'AITA for secretly planning a surprise party for my son and not telling my wife?' UPDATED

"AITA for secretly planning a surprise birthday party for my son because my wife always makes his feel like an afterthought?"

I (38M) have three kids — two daughters (15 and 12) and a son (10). In the interest of privacy, Ava (15), Lily (12), and Caleb (10) NOT THIER REAL NAMES. This might take a while, but I honestly need to vent.

I love all my kids equally, but if I’m being honest, our household doesn’t always feel equal — especially when it comes to how my wife (36F) treats our son compared to our daughters.

My wife is incredibly close to Ava and Lily. And I get it—she connects with them via fashion, makeup, high school gossip, and girl stuff. It's fine. But it's built up over the years into overt favoritism. She gives them more leeway, buys them costlier items "just because," and practically never disciplines them the same way that she disciplines Caleb.

For example, Ava hasn't done the dishes in probably a year. Caleb, meanwhile, is to take out trash, vacuum, and do yard work. My wife brushes it under the rug with, "He's a boy. He needs the discipline. The girls are more fragile." That line never really sat well with me. But what's been irking me the most recently is the way she handles birthdays.

For Ava's birthday last year, my wife rented an outdoor party space and hosted this enormous "boho picnic" affair with fairy lighting, Ava and her girlfriends in matching outfits, and an actual photographer. Lily did a spa-themed slumber party with full-on decor and personalized robes for everyone.

Caleb, last year, got a supermarket cake, pizza, and a "Happy Birthday" sign that we neglected to tape up straight. And it wasn't that we didn't have money — we did. She simply said, "He doesn't care about that sort of thing like the girls do."

But I observe the way Caleb looks at their birthdays. He hasn't ever explained it, but I am certain he notices. And he deserves so. So I've started secretly planning a surprise birthday party for him. Me alone. I booked time at his favorite trampoline park, reached out to a couple of his closest friends at school, and I'm collecting party decorations around his favorite video game.

I went as far as to ask him, casually, if he'd order what kind of cake if he could have any cake on earth. His face lit up with a gigantic grin as he said "chocolate cake topped with cookies." Plain.

I haven't spoken to her about it. I know she's going to be angry. She gets ridiculously possessive over planning birthdays, but the thing is, when it comes to Caleb, she really doesn't go to the effort. She just knocks something together at the last minute and acts like that's all he's ever actually wanted.

I will let her know the night of the party. It's not a matter of playing games of power. I just didn't want her to shut it down without allowing it to have a chance. I want this one thing for him to be something memorable. I want him to be made to feel as precious as his sisters are. Because he is.

But now I'm second-guessing. I know she's going to accuse me of blindsiding her or trying to make her look bad, or playing favorites with Caleb. The irony there. I’m not trying to turn this into some parenting war. I’m just tired of watching him shrink into the background while his sisters get to shine. I know it’ll cause tension. I just don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.

TL;DR: My wife always throws amazing birthdays for our daughters but barely does anything for our son. I’ve been quietly planning a big surprise party for him by myself so he finally feels seen. I haven’t told her yet because I’m scared she’ll shut it down. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Mashcamp said:

I replied to this on AITA and you and her are both jerks. You've let this go on for years without stepping in to keep your son from experiencing pain. She for obvious reasons. Where have you been all the other birthdays? Letting her do everything then just showing up? If it's been bothering you so much, step the f up.

Apprehensive_War9612 said:

Posting this in another thread because people called you an AH for allowing your son to be abused all this time? You can’t offset the favoritism and abuse with a party that you have to do in a sneaky way because you know your wife will ruin it.

Be a man and start stepping up for your son. Or have you been so whipped and cowed by the queen bees in your home you have no backbone and want your son to grow into you? Or this is all bull 💩 ESH

KittyLune said:

Your wife sounds insufferable. I'd look into marriage counseling and figure out why she seems to despise Caleb so much that she doesn't put forth any effort for his birthday. Gender roles and "fragility" aside, you're certainly NTA.

