Husband calls wife’s custody filing 'vile' after he demanded divorce and no support. AITA?
"AITA for serving my husband divorce papers when he wanted a divorce?"
Purplepeepeater747
I (39f) was pregnant and a stay-at-home mom to my toddler when my husband (39m) said he doesn’t love me and wants to split up because I “was too hormonal.” I was blindsided.
Admittedly, I’d been critical of his messiness, his challenges keeping up with household duties, & our values differed (he prioritized work and I a more balanced lifestyle, he committed to a vegan lifestyle while dating & went back on it which I was critical of).
Despite the shock, I tried to fight for us, apologized profusely, & we gave it another shot. The baby was born and three months in, he tells me he wants a divorce after I woke him up at 10am to move his laundry.
I was feeling resentful that he was unhelpful but because he works late nights, he considered this the biggest disrespect and flipped out, swore at me, and said he wanted out.
We both wanted to settle outside of court so we looked for mediators. I found 2, but it went nowhere because we were so far apart: he demanded 50% custody, immediate overnights for kids, & to pay no child support although he was the breadwinner (he said that because my parents have money, they should cover us).
He even claims we’re not married & thus it’s not a divorce just because we didn’t file the marriage license on time (we had a religious ceremony and a civil ceremony). So when mediation was going nowhere, I got a lawyer (without his knowledge) and planned to serve him a divorce.
Before serving him, he moved out, but still expected to use the house. One time, he came back to see the kids—but he was working loudly & disruptively so I asked him to leave.
This led to a major altercation - he swore at me in front of the kids & my parents threatened to call the cops. After this, he canceled the credit card I used to pay for the kids’ without warning. Then he got served the papers. Immediately he asked for my car title (which had his name on it) & the kids passports, and canceled my phone which he was paying for.
Since I didn’t have a working phone & my lawyer considered him a flight risk & he wasn’t communicating efficiently through the lawyers to make a schedule, he didn’t see the kids for 2 weeks.
We had our day in court but the final determination is delayed because he insists we aren’t married. Since he got served, he’s been furious & accuses me of being pure evil. But the divorce was his idea; I wanted to work things out.
He thinks taking him to court for custody & child support is the “most vile” thing & shows my “poor character.” He’s bad-mouthed me to family and friends. He thinks I’ve been controlling with the kids schedule (he sees them 3 days a week but I’m not comfortable with sleepovers at his house yet).
He’s also furious about the 2 weeks he didn’t see the kids. Yet, he still hasn’t paid a dime of their expenses & has more potential quality time with them than he ever did. So tell me, AITA for serving my husband divorce papers and asking for child support for my young sons instead of just letting him leave & giving him 50% custody?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
HandlebarWallace
Ye old 50% custody so shouldn’t have to pay child support ploy. With a newborn? Ha! You’re doing all the things. Keep listening to your lawyer. NTA.
bigfruitbasket
Listen to your lawyer, listen to your lawyer, listen to your lawyer. Also, document every visit for your notes so you don't forget his unhinged behavior: who, what, where, when, how. Bust out that cell phone to record his diatribes.
Thallannc
No. That scumbag is, diplomatically speaking, unhinged.
BeachinLife1
You are obviously NTA, and I'd love to hear what the judge's opinion of him was when he or she found out that he had basically cut off all support for his kids. Under no circumstances do you give him the kids passports, (don't even keep them at home).
And set up a "flag" where you will be notified if someone tries to get replacements for them, or if he ever gets hold of them and tries to leave the country with your kids.
Fight the 50/50 while your kids are babies. He works nights and sleeps half the day, what's he gonna do, leave them home alone all night? Between the night shifts and being basically unhinged, you should get full custody.
Your lawyer needs to be going for maximum child support and depending on where you live, alimony if possible. This is a situation of his own creating, and now he can check out that "greener" grass he wanted.
strangelifedad
NTA. As a divorced man I just can implore you: listen to your lawyer. No interaction with stbx other than the children. And document everything. Either by video or audio. Always ask for consent. If he denies the consent end the conversation. Keep sny and all texts and try to have witnesses as often as possible.
grayblue_grrl
Oh man.....Just keep documenting the BS and provide it to your lawyer. Follow lawyers directions and see if you can change the locks. Let him tell everyone whatever he wants. You can add cruelty and abuse to the divorce.. When it is over, you can show anyone who asks, the documentation.
In my experience - he wants the kids because he wants to punish you. The less upset you are, or he sees, the sooner he will stop. Your only concern in the children's safety. But make sure you document all his absences and his "poor character". NTA.