'AITA for secretly recording an argument with my wife to prove that she's gaslighting me?' UPDATED

"AITA for recording an argument with my wife and asking her to listen to it with me?"

There has been tension brewing between us this weekend. She said that I haven't been affectionate with her. Sunday - I felt something was brewing so I pressed record on my phone that night. We had an argument and she left to sleep by herself downstairs. The recorder was rolling, but I haven't listened to it.

Today - we decided to drive to a lake boardwalk an hour away which would give us a chance to talk things out. We had always been great communicators and seldom have big fights. When we do, however, I feel my wife often contradicts my memory of events and says I twist things around to support my argument or make it about something I can win.

During the ride, the argument got heated. She argued that she puts in all the work in the marriage and if it wasn't for her, nothing would be done for the relationship. I disagree, I feel I have been loving and engaged, and this weekend is throwing things off. I feel that she is polarizing and catastrophizing this weekend. She feels I am stubborn and defensive.

By the time that we got to the boardwalk, she was telling me that I was twisting things around and that I said certain things at a certain point in the conversation, and I disagreed. So I said, I am recording this conversation. Let's listen back together and see what went wrong. I truly want to get to the bottom of this.

I come from a family of narcissists that I cut out of my life. I have been gaslit my entire life, where my parents would always contradict my memory to control the story. I was always skeptical of my own memory because of this. In past arguments when she has contradicted me, I had always said it's scary that I don't remember it that way and said that I should record it to know the truth, and she had agreed.

When I told her today that I recorded our argument, she broke down completely. She said I completely lost her trust, and if it wasn't for our son she would be walking out the door. She cannot believe that I would do this and not trust her word. I trust her completely with everything in my life, but when she contradicts my own memory repeatedly it concerns me.

I apologized that I did this and made her lose her trust, but I felt it was necessary for me to know what happened in the argument and why her memory was so different from mine, as I have mentioned in arguments prior. She said she would have agreed if I told her prior to hitting record and because I didn't tell her until after the argument, she feels that I have tipped the scales against her.

I think if I told her, this argument would have happened at that moment about me even considering it. I feel that I am NTA because I never planned to use this against her. I never touched or filtered the recording. I told her about it before finishing the recording (but after the start of the argument) and want to listen to it together with her. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

mssheevaa said:

NAH. She gaslights you and then gets pissed when you have proof. That's what needs to be talked about, not that you recorded her.

Sxntheticmemez said:

NTA. She could possibly be gas lighting you. I’m not saying she is, but it’s a possibility. Her blowing up about you recording the argument, increases the possibility. She can’t be mad about you recording the argument if you guys have agreed on it in the past. She’s the asshole in all ways possible. Seek counseling, please.

And MorganaLeFaye said:

YTA specifically because you decided to record her without telling her in advance. It feels like you are trying to trap her and prove to her that it's her memory that's faulty (or worse, that she's doing it on purpose to trick you) when chances are pretty good that you both have faulty memories and you both make mistakes.

One recording (which you knew about, so you would have been "prepared" for) is not going to help you identify that or get to the root of the problem. I know how it feels to be gaslit. I sympathise with you, and understand why you'd want to protect yourself from it. But this isn't going to do that.

He has since shared this update:

Thank you everyone for offering your insights. It seems the answers were mostly in two camps: YTA for recording or NTA for protecting yourself against gas lighting. I am the a$$hole here. I felt that my methods had merits because I wanted to discuss the recording before knowing what kind of content could be extracted from it.

But I have changed my view on this after some reflection and discussion. I should have let her know my intentions and got an ok before recording. Given our communication track record, there was no reason for me to do this in stealth. This was a projection from my family history. Beyond the idea of recording, I was seriously in the wrong in this argument.

She decided to sit down to listen to the recording with me after a long discussion. As we listened, I became shocked and embarrassed at my conduct. I did not address her concern, lectured her on what I need, and made multiple comments about being interrupted and not listened to during the argument. She was fair, used I feel statements and listened to my concerns, and in return I raised my tone.

I felt so strongly about how I remembered it, and misrepresented it during the argument. I was clearly in the wrong and couldn't put my shit aside to listen to her. I feel really guilty for putting her through this and losing her trust, but I think going through the recording together and discussing it helped things.

I am booking an appointment with a therapist to go through these issues. I think once I started cutting off toxic family, my ego boost hyperinflated my conviction of being right to feel how I feel, no matter the situation. And this has lead to me steamrolling the argument in cold manner. Thanks again everyone for your input.