'AITA for siding with my autistic son after he screamed at my wife?'

"AITA for siding with our son after he screamed at my wife?"

Just created this account because the whole situation feels ridiculous and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. We’re about to leave for a trip to visit family across the country. Yesterday our 8-year-old son Jake got into a huge argument with my wife, and she’s still acting cold toward both of us today.

For some quick context: Jake is mildly autistic. He struggles with emotions sometimes but is otherwise a pretty normal kid. Loves sports, loves video games, and wants nothing to do with anything he sees as girly, which is pretty typical for his age.

I was playing video games with him while my wife was packing the last of her stuff. She called him into the bedroom. Maybe ten seconds later, I hear him yelling:

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!”

“WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!”

“GET THAT STUPID THING AWAY FROM ME!!!”

I went in thinking I was about to walk into him getting grounded, but instead I see my wife trying to force a pink, sparkly shirt on him. It had some celebrity on it and was clearly meant for a girl. I asked what was going on, and she said his cousin Jennifer (who we’re about to see) is about his height, and she wanted to see if the shirt would fit before packing it.

Jake, while on the verge of crying, yelled “I don’t care, figure it out yourself, I hate you” and ran out.

I told my wife she should have known better. It was obvious forcing him to try that on would upset him.

She got frustrated and said it’s just a shirt and that trying it on was the least he could do after everything we do for him, like therapy, appointments, activities, etc. That completely threw me. We’re his parents. He doesn’t owe us for basic parenting. This really raised my eyebrows because I’ve never heard her talk like that before.

She went on to say that he’s been getting more difficult lately (which, to be fair, isn’t completely wrong) and that he should be punished for acting like a little jerk.

I told her absolutely not. We’re about to visit his cousins and I’m not punishing him right before vacation because he didn’t want to wear a shirt made for girls. I said we can bring it up in therapy after the trip. She argued that he screamed at her and I said “Yeah, no sh!t he screamed at you. You tried to make him try on girls clothes. I’d yell at my mom if she tried to pull that on me”.

She stayed cold to both of us all night and refused to make dinner. I ended up ordering a pizza, which she took as me rewarding him for “throwing a tantrum”, since like most kids his age it’s his favorite food. Never mind the fact that ordering takeout the night before traveling is just the smart thing to do so you don’t have to deal with dishes.

That was yesterday, and she’s still acting cold toward both of us this morning. And to make it better, my sister-in-law always automatically takes my wife’s side anytime we disagree, so I’m fully expecting her unsolicited opinion as soon as we get there.

AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

MyAskRedditAcct said:

Honestly? ESH a bit. “WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!” That is not an okay way for an eight year old to be handling themselves. Your wife was totally out of line, but you can and still should have a discussion with your son about how it's okay to stand up for yourself, but there are better ways than to scream at your mom.

I'm not pearl clutching over the word "hell" or anything, but if this is how an 8 year old is talking... you guys should really consider how you talk to each other and where he's getting this from.

pissed_bitch said:

ESH. would you really tell your mom “who the hell do you think you are” at 8 years old because she asked you to try on a shirt?? Were you raised in a barn?? Moms not making him wear the shirt forever, it’s just to test size. Plus you say he’s “mildly autistic” - you should be able to still teach him to not yell at his mother despite it being okay he doesn’t like girly clothes.

Mom is also TAH for acting like son owes her something for being taken care of.

Uubilicious_The_Wise said:

You missed the chance to do some basic parenting. Your 8 year old child should not be screaming at his mother like that or using such language. Whilst you may side with your son on his reasons, there is no way you should be condoning the action he took. Not nipping these things in the bud could be what is causing him to get more difficult, something which you concede is true.

Have to say YTA here. Teach your son there are better ways to handle these things and that screaming at people is not okay. If you condone him speaking to his mother like that then I can only imagine how he speaks to others. Parent as a team, not as individuals.

laztheinfamous said:

YTA, your kid has picked up on a lot of internalized misogyny from you, and is acting on it. He's treating his step mother like sh!t because you taught him to. Why didn't YOU make dinner after she refused? Why haven't you corrected him about being so anti-girly? I can almost see the "Women, am I right?" with that last sentence.

And ninetynyne said:

ESH except for your kid:

- Your wife sucks for starting the situation. She should know better than to try to put a pink shirt on her autistic kid who definitely doesn't like anything girly. She also seems to have some resentment built up with your kid that should be addressed.

- You suck for not talking to your son for using inappropriate language and addressing his mother that way. Being autistic doesn't give you a right to be a jerk - and that needs to be taught.

- You both seem to suck at communicating with each other. You being surprised at her feelings is not a good sign.

- Your kid is debatable because we have no idea where in the spectrum he is, so it depends on how high functioning he is. We have no baseline to go on, so default judgment is that he's not at fault.

One_Relief8832 said:

ESH. Would have said NTA if I didn’t see your other replies, but you’re definitely an asshole. Pink shirt does not equal cross-dressing, and I’m assuming you have some other problematic gender ideologies that come with that way of thinking.

The first thing you should have said is “you don’t speak to your mother that way.” Because, no matter the situation, this is true. That’s your wife. If you’re gonna jump in blind it better be on her side.

OP responded:

I’m getting a lot of replies like this. It wasn’t just a pink shirt, that would have been a whole different thing (although admittedly he would have still had an issue with that alone) It had sparkles or some sort of glitter on it along with the face of some celebrity who young girls are into (not sure who) and was very obviously designed for a girl his age.

BigBigBigTree asked:

...how much force could she actually have used, though? In ten seconds? That seems like it's only enough time for her to say "hey, could you try this on to see if it will fit your cousin?" Did she actually try to force anything on him, or did he react that way to a polite request? INFO

And OP responded:

I think she tried to put in on him as she was asking him and didn’t give him time to say no. That was probably a big part of his reaction

Do you agree with the majority of commenters?