'My brother's ex left him after he couldn't provide for her. AITA for shutting her out?'
"My brother's ex left him after he couldn't provide for her. AITA for shutting her out?"
My (M30) oldest brother (M44), had a girlfriend, it was his wife in all but marriage but she refused to marry him until he could by a certain type or ring, type of wedding etc etc. They have a child together now 3yo who is an angel and lovely part of the family.
They broke up perhaps a year ago now, the reason being that as ambitious and entrepreneurial as my brother is he hasn't been able to make the kind of consistent high money (think £250k+ pa) to afford the lifestyle she wants.
Despite this core parts of our rather big family have kept contact with her to the point of her being a big part of our sisters wedding. My brother says and does nothing because he's the gentlest person ever and we have a lot of turbulence in our childhoods with no father figure around so he does everything he can to avoid that distance.
I however can't stand to see such a gentle and hardworking man (he gets close to half of those figures through working his nuts off), have someone who treats him like a bank or nothing, and uses their child to keep herself anchored to our family even after leaving him for such ugly reasons.
I cannot stand it, it's disrespectful and ugly and I want nothing more than to shut her out and go full cold shoulder. Even though my brother would never do it. So AITA to try and cut her out of at least our part of family life so there's some consequence to her life choices?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Best revenge is supporting your brother and loving the absolute heck out of the kid.
NTA. It’s weird that she I’ll invite her to things when your brother did nothing wrong. She chose leave the relationship, depending whatever custody agreement there is for the 3 year old I could understand a little bit of contact about her but all this other stuff is disrespectful to your brother.
I get you don't like her. She is the mother of his child though. Focus your energy not on hating her...but lifting him up. Be the emotional support he needs to find stability and a loving partner.
Your revenge isn't hating and icing her out. It's letting her have a front row seat to watch her ex become the best version of himself and give the life she wanted to someone more deserving.
NTA. She is not entitled to be your family just because she is the mother of your nephew. Your nephew is family. She chose to not be part of this family. Actions have consequences.
NTA Once a divorce, break up or separation happens you no longer have any obligation to keep in contact with the ex. However you might want to remain polite and cordial with the mother if you want to keep an active part in your nephews/nieces life.
Your family is THE WORST for still inviting her to things. She’s the mother but she does not have to be around to this extent. Forget your family genuinely and tell your brother to go to therapy so he can set on a path to gain enough self respect to detach himself from this garbage because I can guess for sure he’s extremely hurting right now.
Focus on what your brother wants and needs from you. You will not be making his and his child’s life any easier by refusing to engage with his coparent, who is and always will be part of the family because of their child. You definitely don’t need to be friendly, but minimal civil interaction at family events is the way to go here. Follow your brother’s lead.
Treating her like a pariah is only going to make it harder for your brother to spend time with his daughter, first of all because she may not trust you around her child anymore, secondly because she’ll be taking the kid over on her time less. There’s just nothing good that can come out of you icing her out. You say you’re doing this for your brother but it will just make his already seemingly stressful life harder.
The fact that your sister is having her be a part of her wedding is heartbreaking. I can’t even imagine what my reaction would be to my sister doing something like this, because it’s just so far out of what I would expect from her.
So no, you are NTA for shutting down the relationship. You should be exactly as cordial as you need to be to not hurt your nephew/niece. Honestly, anything more than that is a betrayal when she left him for such shallow, gold-digging reasons.
NTA. You can honor your brother and niece by being discreetly no-contact and low contact with your pseudo SIL! It's a terrible shame that she's become integral in your sister's wedding event. That's your sister's decision. That relationship is none of your business.
Don't be bullied, shamed, cajoled or coerced into doing anything you're not happy to do. Be your best brother - and stay true to your self-respect and self-care; maintain your self-respect and dignity. Don't do fake!
OP not the AH. But that’s obvious. What I did want to point out the age difference between OP and his bro 30 and 44, that the bro was most likely the father figure that OP says was missing. And that just makes the brother even more endearing (aside from being gentle to a gold digger).
Time for the younger brother to play the role of the best wingman ever. Getting your brother a good wifey would automatically sideline the ex. You don't know how insecure and hurt these shallow women can be when they find their ex happy with another woman. You could kill two birds with one stone.😂