'AITA for secretly moving out of my BF's house while he's at work?'

"AITA for secretly moving out of my (31F) boyfriend's (42M) house while he's at work?"

Hello All! IN A FEW HOURS I AM ABOUT TO SECRETLY MOVE OUT. I will be giving live updates and I will do my best to provide as much context. So here we go ...

I (31 F) have been living with my boyfriend (42 M) for a little over 6 years. From the very start everything moved so fast and I jumped into a new life before thinking. There is so much to say about the 6 year history we have, mixed with good but a lot of bad. He is divorced with 2 kids.

The kids were 10 and 8 when we started dating ( now they are 16 going on 17 and 14 going on 15). I have no kids and never married but I do have the best lil pooch who is now 13 years old.

We have been "good" the last 6-8 weeks so this may come to a surprise. No, there were no recent big fights, we have been going about life in this routine- I wake up, go to work, come straight home, walk our dogs(oh we just adopted a new pup 7 months ago) cook dinner, clean up, shower and then bedtime. I do this EVERYDAY.

My boyfriend doesn't have a conventional job so he can go weeks or months without working. I have a stable 9-6 job M-F. So he's usually home while I'm at work.

Today is the first time he is going to work since the year started. After 6 years with him, it has never been easy to talk about hard topics or my feelings.

I always felt dismissed. To keep the peace I always felt I had to play "the part" he expected and wanted. I can admit I am a bit of a peoples pleaser and I do love very hard. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and hoped for things to get better.

At this point, I have isolated myself from my friends and family and I don't even recognize myself anymore. I want to be a wife and mother more then anything But I am afraid the way we are going is not leading there. I feel like my boyfriend is oky with just being boyfriend and girlfriend.

I have given everything I can - helping with the kids, doing all the cooking and cleaning, and prioritizing him by giving him all of my free time. He gets sensitive when I try to make plans that don't involve him and usually it leads to big fights until he guilts me to the point that I just gave up on a social life.

As I get closer to my 40's I am freaking out. Time is of the essence and i don't want to wake up in my 40's with regret. There is so much to say about the dynamic but long story short, I feel like the only way things will change is if there is a big change. We are both equally comfortable in this routine.

I know I am not living life the way I truly want. I have tried to bring up ways to change the dynamic but it usually leads to him telling me things that sound nice but it never happens. He's all talk and no action. When I try to act on the things we talk about, it leads to huge blow up fights. I do love him so much but I just can't live life like this. My sister is moving so there is an opportunity to take over her lease.

My plan is to leave before he gets home from work, and to write a Letter explaining myself. I don't want to brake up but I need him to start taking me and this relationship serious. I want us to be intentional and actually do the things we talk about. I wish I could talk to him instead of doing things this way, but I am afraid of a big fight happening. So, AITAH for secretly moving out while he's at work?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

toomuchswiping said:

are you moving out in attempt to get him to change in to the person that you want him to be? Because that's not going to work. If he was going to change, was capable of change, wanted to change, he's had six long years to do it and you leaving isn't going to lead to any lasting change.

He may be able to sustain a change for the short term to lure you back in, but it won't last and as soon as you come back he will backslide into the same old behaviors.

You need to accept that you and he are just not compatible. If you want to leave, then that's great- but you need to do it for YOU- so that YOU can move on and have the kind of life, and find the kind of person, that you want. Not in some misguided attempt to manipulate him into acting like the person you want him to be.

AubergineForestGreen said:

Why would this man change when he purposely chose a woman 11 years his junior to be a free nanny, bangmaid, and pay his bills. He’s living in the perfect dynamic where you give and he takes all. Of course he’s going to shut you down. The bangmaid should never have a voice to question him.

Don’t waste anymore of your good years on this loser. The fact that you have isolated yourself from your friends and family is so sad. Ask yourself what do you have to show for these 6 years you’ve given him? Leave but don’t try to stay with him.

Eli_1984_ said:

Do not tell him where you go and have your important papers with you. Take the dogs and vanish

Crazy-4-Conures said:

Why would you want to remain in a relationship where he isolates you from your friends and family - i.e. a support group - keeps you walking on eggshells because "he gets sensitive" and starts blow up fights, you do ALL the cleaning, cooking, pet care, as well as looking after HIS kids when "he has them", AND you work a full time job.

What good does he bring to the relationship? He's great when you're completely obedient and submissive? Is that who you are? If not, leave the letter and disappear from his life.

And greatbake2023 said:

Just go and never look back. He has no incentive to make any changes therefore he never will.