honest, and he just went on a rampage. It sucks that Hottie got caught in the crossfire, but he's a grown man who made his own choice to end things.
JF has issues and I think you should nail that coffin shut forever. He sounds like a walking talking red flag. I would suggest blocking JF completely (social media and phone number) and then trying to reconnect with Hottie if you still feel so intensely for him. Maybe wait some time while Hottie gets over the emotions of JF’s friendship. Don’t let some jerk keep you away from the man you could actually marry!
Honestly, NTA. Not even close. JF is A1 certified jerk for leading you on for years and trying to put dibs on you like you're some kinda trophy on his shelf. Should you have filled Hottie in from the start bout JF's BS? Maybe.
But like, you were tryin' to move on too. JF sounds like he ain't ever gonna let you or anyone else do that. You didn't ruin their friendship. JF's actions and obsessions did. Screw that guy. Keep your head up. Better days are comin', promise.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I can't tell you all how amazing it is to have so much support with this. It's so heartwarming. This honestly has been the worst week of my life. I've never known real heartbreak before. It's AWFUL. You can't escape it, it's all consuming.
My friends said they never thought they'd see me like this. In the past Ive been hurt or sad (especially from JF) but could pull myself together and push forward with a smile and keep going. But this past week, I couldn't even fake smiling. I feel like I finally understand what heartbreak really is. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Hottie picked me up last night and the car ride was awkward. Even the first 15-30 minutes at the restaurant were kind of tense. I'm normally a very happy and bubbly person, but I was quiet, reserved and guarded.
He asked me what was wrong, but I just shook my head, because how do you say to someone, "oh, I just cried myself to sleep ever night for the past week, over you, so I'm a little messed up right now".
Finally, after way too much small talk, he brought it up. He told me that a mutual friend in their College guys group told him about my message to JF, and how pissed JF is. The friend said JF had always talked about me being in his future, but he also said he understands that Hottie wouldn't have know that. Hottie only heard JF talk about me, when he was visiting MY hometown, so thought it was casual.
And during our college days, when he and JF were super tight, Hottie remembers our long distance off and on thing, but he also remembers JF's local girlfriends, between our off and on days. JF is an extreme ladies man. Girls fall at his feet.
I fessed up to Hottie, that during the last couple years, JF and I barely saw each other (we live in different states) but his sporadic messages talked about us getting married, when he was done grad school.
JF had asked me to move to his state (only 2-3 hours away) I said no, and that he should move to me. JF said he'd consider it when he was done school. I told Hottie that I was an active participant of these conversations, but:
I never initiated them, the messages were very sporadic, like 1x every 3-4 months, like a "check-in". I really didn't believe him at all, I just went along with it. Once I started spending time with Hottie, even before we became romantic, I never ever said anything to JF about "our future".
To be clear, once Hottie and I were romantically involved, I didn't have ANY communication with JF. He didn't reach out to me during that time, and I didnt reach out to him. The first time I heard from him was last week, when he was coming to town and I had offered to meet him for coffee (to tell him about Hottie).
I told him Hottie I honestly felt that JF was just keeping me as a backup plan. If JF really cared about me, we'd just be together long distance. We didn't live THAT far apart.
But he'd say he only wanted to be together, when we lived in the same city, because we tried long distance before and it didn't work. Reality check: "we" didn't work. I should have stopped the silly future daydreaming but I thought it was harmless and the only person who could get hurt from it was me.
I apologized to Hottie for not being fully transparent, and for coming between him and his friend. He should have known the full story to make his decision. He thanked me for telling him everything now, and also thanked me for apologizing. He was a little stunned with my confession and said it made him feel like a bigger ass to JF.
He then said he was now conflicted with what to do. His intentions for the night were to see if we could get back together, officially this time, no sneaking around. But with the new info it made him feel worse about bro-code.
That DEVASTATED me. But I understood it, and felt I deserved it. We have the same group of friends, in town (this is not JF's group) and decided that we'll just put the past behind us, be mature, and move forward as friends since we'll keep running into each other.
We finished dinner and there was no more awkwardness or tension. It's so easy with him so it just felt natural. After dinner he suggested that we go for a walk. Sure, we always enjoyed walks together. We walked and talked for HOURS. Talked about everything other than "us". It was like we didn't want the night to end because we didn't want to say goodbye.
Finally, in the early hours of the morning we went to the car so he could drive me home. When we got to my place we talked for another 20 minutes. It started to get awkward, like how do we actually say goodbye? Then he said "forget this, I don't care anymore, do you think we should just be together???"
My heart stopped. I said "Of course I do! Dont forget JF has a girlfriend! He and I will never talk and likely never see each other again, he lives 200 miles away." But I reminded him that this will affect his friendships in his college guys group. I told him that he needs to decide, now that he has all the information.
He said that group only gets together a few times a year, as most of them live in different cities and states. The other guys wont hold it against him, but things will be awkward with JF for awhile. He's closer with our mutual friend group, that is in our town, anyway.
He said he'd is call JF's bestie in the morning, to tell him we are officially getting back together, and he's asking the bestie for advise: if he should call JF or message JF to tell him. Messaging sounds like the cowardly way but he knows JF well enough to think JF would prefer that. He'll do what the bestie thinks is best.
I told Hottie I don't want us to say we are back together until he tells JF, in case he changes his mind. My emotions can't do a roller-coaster again. I can't get my hopes up.
So we finally said goodbye (i would have slept in the car to avoid it), and he said he'll call me when its done. One sweet kiss, that took my breath away, and I went into my home, alone.
Now I feel numb. I'm waiting to hear from him. And no matter how hard I try to be calm, my hopes are already up....... I need to keep busy, what Netflix series should I binge while Im waiting??
Update #3 coming later: great news for me, but total drama for JF's poor gf (so I've been told). I can't talk now, Hottie and I are going out on a REAL date. We're official. ❤️
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
The entire conversation of you guys felt mature. You both absolutely deserve to be together if you want too no matter what the other guy is saying because, like you said, if he wanted to, he would! Binge watch something entirely opposite to romance drama like thriller, game shows to get your mind off it.
I'm annoyed that Hottie is so wishy washy. He needs to figure out what he wants (you) ASAP. He'd rather be friends with JF who's a cheating scum? If that's what he ends up wanting, block his ass and move on. A man who really wants you shouldn't be indecisive. Sorry you're going through this.
Alternative-Arm9608 (OP)
Hottie wanted us to be together this time. I was the one who said I wanted to wait until he told JF. I held him off this time.
I wonder how JF current gf would feel about him being so upset about this whole situation. Pls do t waste your time on JF and his antics. Do what feels right. How come no one hold JF accountable for his douchy behavior…. “Bro code” lol 😂 what about being decent human code. U had your chances JF and u blew it.
Alternative-Arm9608 (OP)
Oh, I have juicey tea on this. One of the college guys' girlfriends just called me. The GF found out. Drama, drama, drama! But I'll update later because Hottie just texted me: "We're offical, Ill be there in 15 minutes".