'AITA if I shut down my friend when she wanted to talk about our kids not getting along?'

"Would I be the Ahole if I shut down my friend when she wanted to talk about our kids' friendship?"

*EDIT* I do not know why people keep commenting that I should not make them hang out together! THEY ARE NOT PLAYING TOGETHER. I no longer allow playdates with them and told my friend long ago that we will no longer do playdates. I told my son that I agree he should not have to be around a child that is rude to him and that I would not put him in that position.*

I love my friend but our children do not get along. My son hates her son, he is constantly coming home saying her son is rude to him and is rude to others. He tells me stories about her son getting in trouble and being sent to the office off and on as well. He hurts other kids accidentally from playing too rough and seems to be unlikable.

Her son however seems to be obsessed with being my sons friend. He will ask for playdates and to hang out with him. My son is a little anxious about it and will often ask me to make sure he doesn't have to hang out with him. I agree they should not hang out with each other (edit to add that I do not have them hang out together and tell my son he doesn't have to see him).

He has also asked me to talk to my friend about her son being so rude. I said I wont do this because 1. he hasn't HARMED my child, and he is just saying rude things like, "you're wrong," "your game is stupid," "your friends hate you," and so on. My son says he knows he is wrong and just jealous. They mostly leave each other alone.

My friend has mentioned to me a few times that her son is saying my son doesn't want to play with him and he has no friends now. She mentioned that my son is leaving him out. I replied that "kids will be kids" and "maybe they will be friends next year"

She brought it up again recently if we can salvage their friendship and I said "I just don't think they get along." She asked what my son said about her son, and I said "he said he called him names a few times and that really upset him." and left it at that without elaborating more. I hear a LOT MORE including her son teaching mine every swearword in the book and being mean to him.

Yesterday my son said her son got VERY upset at recess and started throwing things at them, a bunch of kids, including my son told him that he couldn't play with them and to get away and leave them alone. He got in trouble with a recess aid.

My friend called me last night after bed time and asked if we could talk on the phone about "something." I still haven't called her back. I'm dreading her bringing it up. Her child tells her that my kid is the aggressor and leaves out details about their part in it. I don't believe my child to be completely innocent but the fact that her son has no other friends in or out of school tells me all I need to hear.

I've decided if she brings it up I want to say "I really just want to stay out of this. My kid was very upset after school about it and I care about our friendship, but I'm sure you are hearing one story and I'm hearing another and I just don't think we will reach a solution together." I also don't think our children should "get together to hash things out." Do I think her child is in the wrong? YES but I don't want to tell her that.

So, would I be the ahole if I shut down the conversation about our kids not getting along?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Embarrassed_Key_4539 said:

Sounds like the teachers should have a conversation with her, I would also probably distance yourself from this friendship

Dry_Cauliflower4562 said:

YTA for not telling her her kid is a fkn menace.

LetterheadBubbly6540 said:

Honestly, you seem to avoid dealing with the situation. You are afraid that it will harm your friendship, so you refuse to discuss it with your friend. But that just means that you don’t trust your friendship to handle the strain. It also means that your friend is going to get frustrated with you regardless. Bc of your refusal to engage. I‘m afraid you do need to manage some kind of conversation.

I‘d say along the lines of: „I‘m afraid to talk about our sons bc I don’t want this to hurt our friendship. I value you and I like to spend time with you, but our children don’t. Please accept that they will not be friends. If you dare, you could try to tell her why your son doesn’t like to spend time with her son, but if course, most people will react defensively and this could backfire

OP responded:

I truly am avoiding it because I know she will act defensively. And I know I will act defensively if pushed.

I wonder if my kid is doing anything wrong sometimes, but I see him with tons of friends and I hear how kind he is from everybody. And I see her son with no friends and kids complaining about him. I do feel bad for him. I feel like he doesn't know how to play with others. I loved how you phrased this response to her. Thank you.

Slow-Complaint-3273 said:

“he hasn't HARMED my child." Not true. That IS harming your son. Verbal cruelty is still bullying behavior, even if your child has the emotional intelligence to recognize it for being false.

Has a teacher reached out to your friend about her son’s behavior? That sort of thing should not be tolerated. It might be worth your while to speak to the boys’ school to find out what is being done to help your friend’s son build better social skills.

And OP responded:

Oh I completely agree with you. I meant this in the way of, he isn't hitting or physically hurting my kid. That would be a call to the SCHOOL, not the other parent, immediately. But the school would have called me if they were aware (and they would be, they are watched very well).

I think kids need to handle themselves and be able to walk away and say "who cares" to bullies like this. My son does that and says that my friends son will get frustrated and walk away. I think this is a fabulous way to handle it. My friends teacher has reached out to them. But I don't know the details or what was done.

And Jaykaybabay said:

Wow. Grow up a little for your sons sake. He’s literally asking you to stick up for him but you want to “stay out of it”? I’m so confused. Isn’t it a parents job to stay IN it? They’re little enough that they have recess- what do you want them to do? Mediate? Tell your friend her kid is bullying and being mean to your son and other children and stop making him be around him.