'She said I only wanted a stamp in my passport — and that was just the beginning.'
"She said I only wanted a stamp in my passport — and that was just the beginning."
Some people say a MIL can become like a second mom. That didn’t happen in my case. Quite the opposite — my MIL caused me years of emotional stress, and even now, long after going no contact, I still sometimes replay the things she said and did to me. Here are just a few of the moments that left lasting scars:
Our engagement. When my partner and I submitted our marriage application and told her, she got furious. Her first concern? The apartment wasn’t renovated. She said, “What will people think of me when they come to the wedding and see the place?”
She slammed the door in my face and left crying. A few days later she told me, “You just want a stamp in your passport.” Turns out, she already knew about the ring and proposal beforehand — which made her reaction feel even more cruel. (For the record: it’s been almost 10 years. No renovation ever happened.)
At her other son’s wedding. I was dancing with her grandson (about 12–14 years old), and she walked up, grabbed him by the arm and said, “He’s supposed to dance with the bride.” Then she took him away, without saying another word to me.
How I was saved in her phone. She had me saved under the name of her friend’s deceased son. Every time she called me, she’d open with, “Hello? Is this Petya?” followed by laughter. It felt creepy and incredibly disrespectful.
Living together. We lived with her for a while, and on weekends, she would barge into our room at 6–7 AM — to water plants, look for laundry, or just because she felt like it. If I said anything, she’d reply, “This is my apartment. I’ll do what I want.”
There were many smaller incidents like these. Nothing major on its own, but over time they added up, leaving me feeling invisible, disrespected, and worn down. I kept quiet. I didn’t want to hurt her. But she never hesitated to hurt me.
Eventually, I went no contact. I had to protect myself. But sometimes I still carry the guilt — and the pain. Has anyone else been through something like this? How do you let go of the guilt when the person you cut off never showed you basic respect?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Are you still married? Are the feelings of guilt coming from your husband? Because from what you stated here there is no other solution than NC. It’s her, not you. She’s crazy. I ask this because I went NC with my in-laws 5 years ago.
They’re irredeemable, and my husband supports my decision, but he will still occasionally bring it up and act all sad. Usually after talking to his mother. It is sad that your MIL and mine are crazy, controlling, abusive people. None of it is your fault.
LyubitNeLyubit (OP)
Yes, I'm married. But unfortunately, my husband doesn't seem to take it as seriously as I do. He often says, "just ignore it." But I can't. That doesn't work for me. I feel this tightness inside, knowing that the next manipulations will probably come through him or through our kids. And that scares me.
Yeah you need to sort this out before you have kids, because without your partner’s support it will only get messier.
LyubitNeLyubit (OP)
We already have a child — and honestly, I think that’s what gave me the strength to finally stand up for myself.
Why in the world do you feel guilty? This is all on her.
LyubitNeLyubit (OP)
I don’t know… I almost always feel guilty, even when I know I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe it goes back to childhood. A lot of people don’t respect boundaries — they see them as rudeness or even disrespect. But I’m trying to unlearn that. Slowly, but surely.
I don't even know how to spell the sound I made at her phone contact nonsense. People throw around the word unhinged a lot but she truly is. Her hinges are fully off. Please don't feel bad about saving yourself.
LyubitNeLyubit (OP)
Thank you — now I’m really curious what that sound was! At first, I honestly thought it was just a weird coincidence and that maybe I was overthinking… But I’ve been saved under that name in her phone for over 5 years. It’s hard to see that as anything but intentional.
Thank you for your support. I try not to blame myself — but the truth is, most people I shared this with didn’t agree with my decision. Some said I should just “keep enduring,” others told me to ignore it, and a few even said I was exaggerating. That made me feel even more isolated — so your comment means a lot.
People are stupid. If it happens to them it would be a huge deal. You have nothing to feel guilty about. What happened to me with a 'friend", I thought maybe I did something, feeling guilty what did I do? Finally I got really really angry that she disrespected me after a 25 year adult friendship. What kind of a relationship does she have with her son? How often does he speak or see her? Is his sister nice to you?
LyubitNeLyubit (OP)
We live separately now, and they don’t see or talk to each other as often as they used to. But I never stood in the way of their relationship — I even said, “Of course, it’s your mom…” I knew she didn’t like me, but all I ever asked was to be left alone. He has a brother. We don’t talk much — it’s mostly just neutral.
Yes. It was the right thing... I should have done so a decade before I did. I'd do it again. yet decades later, I have my moments where I feel guilty for walking away. They (the moments of doubt and guilt) are farther apart now. Mostly, you just have to give yourself some grace. Know it's normal to feel conflicted even when it's the right thing for you. Let it(the feelings) happen, and let it pass.
I also envision going back in the realistic sense. It "going back to normal" being trapped in it. What that would look like, feel like... and it help reaffirm the path I've taken. It helps me not turn around.
LyubitNeLyubit (OP)
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your experience — your words hit me right in the heart. I've been going back and forth for months, wondering if I did the right thing. Deep down I know I did — she wanted to completely break me — but I still find myself questioning it. Sometimes I wish I could erase my memory just to un-know her.
And yes… I also find myself thinking: what if she tries to come back? But the truth is, I don’t want contact anymore. At all. Ever. I told her, “I’m dead to you. Like Petya.” And I meant it.