'AITA for serving divorce papers to my ex at his job the day before he thought he was coming back home?' + UPDATE
"AITA for serving divorce papers to my ex at his job the day before he thought he was coming back home?"
I'm sorry, this is really long. Back story: I (59F) was married to my now ex (57M) we'll call him Ed for 10 years, together for 13, but originally met him 40 years ago as teenagers. He was in my circle of friends but we never dated.
We used to live in Florida, but when I was 19 I moved back to Michigan where I am originally from. 27 years later I went back to the city in Florida where I used to live to visit friends. I ran into Ed while on vacation and we began talking on the phone daily. Three months later he left Florida and moved in with me. Three years later we were married. (Not my first but his first)
We had our ups and downs but mainly we got along fine and didn't argue much. He would throw tantrums if things didn't go his way and would "punish me" by sleeping on the edge of the bed, which was fine with me or he would not talk to me and slam things.
Two years into our marriage things went horribly wrong when he got into drugs. It was horrible. One night I finally had enough and was on the phone with my MIL telling her I was sending back to Florida when the Sheriff's department knocked on my door. Someone had found my husband unconscious in a ditch a block from our house. (We lived in a small village with woods across the street.)
I raced to the hospital and didn't recognize him when I saw him. He was so swollen and bruised. Now, my husband was a man who could fight and he was strong. Come to find out it took 3 men to do this.
They thought they could rob him since it was pay day but he had been home and purposely left his wallet at home. I sat with him 24/7 while he was in Neuro/Trauma ICU. I slept on a couch in his room, I prayed over him, I bathed him and took care of him even after he came home.
This actually saved his life. He got clean and went back to work full time, always putting me and my grandson first before his needs. He went to work and came home. That's it.
Four years later I finished my education and became an ordained Priest and have been the pastor at my church ever since. At first he didn't mind, but then he would say things like "I didn't sign up for this" even though I never pushed church on him.
I knew he believed in God and he prayed daily. I would invite him to Christmas and Easter service and he also came when I ordained and when my grandson, who calls him Grandpa, was baptized.
For several years things were really good. Then suddenly he began coming home from work, showering, changing clothes and leaving. At first he said it was to watch whatever sports was playing on TV because we didn't have live TV. Then he told me he'd be back whenever he got back. Then, things went back to how they were.
We laughed a lot, we joked around, and I began getting the usual kiss goodbye before he left for work. One night, he had done his laundry, like he always did and I talked to him while he was folding it. He never wanted me to do his laundry so that wasn't new. We ended the night laughing as he was trying on old clothes.
The next morning I woke up and went out to the living room to ask what time he had to be at work but he was gone. I assumed he had to be there early. I walked back into the bedroom and saw his keys on the bed which made me wonder why he would walk to work on such a cold day.
It was December 1st. I started leaving the bedroom again and noticed his laundry basket missing so I went to the laundry room and it wasn't there. I went back into the bedroom and noticed his closet empty.
I called him to see where he was and asked if he had moved out and of course his answer was yes. Come to find out he had met a woman at his job who works for one of those shopping apps where people buy and deliver your groceries. (He worked for a large grocery store chain)
He had moved in with her. Over the next 6 months he called almost daily and would say things like "Our marriage will survive this, just give me time" He even told me he would be mad if I began dating.
During one of our phone calls he told me he wasn't happy with her and was going down to Florida to visit family. He said he wanted to come back to me when he came back to Michigan.
The plan was this... He would pack things that he couldn't live without but leave things at his new gf's house to make her think he was coming home to her. He planned on giving his 2 week notice while gone and planned on looking for another job when he came home.
By this time I knew I didn't want him back. I found my self worth again and had made new friends with neighbors once he was gone. Come to find out nobody liked him. Even the women at the gas station across the street told me how he flirted with them when he came in. Even an Elder at my church found out he was cheating but didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt me.
So I went to the courthouse and got a divorce package and filled out all of the paperwork. Where I live I was able to serve him myself. I decided that since he chose to end our marriage while working at the store, I would officially end it there.
So, the day before he was supposed to fly to Florida I made sure I looked really good. New hairstyle, make-up, and my outfit was sexy. I went to his job, found him, and handed him the divorce papers. I told him that he was wrong.
