'AITA for setting my wedding date for a week my BIL doesn't have custody of his kids?'
"AITA for setting my wedding date for a week my BIL doesn't have custody of his kids?"
My sister got married last year and it's been a complete nightmare of massive proportions. Her husband's divorced and he has two kids (7 and 11) with his ex. His ex is insane and there's a lot of unhappiness in my sister's home.
The kids don't like my sister because of their mom's influence. My sister is pregnant so that's extra exciting. The kids don't like our family because we're related to my sister.
They also started hating on their own aunt because she and my sister have become close since they met. The kids are rude and disrespectful to my sister and to us. They throw tantrums and only their dad can make them stop in the moment. Anyone else steps in and they fully ignore them.
I don't blame the kids though. Their mom is very clearly behaving poorly. She crashed my sister's wedding and caused a scene and tried to take the kids home with her even though it was his parenting time.
A couple of weeks later she was crashing a party at our house and insisting her kids didn't belong there. Then a while after that it was a cousins birthday party and she stood outside the venue and yelled at us from a distance. The kids wanted to go with her and that became a fight. Stuff also happened before the wedding too but there's too much to list.
BIL took his ex back to court and armed with the proof of her behavior he tried to make her stop or to change custody. But all she got was a warning and no custody change.
She continued showing up like that and ruining events or causing a scene. Turns out the kids were telling her about all plans where they were with us and she was showing up because she objects to them spending time with my sister or her extended family.
I found out just before Christmas that the ex had run off the woman BIL dated after he and his ex divorced. That her crazy had made the woman nope out. My sister knew and married him anyway.
The ex never bothers BILs family but she does not want her kids getting close to another woman or becoming part of another family and she's doing her best to stop it.
BIL had the kids for Christmas and they invited both families over. The ex showed up again and caused a scene. The police removed her like they've done several times already. BIL and his ex were in court again and the same thing happened as before, a warning.
I've been engaged for a few months and my fiancée and I finally set a date last month for our wedding. All she wanted was a summer wedding and what I wanted was a day without BILs ex crashing so we chose a week where BIL won't have his kids.
We didn't say that when we announced the date but my sister and BIL noticed and they were annoyed we didn't take his custody schedule into account. We did, just not how they wanted.
We said we were sorry and we couldn't change it now but hoped they'd still come. My sister accused me of excluding two young members of the family by keeping the date. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. Those kids don’t want to be there anyway and your sister is delusional if she thinks they do. Spare everyone the drama. If for some reason they end up coming, hire private security.
NTA. Your sister wants you to risk having her husband’s deranged ex crash your wedding like she’s done repeatedly. You have every right to protect your special day from turning into another episode of her chaos. This isn’t about excluding anyone it’s about preserving your peace!
NTA your sister and BIL are insane, why tf would you take consideration of an in-laws custody arrangement while planning your own wedding? Your sister married into the crazy bc she herself is mad.
CopyNo5921 (OP)
To make sure the kids would be there because they're a part of the family now. In other circumstances I'd do it happily. But having them there means their mom will start something.
Those kids hate your family and ruin every event they are invited to. Your sister is a huge AH that is purposely ruining family events. She should be focused on getting therapy with her stepchildren instead of forcing angry children to go to events they want no part in.
So basically ex of BIL has a history of behaving badly at events where she’s without the kids. This is a no-brainer. Schedule your event when she has the kids so you can have a better chance of having a wedding ceremony without BIL drama. If they complain they don’t have to come.
CopyNo5921 (OP)
Correct. Anytime it involves my sister or our family she will kick off and behave badly and show up uninvited.
NTA, why would you want any of that drama to ruin your day? Surely your sister should understand that the ex ruins every other family event. Your BIL sounds like he is trying to do something about it legally but nothing is working. You need to do what will make you happy.
CopyNo5921 (OP)
She would want me to take the risk so the kids can be there. She wants us to prioritize their attendance like we would other family members. But that only goes so far.
I can't believe anyone in your family is still inviting your sister and her husband to anything. I wouldn't. If she chose to invite crazy into her life, that's her business, but no one else signed up for the ex's nonsense but her.
Your sister needs therapy. She's needed it since before she got with her husband. Don't feel bad for not wanting her step kids and the chaos that follows them at your wedding. A sane and rational person wouldn't expect you to want them there under the circumstances. Your sister and her husband are not behaving and thinking as sane and rational people.