Wife attempts to give out live fish as 'party favors' at son's birthday again after last year's disaster. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for shutting down my wife’s party favor idea?"
For some context, the story starts last year at our 7 year old son’s birthday party. I (32M) and my wife (32F) held the party at our home. We decided to leave the bulk of the planning to my wife, as she loves this kind of thing and wanted to take the reins.
I had no reason to doubt any of her plans, as she did a great job with our past parties. I handled invites, food orders, and anything else she needed me to do. To her credit, she did a great job with the party itself; everything ran smoothly and the kids had a great time.
UNTIL she brought out the party favors that she had kept a surprise from me. They came out when our friend had to leave with her daughter right after the cake. Before she could, my wife went into the back room and came out with a bag, the biggest grin on her face. What was inside the bag, you ask? A small tetra fish from the pet store, to be given as a party favor.
My friend was flabbergasted. Her daughter’s face beamed with excitement at the sight of her new pet. “Mommy! I’ve always wanted a fish!” My friend was at a loss for words, only glaring at me. She declined the fish, walking out of the party while her daughter clung to her, throwing a tantrum about turning down her new pet.
Obviously, the chaos caused a scene, as all the children now knew about the fish. Every single parent in the room was PISSED. Glaring, muttering, the whole works. “What are we going to tell our kids?” “Great, now I have to get a fish tank.”
Most parents obliged and reluctantly accepted the fish. The whole time, my wife was elated at the sight of the happy children, oblivious to how their parents reacted. We ended up having to take a few fish home that had been turned down, meaning WE also had to buy a tank. My wife couldn’t understand why anyone would pass up a wonderful 50 cent fish she grabbed this morning from PetSmart.
Fast forward to now, one year later. It’s a month away from my son’s 8th birthday party, and my wife broached the topic of party favors. She exclaimed that we should hand out fish AGAIN. “The kids loved it, it was a hit last year!”
I do NOT want to go through this again. Several of my friends who were at the party complained about having to take care of these fish, being put in a situation where they felt pressured to accept the gift to avoid upsetting their child.
They had never received such a ridiculous party favor, and they wouldn’t be attending if this was the case again. Not to mention, this feels horribly abusive to the fish who now have owners who don’t want them.
My wife brushed all of this off, saying that the parents were being selfish for not thinking about what makes the kids happy. She apparently didn’t notice anyone upset at the party, only focusing on how the kids felt.
She’s calling me controlling, saying she doesn’t even want to plan the party if she can’t have this her way. All of her small group church friends agree with her. I don’t want to upset my friends by putting them in an unfair situation, but I don’t want to upset my wife because she truly does enjoy putting these events together. So, Reddit, AITA for telling my wife not to buy party favor fish?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA- she gave the parents an obligation, not a treat for the children.
Honestly….I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of parents RSVPd “NO” this year. And if she does fish again, no one will come to her son’s parties again after this. She needs to think about her son, and his future, she needs to think about the fish, she needs to think about the other parents and her spouse (OP) instead of getting her jollies off kids being excited while she makes everyone else miserable.
Noltmage (OP)
You’re absolutely right. It’s so unfair for our son if his friends don’t attend bc of her actions.
This is very typical narcissistic behavior. They are never wrong and any other opinion or even an obvious plan opposite their own isn’t worthy of consideration. They don’t recognize it at all. A narcissist will seldom do the most appropriate thing, choosing something more complicated that will upset a normal person.
Noltmage (OP)
You’re very intuitive. I believe you’re absolutely right. She just focused on how the kids were so happy and how that encouraged her to do it again (implying it made her very happy seeing the kids happy)
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey Reddit! It’s been nearly a month since I posted about the party favor situation between my wife and I. My son had his birthday yesterday, I wanted to share an update on how everything turned out.
I took your guys’ advice and decided to just talk to her. I used a lot of your points from the comments to reason with her, especially the ones about animal abuse. My wife just kept insisting that I was controlling, eventually just shutting down and walking away, giving me the silent treatment.
For those of you asking if this has happened before, yes. Not the party situation exactly, but the “I’m going to make a horrible selfish decision and if you push back you’re controlling” behavior.
She has backed out of MULTIPLE parties and events last minute because she didn’t feel like going, and accused me of abandoning her when I told her I still wanted to go. She has insisted I stop playing guitar because she finds it annoying.
She attended a wedding in a swimsuit because she was told there was a pool. She then proceeded to spend the whole reception at the pool because “they’re your friends, I don’t really care about celebrating them.”
She pushed back on my insistence to find a new school for our son, even though he was being bullied, because she didn’t feel like causing a scene (our son is in a new school now, and he’s much happier.)
I was fed up, and refused to give in. I can’t let my son go through this, and I’m not letting him lose friends because of my wife selfishness. After literally following my wife around the house, trying to get her to talk to me, she said “fine, if you want it your way, you can plan this party yourself.”
So, I did. I planned the party myself (besides the invitation, location, and date, which were already planned. My wife also demanded on picking out the cake, and that wasn’t a hill I was willing to die on).
It wasn’t anything special, but I’m actually kinda proud. It was Jurassic Park themed (my son and I just watched all the movies together, and he adores them. He’s really excited for the new one).
I themed each table around different dinosaurs, and put little plastic dinosaurs everywhere. As for the party favors, I gave out little bags of candy. Nothing amazing, but the kids were happy, my son was thrilled. And no fish were harmed in the making of this party.
After the party, my wife kept telling me how “lame” everything was. That the party was boring, and the kids weren’t literally jumping up and down for my candy party favors like they were for hers.
Frankly, I don’t care. Sure, the kids didn’t have a brand new pet to bring home, but at least my party favors didn’t piss off all of our friends and doom my son to a life of friendlessness.
Truly, I don’t know how things are going to go with my wife and I. I’m reaching my limit with her insanity. I’ve tried insisting on marriage counseling, but she refused unless it was done by the pastor of our church.
We went, and it was a whole session of the pastor telling me I’m not a good enough man to take care of my wife. About how I’m turning away from God with my actions, and that’s ruining our marriage.
Needless to say, we haven’t gone back, and ever since my wife loves to use this session against me in arguments. I loved her, but I’m finding it harder each day to keep being in love. I hate the idea of my son thinking this is a happy marriage, and that this is a healthy way to live. Divorce scares me, but I don’t know if I can live with this anymore.
In the end, thank you for helping me realize that there’s a lot going wrong in my marriage, far beyond a forced fish adoption crisis. I have a lot to think about, but for now, I’m going to finish watching Jurassic World with my son, who’s curled up in my lap.
(By the way, two of the three fish we had to take home last year are still going strong. They’ve grown on me. But damn, I’m never ever getting another fish.)
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
Divorce and happy and focusing on your son is more important than miserable and putting your son in a home with a narcissistic wife.
Seeing a pastor is NOT marriage counselling!! You see a properly trained psychologist or trained marriage counsellor for marriage counselling. Religion should NEVER come into marriage counseling.
Given the examples you have given?! Your wife sounds very strange indeed. And selfish. I know we can't tell from just hearing one side? But it sounds to me your problem is a wife who just wants everything her own way and is unable to compromise and / or negotiate.
Go to a lawyer and just see if a way to protect assets now just in case. And see about a therapist for marriage counseling. But don’t do the therapist until you have seen lawyer and protect yourself. Cause if she say no to marriage counseling You need an ultimatum counseling or divorce but mean it.