Mom shames deadbeat dad with receipts after ex-MIL claims she’s 'living off' his child support. AITA?
"AITA for sending 'Child Maintenance' statements to my ex-MIL?"
I (35f) split up with my ex just over a year ago. We had some issues with getting him to provide for our son (now 8). His parents were very much interested in the drama. When I made an application through official "Child Maintenance Service" and he received a schedule listing his monthly payments.
His parents contacted me asking to agree to an unofficial payment plan, because the CMS amount was just too much, claiming that getting a lower amount agreed between us was better than not receiving a single penny through CMS. I refused, deciding that having this agreement on paper and not receiving it would still be better than maybe getting something.
My ex didn't make a single payment and lost his job shortly after. His child maintenance amount was recalculated granting him payments of £7-ish/week, which he still refused to pay, which then caused the CMS to collect the money themselves and charging him (and me) some extra fees for the service.
His parents were very much aware of it, and complained about it, especially about the fees [he gets charged 20%] and about the arrears that are still on the account. I'm sorry for the long intro, but I find it important.
To the issue- it was my son's birthday last week. I took time off and took him on a 2 short stay at one of the UK's theme parks. When his dad and his family found out I received a call from his mother complaining that now that I live off her poor son I can afford taking my kid to trips like this and making his dad look bad in comparison.
For context- we've been to multiple theme parks over the years, including last year, when my ex still refused to pay a penny for his son. I couldn't help but laugh [in hindsight, I appreciate that it was immature, I just couldn't collect my self quickly enough] and told her not to contact me about this "issue" again.
Well, she messaged me shortly after. I received a wall of text basically telling me off for making her son struggle, when I spent his money on memories and making myself look like the better parent.
I couldn't take the BS and took two screenshots:
holiday booking confirmation (including hotel, park tickets etc).
Total Child Maintenance payments received in the last year.
I sent it to her with a note: "Has your poor son sponsored our trip or has he taken active part in providing for [son's name] over the last year? You can't claim both. Pick one, please."
In response I received more angry messages from both ex-MIL upset about being called out like that, and from my ex, who was angry that I got his mother involved and that I pointed out how bad he is at providing for our son. I don't think I got her involved, but my opinion may be skewed, so here I am, asking: Reddit- AITA?
EDIT: I thought I'd edit the post to answer the most repeated question:
I've been in touch with my ex in-laws solely to allow them to stay in touch with my son.
They have a good relationship with him, but they struggle to make arrangements with my ex to have proper grandparent- grandchild time during my ex's custody times. It's worked quite well in the last months.
I do agree with you guys- this incident just made me want to seize all contact with my exMIL and I will contact them letting them know that from now on I'd like them to make alternative visitation arrangements between themselves, so I can have some peace and quiet.
Your comments about being TA to myself made me realise that in attempts to keep my child happy and have contact with his extended family I've given them too much freedom to try to butt in and comment on my own life.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. 1 - They wanted to f*** around...now they're finding out. 2 - YOU didn't involve the MIL, SHE involved herself. 3 - I wonder where your ex got his 'I shouldn't have to be mature and responsible when I can just complain instead' trait?
NTA. This is giving everything. I don't think you went far enough. "Bless your heart, are you embarrassed by your dead beat son? It's hard to raise good kids, isn't it." Keep your receipts and use them every time.
NTA. Fantastic reply - legend status for you! But seriously, just block her number and stop communicating with her. Your ex can deal with his mother - there’s no reason for you to waste your time with her.
I had an ex like this. The payment calculated was next to nothing, but he still wanted a different agreement between us for less. I had it collected from the start, he worked under the table to avoid it. Luckily I didn't have his parents to deal with like you do, I feel for you.
From the moment I got divorced I promised myself that I wouldn't let his issues decide our lives. I took my kid on trips and to theme parks and put him through private school on my own. He is grown and his dad was never a part of his life. He never missed him. NTA, and good on you. You're a good mom.
NTA Why oh why is it ok for people to not pay proper child support? And why oh why do people think they can comment? Tell his mother you are bringing your son up to be a responsible productive man, maybe she should take some notes to fix where she went wrong.
NTA. Of course he’s telling her he’s paying more than requested and you’re blowing it. Now that she knows the truth he’s upset. Block her completely.