Our marriage wasn't surviving this. You should have seen his face. He was actually upset with tears in his eyes and for a moment I felt bad. Then I reminded myself what he had done to me.
He didn't just leave me in the middle of the night, but he stopped talking and doing things with my grandson who thought Grandpa was the greatest. He left me in a house that I couldn't afford without him, and I would have been homeless if my church wouldn't have paid for an apartment.
He told me women were stupid. He actually thought he could come home as if nothing happened. That was one thing he said to me on the phone because I never brought up the past.
Last week, six months after our divorce was final, my car was repossessed. When we were together he got two loans and I agreed to use my SUV as collateral because I never pictured my life without him. He stopped paying on his loans so they took my car.
I wasn't notified because they sent him the letters. They wanted me to pay off his loans to get it back. I burst out laughing and said that will never happen. So, my question is was I the AH for serving him the way I did?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Wow I can't believe he would still try and say the marriage would survive from the phone at his girlfriend's house. NTA.
Acaica65 (OP)
All of his calls were while he was on his lunch break at work.
Truly, there's not enough bad that can happen to this human vermin. Did he violate any court orders when he defaulted on the 2 loans and caused the repossession? By the way, your grandson is best served to have no contact with this Jekyll/Hyde persona.
Acaica65 (OP)
Unfortunately no he didn't. I had forgotten about the loans when I filed the divorce. We always had separate accounts. What made me mad was when I called our credit union about my car being gone and they got rude and told me they sent me a letter to my church.
They didn't know I am the pastor. I said... I AM the pastor and all of the mail gets put on my desk. There was never a letter. That was last Monday. Then on Wednesday a letter from the CU came stating my was was going to be taken.
They mailed it to me the same day I called. Two days after the car was taken. I'm not inconvenienced without a car. My daughter and grandson moved in with me and we share her car now.
Wow... the audacity of guys like him. "I can go cheat, but I'll be mad as heck if you do!" and "Her serving me divorce papers totally blindsided me!" "Our marriage will survive." HA! Rich. 🙄😒 Like his marriage to you was HIS say alone. NTA.
Ten days later, the OP returned wih an update.
Here's what happened since my post. I found out where my car was being held at. (Two cities away) When I went to their website I discovered that it's also the location where they sell the repossessed cars during an online auction. They hold it every Monday for 24 hours.
I called and asked if I could have my belongings out of it and they said yes. When I arrived they had my things in a bag, including my license plate. I registered online and this past Monday began bidding on my car. I ended up buying my car for $2700.
When I showed up to get my car the people laughed and said I'm not the first person to do this. I put my plate back on and came home. Now, I know the bank can still come after me for the balance, but I honestly don't care if it hits my credit report.
I don't use credit cards, and in October my daughter closed on a brand new house. I had no other bills except my cell and utilities. I'm now living with her and my grandson.
I was lucky enough to have enough time in to retire when my Muscular Dystrophy began causing more health issues and that money goes to my other bank. My MIL was happy to give me his new address so I can sue my ex for my half of our income tax return that he kept last year.
She's even having us (me, daughter, grandson) stay with her when we visit Florida during my grandson's spring break. She's still calling Ed's gf Teresa, Trina, Tracy, everything except her name which does start with the letter T. I love this woman. AITA for serving divorce papers to my ex at his job the day before he thought he was coming back home?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
He really expected her to put up with everything and be oh so grateful that he wanted to come back, because his girlfriend wasn't cutting it? It always baffles me, the amount of 'forgiveness' some men expect women to have.
How low is the bar for women that she was okay with him living with his mistress and still talking to him daily?
How in the world did he think he could leave in the middle of the night to be with his mistress and still have a wife to come back to when he inevitably regrets his decision?
Love how he was like "I will get mad if you start dating" while dating and living with his AP... God some people have the self awareness of a potato and a sock...
I'm flabbergasted. He must've thought because she stuck with him through the drugs, babysat him through his recovery, and became a Priest/Pastor that she wouldn't divorce him. Alternatively, he didn't think. Probably didn't think.