'AITA for secretly teaching my niece manners because my sister is raising her to be 'free?'

"AITA for secretly teaching my niece manners because my sister is raising her to be 'free?'"

My sister (33F) is into this weird parenting thing where she lets her daughter Riley (7F) do literally anything. She calls it “gentle parenting” but honestly it just feels like no rules at all. Riley screams at strangers, throws food at people, talks over everyone, barks at waiters (yup that happened) and my sister just smiles and says “she’s expressing herself” and things like "I don't want to limit her personality."

I (27M) babysit her maybe twice a month. After a few times of getting food thrown at me and her yelling at my face, I decided to start teaching her some basic manners. Like saying please and thank you, waiting your turn, not hitting people, that kinda stuff. I didn’t make it a big deal, just small things while I was watching her.

Thing is…she didn’t fight it. First time I asked her to say thank you, she just said “okay” and moved on. Next time, she asked me if “being polite makes people like you.” Another time she said, “I don’t yell with you.” That one kinda hit me. Then last week at dinner, she corrected my sister and said “you forgot to say please.”

My sister flipped out. She said I’m “colonizing her daughter’s mind” and “teaching her to be submissive to authority” or whatever. She banned me from babysitting and made this long Facebook post about how I “undermined her parenting.” Now all her crunchy mom friends are in the comments calling me controlling and toxic.

Now Riley keeps asking when she can see me again. My mom’s on my side. Her husband’s staying out of it. I kinda feel bad but also don’t?? I just didn’t want my niece to grow up acting like a psycho in public.

AITA?

The internet had a lot to say about the situation.

wonderfulkneecap wrote:

You didn't even discipline her! You were trying to equip your niece with basic life skills that her mother is actively denying her!

I bet that kid already wishes her mother had the same parenting skills as her uncle.

How is it "freeing" for a child to be socially impoverished? This is up there with vaccine denial. One of the greatest, most important aspects of human existence is forming relationships with other people -- based on concepts like consideration, gratitude, reciprocity, generosity, and fairness. OP's sister isn't liberating her daughter. She's outright oppressing her. NTA.

parkerjotter wrote:

That’s permissive parenting, not gentle parenting. The term gentle parenting is so misunderstood and misrepresent because of people like her. Gentle parenting is having firm boundaries with your kids like behavior, respect for others, etc. They actually like firm boundaries, and it pays dividends for the rest of their lives!

DodgeWizard wrote:

NTA. I am a single father with a four-year-old and let me repeat: You. Are. Not. The. AH. Honestly, you were probably the best thing in that child’s life for the little time she had you.

AdeptKaleidoscope790 wrote:

Is this child being homeschooled? Because, as a 20-year teacher, I can tell you, all she has to do is meet the "right" kid in the "wild" and she and her parents will learn very quickly that your average person, will not put up with this.

And then she will have to explain to her child how her poor parenting put her in dangerous situations. Because other kids are taught to protect themselves and this little girl sounds dangerous.

DaniCapsFans wrote:

Your sister is nuts. Teaching children basic manners--please and thank you, not throwing food, not screaming at others--isn't colonizing anyone or teaching them to be "submissive to authority." It's teaching them to be a decent human being.

There are healthy and unhealthy ways to express oneself. A healthy way to express yourself is writing compositions, drawing, art, that sort of thing. An unhealthy way is screaming, hitting, and throwing things.

And why on earth is your BIL not getting involved in his own daughter's upbringing? He needs to speak up to his wife and let her know that her "gentle parenting" is going to result in someone who can't function in society.

NTA.

EmploymentOk1431 wrote:

NTA. Just read a post from a teacher who said that they can teach most every appropriate and necessary lesson/ skill. What she can’t do is teach a child the concept of No.

As in, No, you can’t stay indoors during a fire drill. No, you cannot stand on the table. No, you can’t take someone else’s lunch bc you like theirs better.

That gentle parenting is ultimately a way of abandoning/ avoiding the role. And long term sets a child up for a harsh reality, ie. fewer friends, more awkward social interactions, poorer work performance and fewer promotions. You sister has drunk the Kool Aid. How unfortunate for her child. Good luck!

Lovely_Fish_34 wrote:

NTA. My aunt and uncle gentle parent my cousin. Iv seen first hand how it can work and how it does work. She’s a child, she cries when she doesn’t get her way. They don’t let her get away with this. They don’t scream or yell at her, they don’t hit her. But they explain why she can’t act up, and give reasonable consequences. THAT'S what gentle parenting is. Not just letting your kid do whatever.

mermaidpaint wrote:

One of the biggest brats I ever met had "free" parents. They explained to us that they don't correct their children, their children are to discover themselves and make their own decisions. We had an SCA event on my brother's wooded property that borders on a pond and a major road. The brat was about nine or ten.

She took a younger child with her into the woods. We lost over an hour, going through the woods and around the pond, calling for them, and driving down the road. They were found safe, but the family wasn't really welcomed to events after that. So NTA at all. A balance can be found between "free" and "sl#ve to society's norms."