'AITA for 'shaming' a couple for not disciplining their kid?' UPDATED

"AITA for 'kid-shaming' a couple?"

Context: I'm (28f) very uncertain with handling kids, maybe because I've seen parents who've flipped the fuck out when someone tells their kids no, & how some kids run feral in public places. I don't hate kids, but I'm just very awkward about them. The only kid I'm comfortable handling is my goddaughter Grace (3).

I just fell completely in love with her the first time I met her. Grace's mother Val is a very close friend of mine, & often calls me to help because I live nearby & have a flexible work schedule.

Prior to Grace's birth, Val told me that she'd need my help more often since her parents weren't able to travel & her husband had to go back to the office. But she wanted to give me the choice to say no cause she knew I wasn't familiar around kids. I said yes anyway, but made sure to attend some infant classes, learn baby CPR, & sat in on some childcare classes with Val & Dan so I wasn't completely clueless.

I constantly communicate with Val on what I can or cannot do (in terms of setting boundaries when Grace acts up) so everyone is on the same page.

Issue: my husband & I were talking to a group of friends when the topic of Grace came up. One couple has a kid around Grace's age but he is a menace (he's bitten me before because I tried to stop him from running out the front door).

This couple asked if I'm teaching Grace not to have fun, & when I asked them to clarify, they said that I was so good at saying no they wondered if Grace has ever heard the word yes from me. I was hurt, & asked if they would want their kid to touch a hot pan instead, or get hit by a car when running out the front door (things their kid has done), because having fun is more important than being safe right?

They seemed flustered when I brought it up, but tried to wave it off as 'well luckily you're not our babysitter. [Kid] would lose his spark.' I just rolled my eyes & laughed, which apparently offended them because they said that it felt like I was kid-shaming them.

My husband (he's a child therapist) said 'its not the kids fault when their parents fail to parent'. Which pissed them off even more. Conversation ended on a sour note, but no one has called us AHs (everyone else has been a victim at one point or another of their kids behaviour).

But I've been thinking...I don't have kids, & I don't know how difficult it is to raise one. Maybe they're trying, but some kids are really unmanageable. So maybe I'm the TA for being rude to them about it?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

BT-Ranger said:

NTA because you were just defending yourself. They were rude in the first place, and you obviously seem like you really want what’s best for grace seeing as you did your research (cpr etc). They probably meant it as a “joke” but definitely sounds like they meant it as an underlying dig at you anyway. If they can give it they should be able to take it.

razzlemcwazzle said:

NTA their kid literally bites people when he doesn’t get what he wants… they’re not parenting well, and they’re generally just not acting well.

HarlesBronson said:

Nta for what you said to them, bc they fired first But you can't compare children, especially not at 3. Some toddlers are calm and like to sit quietly and colour. Some are straight up nightmares on sesame Street.

And dave7243 said:

NTA. You didn't go looking to shame them, they took a dig at you first. They then had the chance to let it drop or double down and they went all in criticizing you, and you responded. If they choose to go looking for a fight, you are not TA for not just being a punching bag.

Update:

I haven't had the time to answer, but I've been reading through the comments. It helps to see the support, & I'd like to clarify a few things.

1.) I understand that every child behaves differently, & the statement made by my husband was directed to the couple only. Nonetheless, I apologise if I've upset anyone. That was not my intention, & I know that my words can be seen as offensive without further clarification.

2.) I'm not complaining about the other child's behaviour, but more towards his parents unwillingness to stop/ redirect. For instance, when he bit me, I explained to him in a firm & stern voice why that was not ok.

His parents weren't happy because he got really sulky but I honestly don't care since he had (at that time) bitten his way through a few nannies, a daycare, half of our friend group (there's 20 of us), & even their dog (which is another story).

3.) Someone mentioned that I was judgmental cause I dont live with that couple 24/7 to know if they dont discipline. Well, I don't need to live with them to see their insta stories on the items their kid breaks on the daily basis, or the clips of him screaming his head off at them because he needed to sit down for dinner.

4.) Someone else asked if I'm allowing Grace to have risky play (essentially, if I do say yes to her). To make it clear, I only say no when she does something obviously dangerous (e.g., running across the street).

Otherwise, I encourage her to explore even if it results in a mistake or an accident (e.g., pouring milk into her bowl). I also work within Val & her husband's boundaries, & never go beyond what they're comfortable with either (e.g., they prefer if I don't let her carry her own plate because she a tendency to drop it when something else catches her attention).