'AITA for showing my coworker what 'just being honest' can be like?' UPDATED
"AITA for showing my coworker what 'just being honest' can be like?"
I 26F started working at my job 6 months ago and I immediately realized it was a horrible work environment, the men act like they're still in a frat house or something. There is one in specific that is like their evil leader let's call Jake 30-ish. He said he is just being honest and talks about free speech or how he just says the first thing that comes to his mind.
He is just disrespectful and a bad person according to me. I started looking for a new job 3 months ago but haven't had any luck with the same pay so I'm still here. As I said, he is cruel and mean with everyone, especially the women and a couple guys who 'aren't alpha enough'.
For more context, I have ADHD and other things and I struggled a lot as a teen/ early 20's to be kind to people and myself. I also still have the impulses to say all the mean things that come to mind but I worked hard in therapy to stop those thoughts and redirect myself somewhere else.
Anyway, I decided to give him the same treatment he gave everyone after he told a pregnant coworker he can't understand how her husband didn't cheat on her yet because she's a cow now.
I started about three weeks ago, he came to talk to me and told me I'm basically a dude because I don't have enough chest and I told him Jake are you balding or your forehead was always that inhumanly big?
And so on but yesterday we were talking with a few coworkers about all I cooked for new years because I tend to go overboard and they were impressed with my dinner, he came and started saying nonsense and throwing insults so I said 'See this is exactly why your daddy left you' and I continued with my conversation.
Well he talked to HR and I have an appointment to talk to them on Thursday however my coworkers said they would support me and they decided to file complains against Jake now and document his behavior, apparently they already did but HR just gave him a slap in the wrist and they are angry now because they want to talk to me so fast.
I'm not particularly scare about the appointment but I wonder if I went a little too far, yes he started but I don't tend to low myself to bullies levels but I really didn't see any other way when HR never did anything about the complains.
I don't really want to apologize to him but I'll fo it if I cross a line because as I said I work hard in therapy to be as decent of a human as I can be and maybe this wasn't the best way to handle all this. So AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. If HR requires an appology, you can always word the applogy properly - "I am sorry I made fun of your large forehead, I see now that going bald is making you uncomfortable, and I will not mention it again."
"Also, I'm genuinely sorry your father left you."
I am VERY sorry both your father and your hair left you. It seems to be a pattern, a male pattern. I am so sorry.
HR reacted because youre a woman. Call them out. Ask them to explain why you're getting this response when hes been walking around terrorizing everyone since he started. Use the terms hostile work environment, sexism, bullying, abusive, and personal grievance.
Before you go in speak to an employment lawyer because you do have rights and if you cant get one before the meeting then go in and say that youre recording this meeting for your lawyer to review. NTA.
NTA and you sound awesome. ASAP pull that pregnant woman aside and make sure she explains to HR that she was the victim of gender-based harassment. Hopefully those are real buzzwords in your country and will get them to take this seriously.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
Well I had my meeting with HR and it went relatively okay. First of all, I went on detective mode and I found out one of the HR guys (Dylan) was related to Jake. They're mom's are cousins so they don't have the same last name or anything.
But I found Jake's mom's Facebook and then a picture with Jake's mom, Dylan and his mom. I screenshotted it and I talked to my supervisor and he decided to come with me to the meeting.
In the meeting there was Dylan, his boss, Jake, my supervisor and me, Dylan tried to lead the meeting and suggested immediate termination but my supervisor told him we will have our meeting with the other guy because I deserved a neutral meeting and showed both of them the picture.
Dylan's face dropped but he didn't said anything else after that and just leave the room. The other HR guy talk to me and my supervisor and I gave him my story and gave him like 12 notes sign by my coworkers where they talked about their experiences with Jake.
The HR guy called a couple of them including my pregnant coworker in his office too after dismissing me and on Friday I had another meeting but it was only me and the HR guy.
I talked about how uncomfortable I felt and how everyone tried to do the right thing by reporting him but they never did anything. He said he understood and sadly Dylan was not impartial in his actions by covering for Jake but that it was dealt with.
He said I wasn't going to get written up or anything and that I'm in the clear but he asked me to not repeat this and I told him I wasn't planning on doing it again and he just told me to go to him if something else happens.
Yesterday I got to the office and everything was normal but at noon my supervisor came to find me and my pregnant coworker and told us that Jake and Dylan were let go and Dylan might have some legal troubles with the company but he couldn't discuss that and asked us to not say anything about it to anyone else and that people would realized about Jake anyway.
I also have a second interview in another company next week, I'm hopeful but also nervous because I had interviews before but it didn't go anywhere at the end. And that's all, it was more dramatic than I expected.
I thought they'd fired me and keep Jake or something but I feel finding out Dylan was covering for Jake because their family relationship helped me tremendously. Thank you for the advice it was really useful.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I remember your first post and am glad to see this update. I'm guessing that Dylan's employment in the HR department is how Jake has managed to get away with this stuff up until this point since clearly no one knew about the connection until you pointed it out - that syncs up with what you said in your first post about Jake only getting a "slap on the wrist" before.
Good for you for doing a little digging and finding what you did, then bringing it with you as proof and leverage. Glad Dylan and Jake had the day they deserved.
Honestly this is one of those rare updates where HR actually did their job once cornered. OP, you protected yourself documented everything and let their own mess implode. Congrats and good luck on the interview.
Sounds like a win for you. And the company ended up having your back. Its rare these days. Not sure you should go to another company.
This is one of those rare updates where things actually went the way they should. You handled this incredibly smart by bringing evidence, witnesses, and your supervisor. Dylan pushing for your termination and then going silent the moment you exposed the conflict of interest says everything.
You did not overreact, you documented a pattern and let HR do its job once the right person was involved. I am really glad you are in the clear and that both Jake and Dylan were let go. As for the new interview, being nervous is normal, but you proved you can handle pressure and advocate for yourself.
Cackling. I hope you find a better job soon but I'm glad that in the meantime you won't have to work with idiot Jake. I so wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see Dylan's face when that picture was shown 😂😂 That matters more than you think. Good luck!