Woman sends biological son to boarding school, keeps autistic 'affair child' after husband dies. AITA?
"AITA for sending my biological son to a boarding school and keeping my autistic stepdaughter with me after my husband died?"
My husband slept with another woman (his former girlfriend) while married to me and that resulted in them having a daughter. My husband only found out about his daughter after her mom died in a car accident.
His daughter was 5 years old at the time and our biological son was 4. Although it took me some time, I eventually came to love and accept my stepdaughter as my own.
I don't even refer to her as a "step" child in real life - she is my daughter. My daughter has autism. My husband died from cancer a year ago. My daughter did not take the news well. She still hasn't accepted her father's death and is waiting for him to come back.
I knew it would be difficult to handle both my son and daughter all on my own especially given my daughter's mental condition and her inability to accept her father's death.
Leading up to my husband's death, my son had also been a bit difficult to handle. Around his birthday, he stole a significant amount of money from my purse, lied to the school headmaster that his grandfather had died, and then skipped class to watch a movie.
So I decided to send my son to a boarding school. I felt he would get a better education there and I would be able to dedicate more time towards my autistic daughter's needs. My parents were shocked when I told them my decision.
They said that if I wanted to send someone to a boarding school, it should be my daughter as she is, in their words, 'my husband's illegitimate child' and not my daughter. My son was in tears begging me not to deliberately send him away. He offered to mend his relationship with his (half) sister and listen to everything I said.
As tough as it was, I dropped him off in the car hugged him goodbye. It's been about year since then and my son is refusing to come back home for the holidays or maintain a relationship with me.
He thinks I am only a mom to my daughter and wants to stay away. I've tried calling him on the phone and even visiting him at the hostel but he is not receptive towards me. I was only trying to do what's best for both kids. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
YTA. You don’t mention your son’s reaction to his father’s death, or him coping with a (newly found) sibling with high needs and the attention he presumably lost when she joined the family. Yet you focus on YOUR acceptance of the stepdaughter and probably want a medal for it.
You are the ONLY parent your son has left and it sounds like you began to emotionally abandon him even before his father died. I really hope you aren’t expecting him to care for you (or your exceptional needs daughter) when you are unable to. You reap what you sow.
Yta. You abandoned your son when he was struggling with his fathers death and his mother choosing his half sister instead of him. He stole some money and ditched school and your reaction was to abandon him to a boarding school. You are a horrible mother, and you lost your son. You are just to dumb to realise it. I hope this isn’t real. Poor kid lost 2 parents.
YTA. You did not do what was best for your kids. You did what was best for you. You could not handle both kids so you ditched one of them. All of your explanations don’t change the fact that your son did a few bad teenager things and you used that as an excuse to send him away.
The only way back from this is to take total accountability for what you did, ask him to come home so you can rebuild…and that is if he wants to. For him, it would have felt no different than had you just dropped him off at social services. Of course he doesn’t want anything to do with you, why would he? You showed him he is worth nothing to you.
YTA, but you didn’t do the best for your son and wow you’re a horrible and cruel mother to him. His father died and had another kid. You will have to accept the fact he will no longer be in your life anymore. You made your choice and he saw it as did your parents.
Your only choice was boarding school? It seems you did what was easiest for you and not what was best for your kids. You will now have to live with the consequences of your actions. You have lost your son you have to accept that.
You legit left out how your son feels You abandoned. Him! That man was his dad to and you just oh well my husband had an affair and gave me a daughter so thats all i need YIKES YTA and its your own fault your son dont talk to you this is disgusting your poor son he needed his mom and you basically told him he dont matter.
YTA. Your son was most likely coping with your husband death, while I sympathise with your situation what you did has and will have lasting effects on your relationship with your son.
In a time when he needed you, you sent him away even after he begged. Prioritising your daughter in this situation was cruel and made him, I'm sure, deeply suffer. Don’t force him to come back, but if he does be, ready to have one hell of an apology. However, even if you do apologizem I’m not sure he will forgive you.
YTA. You abandoned your son when he was acting out because he was grieving his father’s death. What kind of monster does that? And then to know you sent him away and kept a child that isn’t even biologically yours, is another slap in the face to him. You’ve now ruined any chance of a relationship. If he has kids later in life, you likely won’t be allowed around them either.
While I get the stressors, you essentially booted your son in the aftermath of his father's death to deal with things on his own... yet you're surprised he now doesn't want to deal with you? YTA. Good luck repairing that relationship.