Objective_Attempt_14 said:

NTA but you need to start calling her out on it in front of him and the girls. SO he knows you have his side...

BrookieMonster504 said:

So now you're a saint for having a party after letting your son abused for years.

He later shared this update:

Hi again, everybody. I just wanted to thank you all for the responses, advice, and encouragement. I wasn't expecting the kind of response I got on the first post. I've been reading hundreds of comments over the last day or so, and many of them… touched me deeply.

What struck me most was how many people who mentioned abuse. I didn't use that word at first. I was likely too close, too used to the dynamics of our household. But when I considered it from an external point of reference — if I'd heard another father describing the same situation with his wife and kids — I would have said abuse too. At least to Caleb. So… I talked to her.

I brought it up last night, just me and my wife sitting in the kitchen after the kids had gone off to their rooms. I was nervous — not that I was afraid of her or anything, but because I knew there was no way this could be said without things getting uncomfortable. But it needed saying. I started off slow. I said we needed to talk about Caleb. I said I thought we'd been hurting him without realizing it.

I mentioned how she treats the girls differently than him — how they can skip chores, get special attention and gifts, while he's held to higher expectations and gets little of the same attention.

First, she played dumb — like she really hadn't noticed. But when I gave her examples, she got defensive. She said I was being dramatic. That I was "reading too much into things." That I was "trying to make her out to be a bad mother." I said that wasn't the point — this wasn't criticism, this was a plea to do better for our son.

So I finally just put it out there plainly: "The way you're treating Caleb isn't favoritism anymore. It's abuse." That's when it blew up. She stood up immediately and said, "Excuse me? Did you just say I'm being abusive?" I told her that wasn't what I was doing — what I was doing was calling the behavior abusive, even if it wasn't intended to be.

She started screaming. She said I was manipulative, that I was trying to make her out to be a monster. I was calm — I told her I wasn't trying to argue, I was trying to open her eyes. I told her if Caleb was one of the girls and we were doing her this way, she'd lose her mind.

She said, "Well maybe that's because girls need more of their parents. Caleb's fine." I said, "No, he's not fine. He's a ten-year-old boy watching his sisters get fussed over and pampered and he gets a half-eaten sheet cake and a 'you're tough enough to not need this' pat on the back."

Then there was the fight about money. We couldn't afford a big party for him, she said.And I lost it. I reminded her of how much we had spent on Ava's birthday — on the matching outfits, the picnic setup, the photographer. I reminded her of Lily's monogrammed robes and handmade spa sets. I said, "We had money then. So why don't we have it for him?

We yelled. I am not proud of it. I don't yell, and it takes a lot to push me to that level. But I was frustrated. I was hurt. And I was tired of acting like this was normal. She finally told me, "If you think you are such a better parent, then go ahead and have your little party without me." Then she threw a bag together. Woke Ava and Lily up. And left. Told me she was going to her mom's house "until I come to my senses."

I haven't heard from her since. She didn't ask about the party. She didn't ask about Caleb. She just… left. So, yeah. Caleb's birthday is tonight. He has no clue about any of this. I'm not ruining his day. His friends are still invited. The trampoline park is booked.

The cake — chocolate with cookies on top — is in the refrigerator. He's so excited for it. He thinks his mom planned it. He said this morning, "I can't believe I get a party like Ava's this year." My heart sank when he said that. But I smiled and told him he deserves it.

I'll do a full update tomorrow after the party. I just needed to get this out. Thank you to everyone who helped me see what I did not want to see: Caleb is not overreacting. He is not imagining things. And he is not wrong to want to feel just as loved.

TL;DR: I confronted my wife about how we’ve been treating our son and called it what it is — emotional neglect. I said we needed to do better, especially for his birthday. She got angry, said we don’t have money to “spoil” him, and it turned into a heated screaming match.

She ended up storming out with our daughters and went to her mom’s house. Now I’m confused and hurt — I was just trying to stand up for our son, and she completely shut down and left.