'AITA for wanting to send my daughter to a weight loss camp against her dad's wishes?'

"AITA for wanting to send my teen daughter to a weight loss camp?"

My daughter (15) is 5'6 and the last time she weighed herself at the doctor's office she was morbidly obese. She was always a chubby kid who loved food and hated activity no matter how much her dad and I tried to get her to dance, play sports, go on walks with our dog etc. she would refuse.

I regret not taking her to a nutritionist earlier, but I thought that she would go into puberty and her weight would eventually be okay. Unfortunately, when she was 11 her dad and I decided to get a divorce. No special reason, it just wasn't working. We coparent well, we're friendly, we go on trips with out daughter etc., but the divorce impacted her negatively at first.

She started gaining a lot of weight around that time so we decided to take her to a nutritionist who recommended therapy for her. She initially lost about 15lbs but she was already very dependent on food. Now, she's a food addict.

Her emotional eating was something she used to cope with the divorce until she adjusted, but now it's all about compensating for not having friends, compensating for not being ''pretty'', compensating for not being liked by boys etc.

She still goes to therapy regularly, she doesn't suffer from depression or another health condition that might cause her weight gain, she is simply addicted to food and at her vulnerable age, mentioning her weight to her makes her very upset and uncomfortable.

Her dad and I both know this and it's been causing arguments between us. I'm a very active, fit person and I try to lead by example - no junk food allowed in the house, I cook as much as I can or I get healthy meal delivery - and this makes me the bad guy.

She's into the whole body acceptance movement and she sold the story to her dad who now allows her to raid his pantry and they eat junk together just so he wouldn't upset her because she's daddy's little girl. He's happy that he gets to be the good guy and I'm the villain who doesn't want her daughter to settle because I want her to live past 35.

I encourage her to love herself, I want her to embrace how amazing she is but I don't want her to accept her condition as something normal that can't be changed. I'm tired seeing how miserable she is because of her weight and I'm tired of thinking about all the diseases that could kill her.

I found a great weight management treatment facility (*edited instead of camp because it's very different from the infamous fat camps) for teens that's 6 hours away, I've done my research but her dad doesn't want to sign for her to go there from January to July. We can visit her and she can come home once a month, she can go to school there, make friends and get healthy.

He says that I'm being a selfish asshole and that our daughter doesn't want to go. She told me that she will think about it but I think that her dad is loving his role as her superhero because they've bonded in the past months, and will encourage her not to go. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Jaykaybabay said:

NAH. I’m speaking as someone who also grew up fat and used food as a coping mechanism- which I’m still unlearning- and ballooned to 340 lbs before I was 25 years old. My mom was basically you. The more she talked about it, the more I snuck food or found ways to binge in private. It got even worse when I could drive. Do not force her to go to fat camp. It will make it worse.

Keep being a good role model, encourage healthy behaviors, don’t nag about her weight, and love her where she’s at. She will come to her own conclusion about her weight eventually. For me, I was 27 and couldn’t get under 300 lbs no matter how hard I tried and I began working with a weight loss clinic. I had weight loss surgery earlier this year.

I’m now active and a hiker and am 197. Do I wish I’d done it sooner? Yup. But do I also wish I didn’t feel like a fat disappointment to my mom for most of my life? Even more so. I know you’re doing what you’re doing bc you love your daughter, but she’s not receiving it as love.

EllyStar said:

I’m going to reserve my judgment, but this is classic, clear-cut disordered eating. Many many therapists have very little training around eating disorders, and it’s already a very difficult area of psychology. Before you send her away from you for six months, you should see a therapist who specializes in eating disorders.

My best friend has been in and out of various treatment programs for eating disorders for years now. She is in the mental health field herself, and she tells me all the time how incredibly difficult it is to find medical help from somebody who knows what they’re talking about when it comes to eating disorders. They’re beastly, and I wish your daughter the best.

MelkorHimself said:

Considering you've attempted all the obvious avenues, I'll say NTA. The only stop after here is gastric bypass surgery, but that won't teach your daughter good habits. A lot of people who get that procedure gain the weight back anyway.

It seems to resolve this permanently you will have to take your ex-husband to court and amend the parenting agreement to include your daughter's nutrition.

OP responded:

That's what I'm worried about. I would fight the devil himself for my daughter's wellbeing but taking her dad to court would further mess everything up. She's already prediabetic, at risk of heart failure, has trouble walking up the stairs and just about fits in the passenger seat.

I don't want my daughter to end up like those people from My 600lb life and similar shows. But her dad isn't ready to step up as a parent and put her physical health first. I'm fine with her not liking me as long as she gets to live. I feel like she wants to go but like I said, her dad is probably encouraging her not to.

[deleted] said:

NTA, Dad is 100% TA. slightly unrelated but have you considered getting sole legal custody of your daughter?

It seems Dad is being uncooperative by letting her eat however she wants when she is with him, sole legal custody would put you in charge of her healthcare.

This might make you look more like the bad guy though if Dad pushes that agenda, but it could end up helping your daughter in the long run. Not 100% sure this would work so consult an attorney and see what they say first.

OP responded:

He's currently her favorite person in the world. If I did that, I'm positive that she would refuse any and every suggestion I made and would eat herself to death. Right now she's kind of aware of what he's doing with his manipulation but she doesn't mind it because he gets her all the food she wants.

Being nice to him and trying to convince him to sign the papers if she decides to go is my best bet now. If she refuses to go or if he refuses to sign, I will go to court because I won't let him kill our daughter with food.

[deleted] said:

INFO does this camp offer emotional therapy as well? You watch My 600lb Life, right? She may not be depressed but this sounds like emotional eating, especially with you and dad not being on the same page. I know you say you and dad coparent well, however, that's not what it looks like. You two need to be on the same page - especially on the household nutrition front.

OP responded:

Yes! The focus on everything and take a special approach with each individual. They treat both mental health and physical health. We really did do a good job up until a few months ago, we would travel together with her, go out, throw birthdays, spend quality family time etc., but not anymore

Mythman1066 said:

YTA. Unless I misunderstand, you’re sending her away to an overnight camp where she’ll stay away for several months? That sounds humiliating. She’s being removed from her home, school, and entire environment, and being sent to a camp specifically for something she is incredibly insecure about.

The whole time she’ll just be feeling that burning shame of being sent to a fat camp. It would be better to address the addiction at home and make sure she has a proper support group.

LynnieFran said:

NTA but her dad sure is by supporting her unhealthy habits. Does this place NEED both parents consent? Maybe talk to him again and try to make him understand that her health is much more important than his superhero complex? Maybe get him to attend a family therapy session or two if you need more help getting him to put your daughter first.

OP responded:

Unfortunately it does unless I take it to court. I've talked to him over and over again, I have just a couple of weeks left to enroll her before it's too late. He's always had a good relationship with her but I was her number 1, now he thrives off the fact that he brings her joy and comfort through food

She later shared this edit to her original post in response to commenters:

The facility does have therapists, specialists, doctors and all types of health professionals. They do have ED programs that she would be a part of and she would be in touch with her current therapist because she has a hard time opening up to new people, so that would help her.

I double and triple checked everything and talked to so many parents and employees, but it's ultimately her choice. My fear is that her dad will cloud her judgment by bribing her with food.

Thank you guys for all of your responses. I've received a lot of great advice, your own experience with ED, personal stories, support and empathy. I appreciate all of it. I'll no longer be replying to comments because I find myself trying too hard to reach people who are twisting my words and using them against me.

Maybe I'll post an update within the next few weeks when something happens, but things definitely will change around here. Again, thank you all!