'AITA for showing up to my nephew’s birthday party without the cupcakes I said I would bake?' UPDATED
"AITA for showing up to my nephew’s birthday party without the cupcakes I said I would bake?"
A couple of weeks ago was my nephew Sam’s 10th birthday. I love Sam so much. I will probably not be lucky enough to have my own son so I am so happy to be able to know him. But I don’t have a great relationship with my older brother.
He did everything the right way, good grades, good school, good job, good wife. I have always been jealous at how easily being “normal” comes to him. I did not do well in school, got in a lot of trouble, didn’t finish college, I’ve picked terrible boyfriends, basically every wrong choice you could make.
Suffice to say he and I are not on the same page, and he doesn’t take me seriously. But the one thing he does appreciate is that I can bake. He asked if I could bake cupcakes for the party in a Spiderman theme. Of course! Edited to add that Sam did not know. They were going to be a surprise. Spiderman is just his favorite super hero.
Well then I was laid off. I didn’t do anything wrong except be the last person hired. I was devastated and ended up drinking with my roommates instead of baking the cupcakes.
It just felt like another in a long line of stupid things. I ended up going to the grocery store and buying cupcakes at 2 different stores which was hard on the bus but it was important. Thank god it’s graduation season. I showed up and told my brother up front what happened and apologized.
He said “you’ve got to be freaking kidding me” He was furious. I apologized a bunch of times. I never once made an excuse. It was 100% entirely my fault. He told me that I shouldn’t have even come and the cupcakes were the only reason he’d invited me.
I felt awful and left without seeing Sam. My mom called me when I was on the bus ride home to ask me why I would be such an airhead and show up without the one thing I was invited for. She said she thought she raised me smarter than that but then said “well I guess not” with an ugly little ha at the end.
I accept that I am fully 10000% responsible for not having the Spiderman cupcakes. But I think I did my best to try to make up for it by getting any cupcakes I could find. I didn’t show up empty handed, I didn’t put it on them to come up with a solution. Am I wrong and was it the wrong thing to do?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
ESH. Yes, you screwed up. And you probably let down your nephew who seems to be the only member in the family you have a relationship with. But to say that's the only reason you were invited is cruel and heartless. Maybe you need to take time away from all your family and work on yourself. Learn to put up boundaries and how to keep with your commitments.
ESH. You blew it by drinking instead of baking. You know that. Then you did your best to fix it, by buying cupcakes. Not ideal, but that should have been good enough. Then your brother had the nerve to tell you that he only invited you for the cupcakes.
That is so cruel! And then your mother piled on, with that's what you were "invited for." Yeah people are supposed to be invited because you want them there, not because they're going to bring you cupcakes. Please please find some decent people to create family with, who actually care about you. Your brother and mother sound horrible.
YTA Stop feeling sorry for yourself and blaming this of your job loss. And stop focusing on your history with your brother. If these things bother you then take responsibility for them and get therapy for them. You had one job which would’ve made your nephew happy on his birthday and you chose to drink instead. YTA.
Six months later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi, thanks for all of the comments before about me failing to bring the Spiderman cupcakes to my nephew’s party. I think I have an ok update to share. I was sort of spiraling when I wrote my post before and that it happens very often to me. Yes I messed up but life goes on. I have not been able to find a good job, but I have been making ends meet with cleaning houses.
Last week my family got together for Thanksgiving and I surprised my nephew by bringing him a small batch of Spiderman cupcakes and he was over the moon. My brother thanked me for it so that was nice. My mom said “better late than never I guess” and she and my dad laughed together. I also baked a pie to bring but I ended up dropping it.
For the first time in my life I stood up for myself against them and I told them that it was really hurtful that they can’t ever just be supportive. That post made me reflect on all the ways over the years they just haven’t taken me seriously or have ignored my small wins because I don’t get the big ones like my brother. They argued with me and then probably the best thing ever happened.
My sister in law stood up for me!!! She said that ever since she’s been part of this family she has seen the way they talk to me and about me and laugh at me behind my back and treat me like someone else’s daughter.
She said they have been doing it for years. They tried to pull the “she knows it’s out of love” card on me and I told them that I don’t feel loved by them and never have and brought up that she said the only reason I was ever invited to that party was for the cupcakes.
Mom tried to say that wasn’t true but my sister in law stopped her and said that’s exactly what she said. My mom and Dad were quiet for a little bit and then my Dad said he didn’t realize how sensitive I am and they’ll try to do better. I was so happy!!
Yes I thanked my sister in law so much and we have been texting a ton. I didn't realize she liked me! I think 2026 is going to be my year and I’m excited. My biggest hope is to find a job that helps me save money so that I can get my own place by 2028! Merry holidays everyone :)
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Good for you SIL and good for you OP. I like your SIL a LOT. She's smart - she sees what's really going on, and is realizing that her in-laws will replicate this toxicity with HER children in a heartbeat, if she lets them.
Editing to add: my own observation (as someone with a few years on me) is that so so often families that have this type of toxic behaviour repeat it in future generations. So OPs parents are used to a dynamic where they have a golden child and get to berate insult and demean 'the other one'.
Guess what's gonna happen if a second grandchild arrives? I'd bet on history repeating itself and the 1st one getting all the praise and the 2nd one all the scolding. It's sickening. So glad to see SIL standing up. I really really hope she ripped a strip off her jag of a husband too. OP your parents sounds like awful people. Stick to your SIL!!!!
And they still didn’t take responsibility by saying they are wrong! Just saying you are sensitive! Thats bull! Way to go SIL!!
Being hurt by "cupcakes are the only reason you were invited" is not on you being sensitive! It's a step in the right direction, but your feelings are not the problem here!
First I am very happy about your sil stepping up for you. However your dads response that you are too sensitive was a low blow. I would seriously consider stepping back from your parents and brother. They are toxic as hell. Maybe you can see the little one through your sil. Take care of yourself!
You’re not sensitive. That’s them being upset that you don’t want to be treated like crap. Please call them out on that too the next time they say it. I’m happy for you! Glad your nephew liked the cupcakes!!!