'AITA for buying my daughter a gift when I didn’t buy my fiancée’s kids one?' UPDATED
"AITA for buying my daughter a gift when I didn’t buy my fiancée’s kids one?"
My (30M) daughter’s (14F) nintendo switch completely stopped working earlier this week. She got it the month it was released (March 2017) and has kept it in good condition for over 6 years.
Yesterday she had her conference cross country meet, where she both PR’d and qualified to run state. To celebrate her new achievements, I took her out to eat and then bought her a new nintendo switch with a game she picked out.
My fiance (38F) came back from her parent’s earlier today and saw my daughter playing with her switch. She asked me about it after my daughter left with her boyfriend and I told her that I wanted to celebrate her accomplishments in her running career so I got her a new switch as a gift.
Fiance then got really angry and told me that if I’m going to buy my daughter something then I have to be fair and buy her own kids (19F, 16M, 13M) something too.
I pointed out that I do buy her kids gifts when they reach goals and achievements too (for example, I bought my stepdaughter an expensive hello kitty necklace as a high school graduation gift and I let both the boys pick out two video games when they both passed their final exams).
She told me that it’s unfair I spend more on my daughter than I do on her kids because I make a lot more than her. Fiance then got angrier and accused me of not liking her kids because of the different financial treatment between her kids and my kid. She left with her two sons, but her daughter stayed with me at the house because she’s on my side.
I got a bunch of texts from her family calling me a selfish a%$le for treating her kids differently when buying gifts. AITA?
EDIT:
To answer some common questions, because there’s a lot of comments and it’s hard to get to all of them in a timely manner.
“How does your fiance treat your daughter?” My daughter and fiance don’t interact much. They’re both polite to each other, but they simply don’t talk much aside from small talk and my daughter asking her some questions about cooking food.
I have mentioned to my daughter before that if my fiance ever were to mistreat her, she needs to tell me and I will always have her back no matter what. To my knowledge, my fiance DOESN’T mistreat her at all. They just don’t talk much.
“Do you have a will or trust fund in place?” I have a will set up that gives my daughter everything, my will is safe with a very trusted lawyer friend of mine. I also have a trust in place for my daughter, and she will gain full access to it once she turns 21.
“Did you have this argument in front of her children?” No, she called her kids down and told them what we were arguing about. I told them my side, and her sons took her side and left with her.
“What is your relationship like with her kids? How are they with your daughter?” My relationship with her sons is unfortunately minimal. I try to talk to them about their favorite topics or hobbies and they either ignore me or shut the conversation down as soon as possible.
I don’t talk to them much either other than when they come to me for advice on things like school, friends, etc. My relationship with her older daughter is very good though, I’d like to think we are close. As for my daughter, she doesn’t talk to her stepbrothers much but she’s extremely close with her older sister.
Hope this clears up some things. To clear up another few common things being mentioned, my fiance has not always been this way with my daughter and me. She started getting much more defensive when my daughter finished middle school.
I am not with my fiance for physical intimacy, my drive is low and so is hers. Her children’s father is not in their life and does not pay child support, my daughter’s mother is not in her life either.
Here's what top commenters had to say:
patramavana said:
NTA. You're not even married and already this kind of drama has started? Red flag! If she's that particular, she can buy them gifts as well. Or you both could discuss and get all your kids appropriate gifts together!
AstronautNo920 said:
NTA and maybe reconsider marriage.
roxywalker said:
NTA and if you want foreshadowing of what to expect if you proceed with marriage; you’ve got it right here.
Mysterious_Win_2051 said:
NTA. You only replaced her old Nintendo Switch so technically it wasn’t a new gift. Also, you should be able to buy your daughter a gift and not expect to but everyone else a gift. How long have you two been together?
No-Gap2946 said:
NTA - that’s absurd. You buy gifts for her kids when they have similar achievements.
NatashOverWorld said:
So, she's angry that you buy gifts for her kids because they're not as expensive? But she doesn't say anything about that until you replace your daughters switch .... worrisome. Is she interested in you or your wallet? NTA.
UPDATE:
I wanted to thank everyone for the positive feedback, and the kind support as well as the helpful advice I’ve gotten. A lot of people asked for an update after I have talked to fiance, so here you go.
She came back at 12 in the morning alone, she said she left the boys at her parent’s place because she doesn’t, in her words, “want them in the presence of a man who won’t provide for them.” I sat her down and talked to her about a lot of things and a lot of you were right, this is not the woman I want to marry.
When I first brought up how she doesn’t bring anything to the table when I pay for everything, she didn’t want to talk about it and kept dodging the subject. I brought up how unfair it was of her to expect me to provide for her and her children when she doesn’t do anything for my daughter and the bare minimal for me.
She doesn’t do house chores, she doesn’t pay bills (except her and her daughter’s car payments and car insurance), and she spends minimal time with both me and my daughter. Fiance didn’t say anything.
Then I talked about the financial and emotional abuse, she freaked out. She started yelling about how it was my job as the man to provide for her and her kids, when I make so much more than her and they have no father figure.
I’m all they had and she kept bringing that up as an excuse for her behavior towards my money and how I spent it on my daughter. When I asked her what she expected me to do about my will or a prenup she told me that any good husband would put his wife above everyone else. She had been banking on me giving her everything I had for over a year at this point.
I don’t like yelling at all but I was at my breaking point with her at this point, we yelled at each other a lot. It’s not my finest moment and I’m ashamed but I realized that I let so much happen and my daughter suffered as a result of it.
I told her about her neglect towards my child and I will not tolerate it any longer. She is my number one priority over everyone else and always will be. I don’t think fiance believed me when I said that but I guess she realized I was serious when I told her to start packing.
I’m done being an ATM for that lady, and it’s crazy to think how strangers on an app made me realize how I was stuck in such a toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship with her. My (now ex) fiance won’t be a problem anymore, I hope.
I don’t think I’ll be with another person for a long time, but thank you to everyone for the support and kindness.
My ex’s daughter will be staying with me and I will financially support her through college, and I will also help her get her own place. Her and I are on good terms and I want to make sure my ex will not be using her as a token to manipulate me any further.