'AITA for secretly investigating my sister after her husband accused her of cheating?'
"AITA for secretly investigating my sister after her husband accused her of cheating?"
A few weeks ago, my brother-in-law (26M), I'll call him Rob, came to me (22F) and confessed that he thought my sister Emily (24F) was cheating on him. For context, Rob and I are good friends, and talk regularly at family gatherings and events.
He is an only child, but we've known each other long enough that he sees me as a sister. I've never known Emily to cheat on anyone, let alone her husband of 5 years, so at first I was skeptical of Rob's claim.
However, Rob told me that Emily had been acting distant, reserved, etc, and would evade the topic whenever he asked about it. I asked Emily if she was feeling alright, and she said she was fine.
I told Rob this, and he asked if I could "dig deeper" to see if there was truly was something going on. This threw me off further, since it seemed like he was just looking for dirt on Emily to justify something he'd done. So I told him to try being more firm in talking with Emily.
The next day, Emily calls me in tears and tells me Rob accused her of cheating, and she's devastated. She thought he accused her to hide his own cheating, so she made him give her his phone to go through, and found nothing.
It was at this point that I began to suspect something. At first, I had the same suspicion my sister had, but if she didn't find anything, then what Rob said began to make more sense.
Over the next week, I started paying more attention to where my sister was going. We both live on the main road of a small town, and she drives a very distinct vehicle. I started watching to see when she'd pass by each day, as well as asked Rob to see where she said she was going.
After a few days, I saw Emily driving by, when the gym she told Rob she was visiting was the opposite direction. She came back 2 hours later, and clearly never visited the gym.
At this point, I had reason to believe Emily did really cheat, and Rob seemed innocent. The next time I visited Emily, I asked if to use her laptop to do some shopping, and she let me have it. Turns out, she saved her passwords to everything on there, so I could sign in as her.
It took me ten minutes to find messages to a guy on Snapchat, and agreeing to meet up. The messages weren't really flirty, and they hadn't shared any pictures, but she'd agreed to meet a man in secret, which was enough for Rob to confront her.
Once again, I receive a call from my sister, screaming at me that I violated her privacy and broke her trust, and what I found was actually just chatting with a coworker, not cheating.
She accused me of trying to steal Rob, and basically said I was a terrible person for trying to ruin her life. I don't know what all her and Rob have said to each other, but it can't be pretty either.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
If he thought she was cheating HE should have followed up not get you involved.
While I agree with you that he should have followed up but from what I've read she did it all by herself. She was curious and she wanted to know who was lying and why. He only confided in her because he wanted to know if she knew anything. I wouldn't have told him what I found. I'd just say that he should check her computer and phone to be sure.
I'm not gonna judge what you did but you need to stay out of marital/couples' spats. Take my word on that. No matter what, someone's not gonna like you. And it's also possible that they both won't like you in the end when/if they resolve things.
Why would you try to help tho? You can totally ask and have a conversation with your sister on Rob’s behalf because you love them, but this is too freaking much. Yeah, you are the jerk. For even going along with all of this. Let them figure their lives out.
Unless you are a licensed private detective, you should stop snooping on your sister and BIL. Getting involved here will end up more damaging than minding your own business. YTA.
Why wouldn’t he just go in her laptop or secretly follow her? No need to have you do it.
You are the lowest of the low. Calling you a jerk would be too kind. This was nothing to do with you, it was between a married couple, your bil had no right to ask you to basically be his spy. If you were my sister, I would disown you. Oh, and incidentally, your sister may have a point re your feelings for her husband.
I wonder how many people calling you the jerk are actually just people who have cheated and expect family loyalty in covering it up or turning a blind eye so they don't have to be held accountable for their actions.
At the end of the day your sister is a liar and a cheat and deserves to be outed. She spent 2 hours with a guy she met up with for sex but didn't go through with it?? BS. She's just mad she got caught. I think you did the right thing. At least now you and Rob both know how sneaky, devious and manipulative your sister is and how capable she is of lying.
I wouldn't protect my sister either. I'd tell her to stop being a terrible person and wife and be honest and take accountability for her actions. Rob deserves better than being gaslit by his wife and told he's imagining things by her family.
When a friend or family member brings someone into our lives they expect us to adopt them on that same level that they bring them to us. So everyone saying shes a jerk.. imo wrong. They are both your family and where I am from we protect and hold our family accountable for actions.
I am very forward with my friends and have gotten into it with them about cheating. Don't do it around me and don't expect me to lie for you. Only people with questionable moral integrity, and likely the propensity to cheat, get mad about people outing a cheater.
The problem is always the person who cheated and the fallout is theirs to own. I think if it were Rob cheating and Rob's sibling caught him out and was honest the answers would be very different.