Sibling honors late sister's wishes by kicking their brother out of her funeral, 'he caused a scene.' AITA?
"AITA for following my late sister’s wishes and kicking our brother out of her funeral?"
My sister passed away recently after a long illness, and before she died, she made very clear instructions regarding her funeral. She specifically did not want our brother, John, to attend or receive any of her ashes.
To provide some context, growing up, my sister wasn’t kind to John. John also was not great, they fought like cats and dogs. As an adult, she sought therapy, recognized the damage she had done, and tried to make amends. She apologized multiple times and reached out, but John refused to reconcile. He was clear that he didn’t want a relationship with her.
When she became ill, my sister made one last attempt to reconnect, asking John to visit her. He declined again, stating that he had no interest in repairing the relationship, even as she was dying.
This hurt her, and she made it clear that if he didn’t want to see her while she was alive, she didn’t want him at her funeral or receiving any part of her remains. In her view, if he couldn’t show up for her in life, he had no right to be there in death.
John showed up at the funeral uninvited, I think our uncle gave him the date and time In line with my sister’s wishes, I asked him to leave. He became angry, caused a scene, and accused me of being cruel and preventing him from saying goodbye.
Several family members have since criticized my decision, saying I should have let him stay for closure. They're saying that funeral are for the living but I pointed out this was her last wish. He thinks is am a huge jerk and I am a refusing to give him anything of hers still. The family is mostly split.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Famous_Specialist_44 said:
I don't know why he'd attend if he didn't like her. Was he just there to cause one final scene? NTA for refusing access to a private event for someone not invited.
queenuglyface said:
NTA. He had his chance to say goodbye before your sister passed. She gave him the opportunity. To try and show up to the funeral to say goodbye? He’s a day late and a dollar short.
giantbrownguy said:
NTA. The reality is your brother is choosing to "win" by getting the last word and rejecting your sister's wishes. If he was truly wanting closure he had the opportunity to do that before she died, but he chose to wait until after she passed.
That tells me there is more maliciousness to it and nothing positive. You've probably crashed your relationship with him but at the end of the day, you were upholding what your sister asked.
People can say funerals are for the living all they want, but if there is a specific request from the deceased, that should be adhered to unless there is a really good reason otherwise.
KodiStorm said:
NTA – Your sister made her wishes very clear, and it's important to honor them. John had plenty of chances to reconcile, and he chose not to. It’s about respecting her memory and decisions.
Kaynico said:
NTA. She deserves the dignity of being remembered on her terms - whatever those may be. If she wants to have her rememberence celebration include only the people who loved and cherished her in life - then that is a very reasonable wish. Funerals aren't for the living. They are for honoring the deceased. Her wishes govern the day.
RemoteInvestigator68 said:
Nta. He had chances to get over the past, say goodbye, get closure. He didn't take any of those chances. You did what your sister wanted. That's what matters.