'AITA for setting boundaries with my wife’s family when she thinks I’m being unreasonable?'
"AITA for setting boundaries with my wife’s family when she thinks I’m being unreasonable?"
I (33M) and my wife Jennifer (32F) have been together 8 years, married for 5, and have two kids. We recently moved into a house we’ve been slowly fixing up. Her extended family has a very “open-door” culture — they come and go as they please, often without notice. Her grandparents even walk in unannounced, knock on the wall, and call out after they’ve entered.
This makes me uncomfortable. I’m a private person who values alone time, especially because I like to relax at home in the nude (which Jennifer knows and normally respects). I’ve told her clearly that I need notice before anyone visits. Otherwise, I feel overwhelmed and like my space is being violated.
This past weekend, Jennifer took the kids and her cousin on a short day trip. I was excited for some rare alone time — I’d told her I planned to sunbathe and play video games. Our yard is fully private, so being naked outside is not an issue. As I opened the door to head out, I saw someone moving in the yard — it was Jennifer’s dad, dressed for work and carrying tools and lumber.
Without informing me, he had come over to build a protective cover for our heat pump — a project I had already started. I had previously told him I wanted to handle the work myself so I could learn, though I appreciated his advice. He had agreed. But now, he proudly told me, “I put this together last night,” showing a frame he’d already assembled, then said, “Put some clothes on and let’s get started.”
I was stunned — totally naked and shocked he was even there. I went inside and called Jennifer. She said, “Yeah, he asked if he could come help, and I said it was fine — but I told him to call you first.”
So, she gave him the green light without checking with me, and he never called. My solo day turned into a project day, and I felt awkward saying no. I also feel like Jennifer never really gives me the chance to learn by doing — her dad always ends up taking over, and I suspect she asks him because she doubts my skills. (I suck at building things, but I want to learn.)
I told Jennifer how upset I was: my privacy was invaded, and my boundaries ignored. She got annoyed and said I was being ungrateful. When I asked her how she’d feel if my dad showed up while she was topless and I hadn’t told her, she just said, “That’s different. I’m a woman.”
I’ve now told her I want to ask her family to stop coming by unannounced. She’s pissed, saying I’m overreacting and making them feel unwelcome. But I don’t think I’m being ungrateful — I just want my personal space respected.
I now find myself peeking around corners in my own home, never sure if someone’s randomly shown up again. So, AITA for setting boundaries with my wife’s family that she doesn’t agree with?
What do you think? AITA for setting boundaries? This is what commenters had to say:
kurokomainu said:
NTA Your wife doesn't get to decide everything for the both of you, imposing her family's ways on you in the household you should both have a say in. Each new married couple gets to start their own family culture. You get equal say. She especially shouldn't be imposing her family on you without even asking you, knowing you had other plans for the day. How presumptuous and rude.
Her father too knew that you had planned to do that work yourself, so his "help" was something he knew he was imposing on you against your express wishes. If her family is pushing what they decide on others, then by pushing for what you want aren't you playing your part by asserting yourself?
(If their family culture is just to one-sidedly steamroll over their children's spouses then it needs to be pushed back against anyway.)
UnlikelyIdealist said:
You're being completely reasonable - your wife doesn't seem to get that it's your home too, and she shouldn't be making unilateral decisions about the space and who gets to come and go from it without a balanced conversation between the two of you.
I don't really know what to say to help, because the issue is that you've expressed your feelings on the matter and she's invalidated them, so how do you make someone who shows they can't be arsed to see things from your perspective see your perspective?
It's like, you've said "This bothers me", and she's said "I don't care." Where do you go from there? NTA, but she is, as are her parents for not calling when she said to call you. I think it's probably time to start kicking people out when they come over unannounced.
OP responded:
Couples therapy or marriage counselling I guess is the next step if she is willing to go through that procedure. It’s just that, she is usually extremely respectful of my feelings and boundaries. It’s just when it’s about her family it’s like she becomes a different person
MinuteBubbly9249 said:
NTA, that's basic manners. Lock your doors and if they show up unannounced, politely tell them to leave. You need to be firm, otherwise they will keep doing this.
OP responded:
They have our spare key for when we are out of town and need our plants watered. If it’s locked (I do tend to lock a lot) they will knock. But if the door is unanswered within 30 seconds they use that key to get in assuming we are not home. If I’m not dressed and so hear that knock I turn into Ethan Hunt trying to run to the bedroom and put on clothes as if my life was depending on it.
I should state that except for this one thing they are the absolute best family/relatives I could ever ask for. They are amazing, thoughtful, caring, helping, and I wouldn’t change a single other thing about them. It would be easier to set boundaries if they were assholes through and through but since they are almost perfect in every other way it’s harder
G-reeper66 said:
NTA. Calling ahead is just common decency. Your wife needs to step up and tell her family that this is how it has to be as you need time to unwind. What if her mother had been with her dad that day?
Fun_Possession3299 said:
NTA. My family is the same. They just walk in and out of each others homes. It was how I was raised. My husband is like you. It was a simple conversation and now my family knocks and waits.
OP responded:
They felt understanding and loving. More worried about why my wife is so pissed about me talking to them.
Playful_Robot_5599 said:
NTA. Just ask your mum to come over and cook your favourite dish in your kitchen, unannounced to your wife. Afterwards, you can resume the boundary discussion again.
OP responded:
My mom would without me knowing call my wife and ask if there are any groceries needed or if the kids need another toy 😂